Finding hope when life is dark.

“A fool says in his heart, there is no God.” In my last post I expressed offence at the church noticeboard which had the above quotation (from Psalm 14 or again in Psalm 53) on the front of the church. Since then I have had cause to think further about this quotation, and kind of think that from some perspective, reworded, it highlights a truth.

On Facebook there was a report of a survey of teen suicide in OECD and EU countries. (15 -19 year olds) Compared to other countries, NZ has the worst figures. We have 15.6 per hundred thousand people. That is twice as much as the USA and 5 times as much as Great Britain. I am currently staying in Scotland and realise that we live in a great country in NZ. In my view, more space, better lifestyle, and healthier environment. But why the terrible teen suicide figures? Suicide figures for adult males in our country are quite high also. I am staying with my son in Edinburgh, and yesterday he sadly learned of the suicide of a friend he had when he was a younger man, who he had kept in touch with from a distance. He was stunned.

Why is this happening? Is it because of our individualism? Is it because of our values? Why do we not have resilience that can see us through tough times? Although it is not tough times in itself. Many have all they seem to need in life, and friends apparently? (I was once called in to be available at a workplace where there had been what had been seen as a critical incident. The National HR department had thought it necessary. Chatting informally to the local manager she said she had come from a country where there was always the periodic bombings and civil war. She commented that she had learned just to get on with life, for her New Zealanders did not know what real difficulties were. “You have it so easy here. This is no critical incident.” she commented.) So why are there so many who lose hope? Where is our resilience?

I am not unfamiliar with depression or even suicidal thoughts. There have been times in my life when I have contemplated it. There is a big concrete buttress on the way down the harbour toward our home. At times in the past I have been so depressed, stressed, exhausted or disappointed that I have looked at that and thought, “Maybe I should drive at speed into it?” Or there have been other moments when I have been driving that I just felt like crashing off the road. One time it was quite late in the evening when I left my Church office. I felt so disappointed and down that instead of going home I drove at speed, over the motorway north of Dunedin for nearly 40 miles before parking up in the dark at a beach front for about ten minutes. I had no idea what I planned to do, just somehow could not take life/work any more and wanted out. Family were wondering where I was but I turned my phone off. Eventually I turned back and sheepishly drove home. I said very little even to my wife, slept on it, and picked myself up the next day, growling about the waste of petrol. (I find I have very few people I can open up to. I tend to be the sort of person that goes away by myself and stews on things. Sometimes people trying to get me to talk only exasperates things. I know few who would understand.) Though I have had my battles, I have always managed to pick myself up, and go on. How come I managed, where others I have known, and young people with tons of potential have suicided? What is the difference?

I have been thankful for my “faith”. Not so much that God rushed in and made it all go away. Deep in my being there is a commitment to following the way of Jesus. A commitment to try, with all my faults and weaknesses, to live constructively. This commitment began very early in my life and has only grown as years go by. In these dark moments it has been this that has pulled me through more than anything else. I know that if I “spat the dummy” and gave up on life, I would deny this deep core direction of who I am. ... “I have failed, but I must still try.” “There are no guarantees, I lack the skills, but I must at least keep doing my best.” This deep “faith” has been the source of my power to keep going.

The Psalm says, “A fool says in his heart there is no God.” I would not say that, but I would say that it “is wise to think deeply about where you are going in life, what your core values are, and keep updating that”. That would be the deeper truth I would take from that quote.  I suspect that many people live superficially, living from day to day, living for the moment, letting their senses direct their path. When the “poo hits the fan,” they have no deep compass point to pull them through. When I have been in a dark hole, this deep commitment has eventually emerged, and my inner compass has said, “keep going.” I kind of think that many of us drift through life without sorting out our deep compass point.

I have quoted him before, but the late Steve Covey suggests that to find our deep values, we imagine our funeral. Ask ourselves, “What would I like my workmates to be able say about me? ... my family? ... my community? My friends?” Covey says that in answering these questions, our deep values in life will emerge. Then, he says, we need to take them on board and keep reminding ourselves who we are.

