Job related PTSD

PTSD
Post traumatic stress is something that I have learned about as chaplain to the fire service and the local St John ambulance service. What can happen as part of this experience is that after attending some traumatic incident the emergency worker can find themselves sort of reliving that incident, and unable to move on. Sometimes they can wake up at night in a hot flush, with night mares, reliving the experience or something even worse. I have found that many emergency workers given time can help each other to work through the issues.
Other workers...
I have found that perhaps to a lesser extent, the stress of our work places means that workers in other jobs can have experiences similar to PTSD. I have heard of accountants waking up sweating about losing money in the numbers they are working on. When people retire the stress that they have been living under still emerges when they relax, or sleep. They have been living with stress for years with their responsibilities and the body and brain will not let them switch off. Sometimes they can even wake up worrying that they have nothing to stress about, they think they must have forgotten something they should be attending to.
Ministers
When I retired or when I went on holiday, such recurring dreams hit me. Sometimes I would be standing in front of a congregation in my dream, with nothing prepared! Sometimes it is a funeral setting and I have forgotten to prepare. There can be too unresolved grief. The minister has led so many funerals for people he has travelled with that he just feels an overwhelming sadness. Sometimes it is reliving incidents in the past.
Forty years accumulated stress.
When I retired I had been in ministry of some sort for over forty years. Ministry can be difficult. In any congregation there is a wide range of theological positions. In my last 27 year ministry I recall a young man vehemently saying to me that I was not a true Christian because of my perspective on the devil. Another rang up and told me I was not open to the Holy Spirit who, he said, was doing a new thing with the “Spiritual laughter” in church. (A fad which did not last long) A man complained that I did not push the second coming and what he saw as prophecy tell us when it will happen. (The millennium came and went without a hitch?) Then in any congregation there is a wide range of tastes in music. I often felt I was “piggy in the middle” as people complained to me about my choices. Every Sunday too, a progressive Christian thinking minister has to lead a service for people steeped in a different paradigm of the Christian faith. I felt the need to push people’s thinking, but at the same time in pastoral care, not causing too much pain by undermining their faith. Often I felt I compromised my own position. I sometimes almost felt a loss of integrity as I presented, and a lack of freedom to be myself. I got reminded by people, “Don’t forget the old people! They built this church.” “They have had to put up with lots of changes already!” Sometimes there were lively conversations about such positions, which hurt me more than I recognised. I had a dream for our inner city church that we could become a hub in the city, where life enriching community groups felt encouraged and supported. To some extent the dream became a reality. We did exciting things like community Christmas dinners; a drop in centre; partnering with new immigrants groups, sustainability groups, the local city council, the immigration department and other positive community service ventures. I was pleased that the leadership allowed these things to happen, though full support was not as forthcoming as could be. I actually took on an extra chaplaincy to help fund part of this community outreach.  There was one moment when I was asked by a community group if I would run a service, greatly needed in the city for vulnerable people. (still!) I did not have the necessary resources but a Christian social work agency was prepared to supply them, if we gave use of the facilities. It seemed a great step from my point of view. It would expand what we already offered, establish us as a more relevant, serving Christian community, but also it would make other programs we ran easier, because these people were disrupting them. I took it to the church leadership, and one man vehemently opposed the project.At one stage he was yelling at me! The others just looked at the floor and capitulated to him. I was angry, hurt and deeply disappointed. After that I made definite plans to retire. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When I retired for quite some time I had PTSD.
I would be woken up with a night mare, hot and flushed heart racing. It may have been back in my office being told I was not a Christian. Another maybe that leader screaming at me. Another arguing with my organist over hymns. Another would be waking up with deep sadness about what could/should have been achieved. Another might be deep guilt that I gave up. So the dreams went on, gradually decreasing.

We have moved on. We are now busy supporting another congregation in a voluntary capacity. We are doing similar community orientated ministries, and excited about the progress. But... nearly five years later, I am currently visiting my son and family in Scotland. We have switched off from our current work, playing with grandchildren, sightseeing in Edinburgh, and I have discovered that nightmares about ministry, particularly that final 27 years have emerged again. PTSD happens for people doing other work. Not just for emergency workers. Along the way I have talked it through with my supervisor. We wondered the other night if further counselling may be in order. We’ll see.