Reality hits home

 The "heart" refuses to accept what the head knows

It is interesting this weird journey. On Tuesday I went in to hospital and they pierced my side and took biopsy samples from the outer layer of my lung. On Friday I had the follow up meeting with the specialist. The biopsy confirmed that I have Pleural mesothelioma, a form of lung cancer. I knew that before the biopsy. Scan's, x-rays, blood tests and everything else told me and the medical staff that. But this was the final test. I was taking it in my stride, "there will be nothing new" I told myself. But I discovered that my inner being was still hoping that they got it wrong. I was, I think, hoping they would say something like, "Oh we are sorry, the biopsy showed it wasn't cancer, just something else." As the Doctor told me the results, it hit me, there is no way out, this is really my reality. I was surprised by the level of my disappointment. My head knew, but it seems that my "heart" was still hoping. I'm OK, but I realised by my reaction that subconsciously I had held on to a little bit of hope. 

Today my heart is catching up with the reality. We were skyping with my son and grandchildren in Scotland and I felt quite sad. 

I asked the doctor about the progress of the disease. It is an impossible question to answer. "9 months - 2 years, but do what you want to do soon." was the answer. "We are usually wrong and your cancer has been there for two years." 

So we had another discussion before sleep last night. We'll get there. 

Support everywhere 

I am surprised by the deep level of friendship and support. A firefighter rang up. He said he'd go for walks with me and he could drive me around if I get to the stage I can't drive. An ambulance man offered help and support. There's a lovely woman who drives a forklift at my brewery chaplaincy. She is a lively hard shot and was the first woman president of a rugby club in Dunedin. She clambered off her forklift and hugged me in a long comforting embrace. I am so fortunate to have the life I have and the variety of people around me.

We will be supported on the journey. For that I am thankful.