What a funny week of interesting experiences...

This week I have had a diverse lot of experiences....

• Tuesday a normal Tuesday with about 12 hours of work.
• Wednesday I began to have a difference of opinion with someone close to me. I managed a run, but still went down into a deep depression. So deep that I just felt like driving and drove to Waikouiti and back home to stew on things on my way home, again after about a 12 hour day.
• Thursday I had a pleasant morning. I played soccer with a few guys from PACT. They have a weekly game of soccer. Along with a woman from PACT I am hoping to start a Street Footy Club in Dunedin for "excluded" people. I so enjoyed playing with these guys. One down syndrome man gives high fives full of glee when he kicks the ball in the right direction. Another guy I often encounter when he is drunk, was playing. It was so good to see him exercising enthusiastically.  I was a bit stiff afterward... I am pleased I can run so well at 60 but sprinting to get the ball stretches EVERYTHING!
• In the evening I listened to the CEO of Habitat for Humanity NZ tell us what's happening. Habitat for Humanity has changed since we first started it in Dunedin. What autonomy we had is gone and the conditions of purchase have changed. I can no longer get as proud as I once was about it. It is still a good deal, but I liked it the way it was, it seemed closer to the "Spirit of Jesus". The guy did not present well and I was down, angry and confused about my future in the organisation by the end of his nearly two hour presentation. A 12 hour day.
• Friday was an OK day. We had our mid winter chaplains' eat out. It was nice catching up on other workplace chaplains and enjoying food and conversation together. In the evening I played about two hours of table tennis at our drop-in centre with two "excluded" guys. It is great seeing their glee as they play their shots and do things they never thought they could. They grin all over when they make a tricky return or play a shot I cant get to. I was exhausted though. A 13 hour day.
• On Saturday I had been asked to go to the local pistol club. There was a fatal shooting incident there last week and I was to go to offer support. It was a way out of my comfort zone. Not long after I arrived they warned me that they were "not very PC around here" and that if I was "a pacifist or anti-gun lobby person I would find it uncomfortable". I talked to some more directly involved with the incident. I talked to others about their sport... but many were very macho-red-necked-males, and I would find it hard spending a lot of time there. I was worried about going and when it was all over I was totally drained emotionally and could not get into my normal sermon polishing Saturday night duties. 
• I had to type and print the Church newsletter this week, my normal helpers are away. I had to do all the power points for the service and I had to operate the technology while leading the service. It was still dark when I headed into the office today. So much work to do before church, and an unpolished sermon buzzing around in my head all night long. In spite of the computer not doing what it should, I did a reasonable job of the service. But tonight I am totally drained. During the week I read the book "Mama Tina", about Christina Noble's work with children in Vietnam and Mangolia. I found it an inspiring book and wondered, "If she can do all that, why can't I fulfil my dreams for the church?" I think its easier to start from scratch. As someone has said about church congregations, "It is easier to give birth than to resurrect". Anyway I will, I hope, sleep well tonight.

"What Jesus really said."

I have a little book called "Wisdom and Wonderment" by Alla Renee Bozarth. In it is a little bit of prose entitled, "What Jesus really said." I like it because it rings bells with my reading of Jesus and emphasises the "freedom to live" aspect, rather than the stifling religion that has often been perpetuated in his name. Here it is;

What Jesus Really Said

Not much.


I am here
now
with you.

I see you,
God-in-you.

I need to touch you.
I need you to touch me.

I need to be alone.
I will not leave you alone.

Respect all beings.
Be compassionate.
Take risks to help others
and to become your whole self.
Be present in every moment.
Love as fully as life allows.
Live as fully as love allows.
I love you.

Let yourself be loved.
Accept acceptance.

Remember me.

I reckon that's quite a good summary of the spirit of who Jesus is. I particularly love the words; Love as fully as life allows. Live as fully as love allows. A great motto for life! Just thought it was worth sharing with you.

Theological algebra...

In church this morning I did some theological algebra. If you have been reading my blog you will know three things about me.

1. That I have a love/hate relationship with the church. I feel that it is a distortion of what it should be and that new priorities and new forms of Church community need to be explored.
2. That I have a similar love/hate relationship with being a minister. I am essentially a shy guy and it is not easy for me to be up front and trying to do the religious stuff. I know I do it well but I only know the stresses involved in doing it. I find myself chaffing at many of the expectations of a minister, and have spent the last 30 years wanting and sometimes trying to get out of ministry.
3. That my theological perspectives are (and I hate the term) liberal and that I do not always hold to traditional understandings of scripture, and church doctrines.

Given these three things, why do I stay in ministry?

I was talking with a colleague and asked her if she had her time again, would she be a minister? We both wondered if we would because we both struggle with the above three issues. "But" she asked, "where else would you be and do the sorts of things you do?" 

Last Sunday the sound system at the church was not functioning as it should, the music was not to my taste and I felt I was waffling about stuff my congregation was not willing to grapple with. At one point I was so frustrated that I felt like saying, "Stuff all of you!" and walking off the platform and going home. Again I asked myself, "Why am I doing this?"

