When is it over?

I have been forced to think about this question a few times in my life. It is often a question that raises its head. I was talking to a man the other day who was telling me about his marriage. As he talked I was thinking, "Heck if that was how my marriage was I would be out of there!" I have been with numbers of couples who have struggled with the question, "Is it worth working on our marriage or should we just part company?" Have they drifted apart so much that its just too hard, false and a waste of time to keep "something" alive? If we did preserve it, would it be worth it?

I once rented a house out to tenants. They ripped us off by not paying rent, not looking after the grounds and damaging the house. Each time we would negotiate I would be too soft. When do you kick them out? When do you break ties? I know people at this moment having to ask the same question about tenants.

We run a drop-in centre and sometimes the behaviour of the people there is not what you would like. It has even been threatening or abusive. When do you ban people from the drop-in? You want to be as accepting and as loving as Jesus, but how do you draw the line when the behaviour can hurt others? Sometimes too, for your own sanity you need to cry "Enough!"

Sometimes the relationship is with organisations. I have been in Habitat for Humanity since 1995 but it has changed. I have tried to debate those changes locally, nationally and even internationally at one stage. When do you part company? When do you say "I can't identify with this organisation any more!"? The general identity and thrust of the denomination I am in has changed. (To be fair too, I have changed.) When do I say "goodbye" ? When is it not tenable to call myself a minister in this denomination? I have expanded my theology and thinking about the christian faith. I think I am still a follower of Jesus, but I know some people who would question if I am a Christian or not. Should I get out of ministry because of that?

I have had friendships where I realised that we no longer had common ground. I recall sweating over a letter a friend sent me where he outlined his differences of opinion about the things we were doing together. I strongly disagreed with him, but I knew that if I spoke my mind I would lose a long standing friend. I decided I had accepted rubbish too long and drove around to where he was and told him what I thought. The break up was profound, hurt me deeply and was never fully restored. I met a man down the street just now who was a mutual acquaintance and in conversation was reminded of that deep hurt. But when in friendships do you call it quits? Author Gordon McDonald says that friends should refresh you and not be a drain upon you. They should be an affirming presence in your life. But I guess we all are a draining presence at some time on friend's lives, and we would have no friends at all if we didn't have some tolerance and forgiveness. But when do you draw the line and how do you decide?

I am intrigued about how often this question comes up in life. It's all about tolerance, boundaries, "rights", and what you find helpful or unhelpful for the general direction of your life. All I know is that I have generally stayed "loyal" for too long, and sometimes been unhappy because of it.

BS detector... greasy talk.

A phone call last night got me thinking of a discussion I had with my wife the other day. We decided that over the years we had developed very good "BS detectors". The ambulance helicopter staff were telling me of a detector alert that goes off in the cab of the helicopter. If the craft is getting too near mountain tops this voice comes up and tells them. I think they have called the voice "Betty" with a not very complimentary adjective before it. It is a clearance detector. Well over the years I have developed a "BS detector", a voice goes off in my head to alert me that I am listening to "Bull Shit". It comes in all forms from different people.

Some of my drop-in centre people or others will ask for favours. They will come up and be your best friend, flatter you then ask for money, sometimes with a questionable story. There is one lady who comes and sidles up to me fluttering her well eye shadowed eyelids, being nice to me, promising to come to church, then asking if she can see me in private. (My wife bristles or is fearful of this) Out comes the most amazing stories, often with a sexual overtone, and a request for money. I turn her down because I know she lives with drug addicts. (I have sometimes given her food) Her best punch line was, "I'll just have to go back to prostitution then. You wouldn't want me doing that?"

But then there are "normal" men who do it. Over the top friendliness. They pat you on the back, treat you like their best friend, but somewhere they want something of you. Often they come across almost sleazy, greasy and the detector is going off in my head saying, "Be nice, but don't trust this guy!"

There are women who love to pile on the flattery. They will greet you with all their womanly charms, sometimes flirting and often with flattery. "But you're sooo good" "You do such greaaat things" they ooze. Even sometimes you wonder if the top button is purposely not done up so the cleavage is on show. Women are good at this and we men are regularly sucked in because of our egos. Often then they want something of you. I recall when I was a salesman in a hardware store there were certain women well known for these sorts of tactics. All the sales staff would disappear and leave the naive new comer to deal with them.

