Giving and receiving

 "Where's your medals?"

I am Workplace Support Chaplain to Firefighters in Dunedin, New Zealand. I have been their chaplain since early in 1994. I am an "external contractor" contracted to serve them and am not a part of the fire service, with no rank or uniform. I am, however, accepted by them and a well known fixture around fire stations. "You're part of the furniture here." the health and safety man said one day. Last year they presented me with a United Fire Brigade Association "Honorary Chaplain's" medal. (I also have a "Member of the New Zealand Order of Merit" medal presented in the New Years Honours list in 2003.) 

On Saturday evening, there was a celebration at the fire station. It was an "Honours Night". Several fire fighters were to receive their service medals with one receiving a 50 year medal, while another a 25 year medal. I was invited to attend. I got dressed in tidy clothing, but wondered if I would be expected to wear my medals. I dithered for awhile. "People might think I am 'up myself' if I wore my medals?" I said to my wife. "I am not a uniformed member of the fire service." In the end I put my medals in my pocket and turned up at the fire station. Fire fighters who were to receive medals or "bars" were dressed in their "undress" uniform, (really their formal uniform, their dress uniform is what they wear to fight fires) and they all wore their medals. I greeted and talked with the on duty crews, some retired fire fighters and others. The chief spotted me and came over to welcome me and shake my hand. We get on well so he greeted me warmly. Then he said, "Where's your medals?" I said that I wasn't sure about wearing them, that people might think I was showing off. I told him I had them in my pocket. "They are no use there! Put them on." So I did as I was told and with the help of a fire fighter, pinned them to my chest.

A "thank you" gift. 

I am retired chairman of the Dunedin Night Shelter Trust. I still try to support the Night Shelter in any way I can. I was part of the original group of people who initiated its eventual establishment. My daughter now is treasurer for the Trust and does an immense amount of work. Recently I was asked to join a panel for two days interviewing people for two staff positions at the shelter. I was only too happy to contribute my time. The other day my wife arrived home from visiting my daughter and handed me an envelope. In it was a "thank you" card  from the Trust, with a note expressing appreciation for helping and a $50 petrol voucher.  The note in the card expressed appreciation for the work on the panel, and went on to say "That, as well as your ongoing support, is invaluable and hugely appreciated."  "I don't need that!" I exclaimed, "I am only too happy to give my time!" "Accept it graciously," my wife counselled, "they want to express their appreciation for your support. Allow them to do it." 

"Allow them to..."

These two things happening on the same weekend got me thinking. In some ways my reluctance to wear my medals could be a slap in the face for the fire chief and those who wanted to award me the medals.  On Saturday night I heard something of the story of how I got my Honorary Chaplain's medal. Fire fighters began talking with their leadership and writing letters up the chain of command, so that eventually I was awarded the medal. By not wearing it proudly, it could be seen that I did not value the effort that went into my receiving it. By not wearing it I was discounting their generosity, and in a sense devaluing their regard for me. By wearing it I am expressing my appreciation for their award, and recognising the value of the gesture.  By wearing their medal, I am affirming that I am proud to be a part of their work and am happy to identify with the "fire service family". 

My wife also was right about the Night Shelter gift. The voucher and card was an affirmation, and a way of showing that my involvement is valued, that I am welcomed still as part of the Night Shelter Team.  By refusing it, I am in some ways, refusing the sense of inclusion they are offering. 

Giving gifts is a way of affirming others. But receiving gifts in the right spirit is also an affirmation and acceptance. I need to learn to give and receive with more grace.