I had a weep.

 Treatment

We came back from Christchurch after another treatment of Chemotherapy and Immunotherapy for my mesothelioma. I have found the three-week cycle tough going, and we were to review the results of a CT scan. There was no advance in the cancer and just a little shrinkage in the last two months. The oncologist tried to put a positive side to this but we could tell it was not what he was hoping for.  As well as that there was a difficulty with the treatment impacting my 72 year old kidneys. The decision was made to stop the chemotherapy. While life will be easier, it does mark a surrender to the disease. There are no more attempts to shrink it. Immunotherapy which will continue will only hold it, but will eventually impact other organs in my body in the same way it is already impacting my thyroid. So, though for me it was not surprising news, it was a bit disappointing and had me facing again the reality of my impending death "some time" in the next year I suppose.

No further real contact

We Skyped with my son in Edinburgh and had quite a good talk with him as he told us of some of their thinking for the future of their family. He has a Polish wife and three delightful children. There are of course challenges in the Covid situation in the UK that could only get worse. I guess I realised that I will never be with him or them in person again. I love my kids and their kids.

Floods

I watched the news and there were unprecedented floods in Germany, Belgium and in the Netherlands. But also floods in our home country of New Zealand with well over 1000 people evacuated and considerable losses. Still in New Zealand and around the world there are people denying climate change. 

Disent

There are farmers and nurses protesting Government directions in New Zealand. The costs for housing in New Zealand is escalating, normal families struggle to own their own home, and renting is expensive. While New Zealand is doing well with Covid and even the economy is doing reasonably well, there are growing inequalities and resultant social impacts of that. 

Too timid?

I am writing a "book" about my convictions now but also re-reading my favourite books about Jesus. My "book" may never be finished as I am reminded of different aspects of Jesus' message and keep adding to it. I become more convinced of the distortion of Church life and directions as not really representing the way of Jesus. The thing that hurts is that I cannot now do anything about it! I have had my life and looking back I wonder if I have been too timid? People have commented that I pushed the boundaries in small ways that many could handle. I tried not to cause major division or to do things that would stop people listening to my challenges of lifestyle, priorities and directions. But I am asking, "Have I wasted my time?" "Have I been too timid?" It is too late now. 

It all piles up

So as I settled into home again after treatment I felt deeply sad. I had a wee weep. I told my wife how sad I was and she just came in and held me. All is OK. It was the accumulation of all these things and more that overwhelmed me. I am learning that for me life is closing down and the old activist David will be taking a back seat. Life feels out of control, but that is my new reality. Chemotherapy side effects drag you down anyway. Today I decided on a project, went out to the workshop to begin, but returned feeling too shaky and weak. I guess I am allowed a weep every now and then. 

A couple of early print offs of my "book". 

The three shelves of my favourite "Jesus" books.