Heart breaking stuff

 "Dead man walking"

Our wee church was holding a plant fair, so Jean and I went down. We were not working there but felt we ought to buy stuff. Most people from the congregation know that I have terminal lung cancer. It is interesting how people see you. One lady did not charge us for morning tea. It was a fundraiser and we were happy to pay, but it was her way of showing grief and support for our reality I guess. Others greet you with the sad looking smile. Others I think are not sure about what to say, and just look uncomfortable. Some how you remind them of their own mortality. I was sitting by a walk way and one lady walking past just rubbed my shoulder. "Dead man walking" was apparently what the guards would yell out as they led a prisoner out to be executed. Sometimes since news of my lung cancer  became public it feels a bit like some body is yelling, "dead man walking". Everyone is a bit awkward.

Too much pain.

Mostly I have decided to just get on with life while I can, but just sometimes the pain of grief hits you. We have a foster daughter with severe disabilities. She is in care living elsewhere but comes home at least once a month. Her and I have special things we do. I only have to sing a song to her and she grins from ear to ear. I joke with her and she enjoys the joke. We watch a video together and sometimes we hold hands. The other day I was driving into town and saw a mother walking a severely disabled daughter. My mind went to our Pania and I thought of leaving her. The pain was so hard, my eyes filled with tears. By the time I reached the fire station I was back in control. 

I saw Jean my wife in the vege garden the other day, and I thought of her carrying on alone. Again it hurt deeply. We have done everything together for well over 50 years.

Today I spent  most of the day doing handyman stuff.  I'm tidying up a trailer. I invented a carpet stretcher. I did some lawn maintenance. I cut a length of carpet to lay tomorrow. I was using my workshop full of tools. To a tradesman tools are like life long friends. Each tool has history. They are loved and valued and have been with you through all sorts of adventures. It may sound weird, but as I turned off the lights of my workshop and locked the door, I thought of leaving my tools and my eyes filled with tears. It hurts. 

I am doing OK but just sometimes it hurts deep. Just sayin'.