It is wise to think about, and keep alive your core values or directions in life. They can give you resilience in the dark places. My mind thinks of words by Frankl, or Schweitzer, or other thinkers and writers. But I humbly share my experiences. I am distressed about suicide stats, people I know who have killed themselves and many, many people, who live like “sheep without a shepherd” and get themselves in a mess.

Offensive Church sign.

We have visited the city of Perth in Scotland. We tend to randomly wander around the places we visit.  I take an interest in the Churches, and what they look like to the passing public. Empty, unused or boarded up Churches send a message - “The Christian Faith is no longer relevant!” Churches would be better to pull the building down if they are left empty to rot. Many Churches have a very fortress like look, like they do not want you to come in. Sometimes the signs are so old looking that you wonder if in fact something still happens inside. Sometimes the sign is an A4 sheet of paper shoved in a noticeboard with times of worship and “All Welcome” underneath, in a very amateur looking way. I seem to think most basic computers and printers are capable of something more inviting than this. We who run Churches ought to look with dispassionate eyes at the street front of our buildings and ask ourselves about what sort of message it is sending? Someone has said, “Everything the Church does, or does not do, communicates!” What message are we sending by our street front look?
In Perth there were two Churches which had quite clear signage, but the message of the signs made me wonder how today’s secular people would reacte to them?
One said on a big draped banner,
                   “BY JESUS’ DEATH, WE ARE FORGIVEN!”
Now to a traditional Christian or a person who has attended Church, this might mean something. Somehow through what Christians call “the atonement” Jesus death enabled God to forgive us. There are various explanations of this, some are quite gross, others are just hard to comprehend. If we express doubt about it we are told to just have faith and “believe”. A traditional Christian could see the meaning of it, though I think few could explain it. I have studied theology and the New Testament all my adult life and I find the statement off putting. The best I could say is that Jesus life and death demonstrates the love at the heart of the universe, so I know full acceptance.... or something like that. But what does my brewery worker whose experience of Church is the odd funeral service they have to endure, make of it? What would my totally secular, anti religion fire fighter make of it? Or the mum with three kids in tow, struggling to keep them together as she rushes past the church wondering what and how she is going to cook dinner tonight? “By Jesus’ death I am forgiven? What for? Yelling at my kids? What the hell did I do to Jesus? Why do I need forgiven? I’m just doing the best I can, trying to raise my kids.” Most if they noticed it at all would just think “Religious gobbledygook.” and it would reinforce in their mind that religion is irrelevant.
Across the road another church had a professionally printed sign, though looking a bit tattered, quoting a biblical psalm.
“A FOOL SAYS IN HIS HEART THERE IS NO GOD!”
I know this is quoting scripture, but stuck on the outside of a church, out of context it is to me, offensive. The psalm was written thousands of years ago, in a different culture. It is a phrase taken out of a certain type of poetry. Confronting people in today’s world with that is offensive. It is often very hard for the best of us to believe in “God”. I recall a life long church attending grandfather, whose gifted teenage granddaughter was dying of cancer, shaking his head and saying to me almost in anger, “Is there a God?” Was he “a fool”? I have atheist friends, who are wise, thoughtful, compassionate people, and it seems cowardly and insulting for the church to blatantly post on its public notice board a sign essentially saying, “You’re a fool!” If you were having a conversation with them you would not dare say, “You’re a fool.” It would be considered aggressive, offensive and an insult. Why then paste it on the front of a church which is meant to promote a way of love? Again most thinking people, whether or not they were ‘believers’ would in my mind, be turned off a church with that sort of approach.
Everything the church does, or does not do, communicates. What does the front of your church say to the people passing by?