Then there is the various religious forms that really irk me. They love to turn it on for a minister. "We know whose in control don't we?" (nudge, nudge) "Bless you David, you serve the Lord sooo well." "I praise the Lord for you. It so good how you serve him! Now would you mind...." I get heaps of PR stuff from various Christian ministries and agencies. I think they must have their greasiest people write up the front cover. "Thank you for your committed support of our ministry. The Lord bless you." (But I gave nothing?!) Then will come some tear jerker story. The whole thrust will be to first flatter you because you have supported them, but also to imply that if you don't support them this time your Christian faith is suspect.

The reasons people do this sort of thing are varied and many. Often they want something. They want you to give them something or do something. Often they want to appear to be your friend for what ever reason. Sometimes they really do not like what you do and what you stand for so they over compensate trying to be nice to you. After all they are "nice" people. But for whatever reason my "Bull shit" detector goes off and I generally go quiet.

I need to be careful because I could just be cynical and this could be the way people want to reach out in friendship. I need to be open to different styles of relating. But I do love to be able to say of someone, "They are fair dinkum. What you see is what you get." I prefer to mix with these sorts of people no matter what their place in society or whether they are in church or out of church.

I am also aware that I lack social graces. I have been compared to "Doc Martin", that rude, socially inept and blunt doctor in the great TV series. May be I should learn a bit of "BS"? Oh well.... its an interesting life and people and relationships are so interesting.

Meaningful meanderings...

As you can see I wandered up "my" mountain yesterday from Bethunes Gully, which is a longer track than I usually take. Again I loved it, and wished I had a really good camera to do justice to the bush experience. First an experience that happened at lunch time today.

Photos:

1. Big discovery... proud parents.
   

   We have a foster daughter named Pania.(This is a photo taken 27th December 2009 on her birthday)   Pania suffers from Rett syndrome. This is a debilitating genetic condition that means she cannot speak, cannot co-ordinate, has intellectual disabilities and a whole host of other difficulties. She cannot do much for herself at all, except feed herself with a spoon, and even then there is plenty of spillage. She is in care now but comes home regularly for a visit. She smiles brilliantly, speaks with her eyes and can giggle with the best of them. We have always known that there is a delay in her processing instructions. If something happens in the delay time to distract her the instruction is forgotten. Today we had pizza for lunch. Two pizza's in two boxes. We had one, with Pania enjoying the food. She looked at the next box and looked at us. We said to her, "You open the box and see if there is another one there for us." She looked at us as if to say, "I can't do that!" But we repeated the instruction and waited. A hand came up and she hit the box. Then that hand went down by her side and we thought that her attempt was all over. But next thing her other hand came up and after a bit of fumbling she lifted the lid of the box, beamed all over her face and poked at the pizza! She could do it! We just had to believe and wait! We celebrated her achievement!

2. The mountain top goal from about half-way up. At the spot this photo was taken a friend  committed suicide. Every time I walk past it I have a moment of grief. After taking this photo I looked down the steep bank at my feet where the deed was done and simply said in anger and sadness, "You stupid bastard!" (Some months earlier I had recommended the Mt Cargill walk to him as a way of keeping fit!)
3. A bridge and the path lower down among the exotic trees grown for timber. I talked to a guy this morning whose life is in a bit of a mess. It is so sad, why do people go down stupid pathways in life? I guess I have done a few myself, but why keep repeating the same mistakes.
4. I simply LOVE these big beautiful ferns. They seem to stand out and shine. I love these in NZ bush, their presence seems to inspire me.
5. I always think that these exotic trees are the boring part of the walk. They are an annoying ugly patch that I have to pass through to get to the bush I love and enjoy. But yesterday I had to admit they had a beauty of their own with the sun shining through them.
6. The life that hangs off branches of trees or grows on the trunks of trees always fascinates me.
7. This twisted tree is just at the entrance to a little side loop track. There are similar trees in the bush. The tree has at one stage in its life broken or blown over. Through the healing of nature it has continued to straighten itself up and kept on growing big and strong. In some ways because of its broader root base it is stronger than it ever was. I think there are people who fit into that category. They have been broken, but have healed and grown out of the rough period of life stronger than ever.
   

Growing pains....sustainability

Growth
The process of personal growth and change is interesting. You are disturbed, sometimes repeatedly, by new thoughts, ideas and concepts. Gradually if you begin to think about these, you become aware that changes need to happen in your lifestyle, world view or belief system. If you are courageous and true to yourself, you make those changes. This process has happened to me again and again in the journey of life. Long may it continue. May I never grow old and stop being changed. I must admit that laziness sometimes means that there is a delay in jumping out of well worn ruts, and sometimes I very easily slip back into them. It is easier to do what everyone else does. Sometimes busyness or distractions mean that I don't give attention to the nudges that "life" or "the Spirit" or whoever gives me. Sometimes I make the choice to ignore the disturbing nudges because I know that the implications may be too hard if I stopped and paid attention.