I came up with a short algebraic theorem to explain what keeps me in there trying to do ministry... I shared it in church this morning.

In spite of all the distortions, the theological questions, the off track church systems and priorities, I still believe that;

1P + J = BP

(That is that one person, plus Jesus in their life makes one better person.)

or... that 1C + J = BC with "C" being "Community"

or... that 1W + J = BW with "W" being "World".

I believe that the way, the spirit, the flow and attitudes that Jesus showed can make a powerful difference in people's lives when they are built into their lifestyle.  I believe the world needs more of "Jesus' way" expressed and lived out. I remain a reluctant minister because I want to try to build a church community that expresses and lives out that sort of spirit and way.

Photo: My son and bride signing their life away at the wedding last week, with me doing my ministerial duties.

Running with myself as company.

Tonight was the second night in a row that I managed a run. I have not been running seriously for some weeks because of my hamstring, busyness and the nasty weather has not encouraged me to be out and about. But the last two evenings have been calm though cool and I have managed a run between 5 & 6 p.m. It is such a nice experience.

Tonight I headed out and crossing an intersection where cars were waiting for lights, I heard a voice yell, "Come on happy, get a move on!" One of "my" firemen on his way to work. Oh well, I may look funny at 60 still doing it, but I enjoy it. About three quarters of the way around I was jogging along in a world of my own and I heard feet coming up behind. A young woman went bursting past me at quite a pace. "Fancy that", I thought, "Being burned off by a woman!". Just then a voice from across the road yelled, "Speed up Dave, you're lagging behind!"  It was another fireman on the other side of the road walking home from work! Fancy being passed by a woman, and worse still a firefighter seeing it happen! I was quick to point out to him that she was about a third my age. I think she was just showing off. She diverted down another road and when we saw each other again we were about on a par, not much faster really. What will she be like at 60? 

At the kitchen at St John Ambulance on Tuesday the gathered mob were having me on about still trying to run. "You only have a certain amount of heart beats, why waste them running?" "Running is bad for you, it hurts your knees, your hips and your feet! You should be walking!" "You don't know how many runners we go to who have some sort of heart attack!" and so they went on rubbishing running and runners. Most of them, may I say, were overweight! 

I love my after work runs when I get them. Alone with my thoughts, plodding around the course I can unwind from the day, and think what I like. I can talk things through in my mind. I can reflect on the people I have shared with and our conversations. I often plan my next steps. I have insights as I dialogue with myself. I can switch off from my work mind set and get ready for the night. I love just the feeling of my heart working properly, my legs moving positively and my lungs breathing efficiently. In itself it is a great sensual experience. There is NOTHING wrong with running! I hope I can keep doing it for a long time yet.

Friendships

My mum kept in touch with a friend from the age 17 through to when she died. They worked together when they were 17. The intervening years saw all sorts of ups and downs in their on-again-off-again friendship. They were very different. Mum, conservative, non-dramatic, hard working, tea-total, nose to the grindstone. My "auntie" a drama queen, outgoing, talented in singing and drama, effusive, party going etc etc. Listening to telephone conversations was often interesting. Voices would get higher and higher, then, "I'm NOT talking!" and slam would go the receiver. Yet they remained "friends" for well over 60 years. She had a few other less dramatic friendships which lasted the same time span. She was a lucky lady but also perhaps, did things which deserved those friendships.

I am not good at making friends. I have a whole heap of acquaintances who I enjoy and chat with etc. but few close friends. There are a lot of reasons for that. I trust few with who I am... blogging is sort of anonymous and different. I think childhood experiences contributed to this. I think too my dad's death also contributed. Here I was just making friends with my dad. I loved the days I worked with him, we talked at depth. Then he up and dies on me! I think that made me not want to get too close to people, so I am friendly but "reserved" in any friendship.

I have had two friendships break up. Both really quite long term deep friendships where I had risked being close and open. Then on a difference of opinion over important matters both friendship soured and there were strong angry words spoken. I think one of my problems is that I try to be tolerant, and let things ride, not wanting to cause conflict. But if it all gets too much, then I let fly all the pent up thoughts I have had and have kept silent about. Small conflicts along the way, may have been better and more honest communication. When we talk now it is polite, "friendly" but "you keep your distance" conversation. One break up hurt me and damaged my confidence deeply, thus helping me to understand what a divorce must be like. I guess these confirmed my "don't trust people" instincts and made me more independent.

I have one or two friends with whom I have argued strongly over faith and life issues, but we have remained friends, perhaps even firmer because of the openness. They are the sort who though you may be distant and don't see each other, you just drop into a natural, open conversation whenever you do get to see each other. Sadly one of those friends died earlier this year.