Job related PTSD

PTSD
Post traumatic stress is something that I have learned about as chaplain to the fire service and the local St John ambulance service. What can happen as part of this experience is that after attending some traumatic incident the emergency worker can find themselves sort of reliving that incident, and unable to move on. Sometimes they can wake up at night in a hot flush, with night mares, reliving the experience or something even worse. I have found that many emergency workers given time can help each other to work through the issues.
Other workers...
I have found that perhaps to a lesser extent, the stress of our work places means that workers in other jobs can have experiences similar to PTSD. I have heard of accountants waking up sweating about losing money in the numbers they are working on. When people retire the stress that they have been living under still emerges when they relax, or sleep. They have been living with stress for years with their responsibilities and the body and brain will not let them switch off. Sometimes they can even wake up worrying that they have nothing to stress about, they think they must have forgotten something they should be attending to.
Ministers
When I retired or when I went on holiday, such recurring dreams hit me. Sometimes I would be standing in front of a congregation in my dream, with nothing prepared! Sometimes it is a funeral setting and I have forgotten to prepare. There can be too unresolved grief. The minister has led so many funerals for people he has travelled with that he just feels an overwhelming sadness. Sometimes it is reliving incidents in the past.
Forty years accumulated stress.
When I retired I had been in ministry of some sort for over forty years. Ministry can be difficult. In any congregation there is a wide range of theological positions. In my last 27 year ministry I recall a young man vehemently saying to me that I was not a true Christian because of my perspective on the devil. Another rang up and told me I was not open to the Holy Spirit who, he said, was doing a new thing with the “Spiritual laughter” in church. (A fad which did not last long) A man complained that I did not push the second coming and what he saw as prophecy tell us when it will happen. (The millennium came and went without a hitch?) Then in any congregation there is a wide range of tastes in music. I often felt I was “piggy in the middle” as people complained to me about my choices. Every Sunday too, a progressive Christian thinking minister has to lead a service for people steeped in a different paradigm of the Christian faith. I felt the need to push people’s thinking, but at the same time in pastoral care, not causing too much pain by undermining their faith. Often I felt I compromised my own position. I sometimes almost felt a loss of integrity as I presented, and a lack of freedom to be myself. I got reminded by people, “Don’t forget the old people! They built this church.” “They have had to put up with lots of changes already!” Sometimes there were lively conversations about such positions, which hurt me more than I recognised. I had a dream for our inner city church that we could become a hub in the city, where life enriching community groups felt encouraged and supported. To some extent the dream became a reality. We did exciting things like community Christmas dinners; a drop in centre; partnering with new immigrants groups, sustainability groups, the local city council, the immigration department and other positive community service ventures. I was pleased that the leadership allowed these things to happen, though full support was not as forthcoming as could be. I actually took on an extra chaplaincy to help fund part of this community outreach.  There was one moment when I was asked by a community group if I would run a service, greatly needed in the city for vulnerable people. (still!) I did not have the necessary resources but a Christian social work agency was prepared to supply them, if we gave use of the facilities. It seemed a great step from my point of view. It would expand what we already offered, establish us as a more relevant, serving Christian community, but also it would make other programs we ran easier, because these people were disrupting them. I took it to the church leadership, and one man vehemently opposed the project.At one stage he was yelling at me! The others just looked at the floor and capitulated to him. I was angry, hurt and deeply disappointed. After that I made definite plans to retire. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When I retired for quite some time I had PTSD.
I would be woken up with a night mare, hot and flushed heart racing. It may have been back in my office being told I was not a Christian. Another maybe that leader screaming at me. Another arguing with my organist over hymns. Another would be waking up with deep sadness about what could/should have been achieved. Another might be deep guilt that I gave up. So the dreams went on, gradually decreasing.

We have moved on. We are now busy supporting another congregation in a voluntary capacity. We are doing similar community orientated ministries, and excited about the progress. But... nearly five years later, I am currently visiting my son and family in Scotland. We have switched off from our current work, playing with grandchildren, sightseeing in Edinburgh, and I have discovered that nightmares about ministry, particularly that final 27 years have emerged again. PTSD happens for people doing other work. Not just for emergency workers. Along the way I have talked it through with my supervisor. We wondered the other night if further counselling may be in order. We’ll see.