I have had a lot of friends who are now acquaintances. Because we shared a class, a project or a hobby for a while we became thick for a time. Then as time passed the interests you once had have changed and you realise that as people, you have little in common. Most often it is gradual, the energy for keeping in touch dies and you lose any regular contact. When you see them there is warmth and fond memories, great "catching up" conversation, but no energy to keep the ties going. The change happens gradually, but sometimes it is an overnight recognition that you are just very different people, and its not worth the effort. There are few people who listen to who you are. There are many it seems, who when you express a half thought or tentative feeling, come up with a three point sermon to fix your problem. All you wanted was a listening ear! On the other hand, there are some, like me, who don't let you too near.

I have lots of acquaintances who I wish I could spend more time with. Through my activities I come into contact with some quality people in the likes of Habitat, Night Shelter and chaplaincy. We share when engaged in this work, but we all have busy lives and relaxed times of conversation and involvement in each other's lives just does not get to happen. There is, however, a deep sense of partnership, where you feel you have deep values and purposes you hold in common. I am lucky in that in my activities I enjoy a whole host of friendly, warm and affirming conversations, which help make up for my lack of close friendships. I guess I will continue to be a bit of a loner for the rest of my life. Not like my mum. We are all different.

Wedding and weekend over.

On Saturday I conducted a wedding ceremony for my son. He married a Polish lady he met on his big OE. They are very happy together and make a great couple. The advice I gave them in the ceremony was that they should make sure they stay friends and keep on talking and listening to each other.  There were just eleven at the ceremony, all my children with partners and our handicapped daughter. It was a special weekend. 

We held the ceremony at the church. All eleven of us standing together on the platform, my daughter read a poem, another son looked after the rings and the oldest two were witnesses. There was a special moment when we gathered for a final prayer. We then (after obligatory photos) gathered at the back of the church for cake and champagne, seated in the couch and easy chairs there. My oldest daughter and my wife had planned all these fancy bits. After this we adjourned to our place for a brief sit in front of the fire, before going around the corner to the historic Carey's Bay hotel where the planning women had booked dinner served in a lounge attached to a suite that had been booked for the happy couple. 

On Sunday the newly weds took over our kitchen and cooked our midday meal together, before four went back to Christchurch and two went back to Wellington. What was special was just sitting listening to the conversation, laughter and sharing. My children (the youngest turns 30 next year) were relating positively, caring for each other, enjoying each other and sharing the costs and chores of the weekend. It was a delight to see, they were simply nice to be around, seemed happy to be together supporting the newly weds and being with us as their parents. It was a warm fuzzy time for me. We were like a group of close adult friends enjoying time together. The house seems quiet today, I am happy (because it was tiring) and sad about that.  There is to be a ceremony in Poland next year for her family over there and we all hope to attend and meet them. That will be yet another experience. I can't have been too bad a dad after all? Or maybe humans are really resilient?

Photo: Relaxing after the ceremony at the back of the church. (Church of Christ forbears would be spinning in their grave... alcohol in church!???) But it was nice, natural and OK.

Advice to son?

Tomorrow I am to lead my son's wedding ceremony and I am nervous. The decision to marry has been thought out and a long time coming, though the decision to wed tomorrow was a pretty spontaneous, short notice arrangement. One other son rang me on Monday asking, "What the hells going on? Is it definite?". He was arranging flights and time off to get here. He also wanted to make sure we were going to eat at a decent restaurant. I am very pleased, the whole family (at short notice and some cost) will be together with partners... it will be a special day of supportive love and friendship.

On Monday afternoon I sat in an armchair and had some afternoon tea and switched on the box. There was a kids' program on and in it one of the children in the story was going through the hassle of releasing a hawk he had raised since it was a chick. He was fearful for its future and was tempted not to release it, but take it to the zoo. I am a bit like that. My son is thirty something so he is not a kid. He has been through ups and downs and knows what life is about. But as I was preparing the ceremony I began to think, "This is a big step he's taking! I hope it will be all OK." I am aware of the potential for hurt. Don't get me wrong, I love his partner. I think she is a great woman with heaps of wisdom, courage and lots of personality. They are also good together and good for one another. He is a very lucky man, she has already shown great commitment, changing countries from the other side of the world and learning a new language to be with him. It is just that my little boy is taking a big step and I want it to be good for him. I am sure it will be but it is just a father's nervousness. Forty years ago I was a much more naive 20 year old taking the same step and it worked out.

What advice should I give? I got an email the other day, one of those with heaps of sentimental advice. Here are some relevant ones...

• Marry a man/woman you love to talk to.. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. (I would add "and keep talking and listening")

• Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
  

• In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

• The most important sex organ is the brain. (From another email)
  

• Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

I guess this last one is the one this nervous father needs to listen to. If he is going to choose a life partner and marry, there will always be a risk. If he is going to find that depth of friendship, that partnership and "at homeness" that marriage can offer, he is going to have to risk. I need to support the risk-taking. The baby hawk learns to fly by first falling. Only by risking can my son find the joy and intimacy marriage can offer. Tomorrow I "push him further out of the nest" and encourage him to fly. (He would probably tell me he's been gone awhile.. silly sentimental old fool father!) Please pray for them joy, fulfillment, happiness and love... even if you don't know them... just for me. (Even if you don't know me) :-)