Sustainability
This topic has been nudging me lately. In the 1970s I read a book by John V Taylor called "Enough is enough". It all made sense. The world we live in cannot sustain the western lifestyle that we've developed. The poor in the world pay for it. The lifestyle is not healthy for us. The earth and its life forms are suffering because of it. We should be leading a happy revolution to make changes. I loved the book and read others and this thinking caused us as a family to explore simpler lifestyles. Busyness tended to squeeze this emphasis out of my life, but in recent times the movement of "God" has challenged my slipping back into old ruts. Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" reminded me that, even if his maths may be wrong, we humans are burying our heads in the sand if we don't make changes to our western lifestyle. More recently I have had contact with Dr Maureen Howard, who runs sustainability classes for the local city council. Her delightful formal and informal challenges have "nudged" me again about this whole area. Even my summer reading raised the issue and challenged the churches to be doing something about it. In an email from Maureen she very briefly gave her ethical base for her stance. It got me thinking about mine. Here is what I came up with.

The picture above is of trampers crossing a river together. You grasp a log or stick that joins you together, so that if one stumbles, the others support them. Joined together you can make the journey safely. I have experienced this on some of my tramps. I believe the picture is a good illustration of the journey of life. Whether we like it or not we are joined together. We are also joined to this universe, the earth and its life forms...( so in the picture the earth can be one character in the group of trampers.) Our journey impacts for good or bad on others. But we are to travel on the journey of life aware of, in sympathy with and supporting each others' journey. (including the earth) There is also in the picture and in the experience the elation of the journey. "We made it together!" So with us, the responsible lifestyle, living aware of the needs of others and the earth, is not a doom and gloom, duty bound way, but a journey full of "togetherness experiences" and joyful expressions of connection. You keep discovering new ways of living out this essential solidarity and there is something deep, "spiritual" and fulfilling in these experiences. They feel like you have touched the very essence of life. Superficial living is a lifestyle that ignores or refuses to recognise the "log" joining us together. Real living is recognising the "log" and finding ways to strengthen and give expression to the essential solidarity it represents. Here is my "ethical" or "spiritual" base for sustainability or life's journey itself. I am essentially joined to others and the earth. My task in life is to find ways to live that out.

I am trying now to work out what that means for giving expression to sustainability in my lifestyle and in the life of my down town church.

Disappointments and questions.
I was one of those who initiated the local Habitat for Humanity affiliate in Dunedin. I loved the concept of "no profit, no interest" and the use of volunteer labour. Since 1995 I have spent countless Saturdays working on thirteen Habitat houses and enjoyed heaps of significant experiences. It was one way of giving profound and practical expression to the essential solidarity I have with people mentioned above. Over the years the bean counters in the higher levels of the organisation have changed the pricing policies for the families we partner with. It is no longer "no profit and no interest". From my perspective they have under cut the very the "spirit" of the organisation. Because of this and my frustrations in trying to change things, I stepped down from being a director, and have just volunteered on site. My wife remained a director and when she returned from a meeting last night I got her to tell me the price being charged for the latest house. It has disturbed me all over again. I am struggling with the question, "Do I want to be identified with this organisation any more?" I feel it has taken the value out of my volunteer hours and the "Jesus-like" heart out of the work. I think I have built my last Habitat house and that is sad. I will have to find other ways to give expression to that essential solidarity.

Sometimes it would be easier to just drift.

Vegetable gardening

I have been working in our vegetable garden. I noticed in the paper this morning that Mrs Obama does vege gardening. Our vegetable garden will be nothing like hers. Ours is growing amongst paths with weeds and grass growing prolifically. I get one day off a week so our time for such a pursuits is limited, but we do have a lot of garden growing. We have had a goat and lamb get in and clean up some crops! But as I planted more plants today I could not help but be impressed with what we have produced. 

I can wander around the garden and have refreshments while I work. I can browse on broad beans, (if you eat too many raw ones you get a headache) radish, parsley, two types of lettuce, turnip tops, the goat left me a few sweet chinese peas, lovely little sweet turnips and silver beet leaves. It is so great to sit down already to a meal where most of its contents come from our garden. We have heaps of crops to mature yet and they look to be doing well. Even with little spare time, among the weeds we are growing a useful vegetable garden.

I watched a program on TV last night. They were getting a professional couple and teaching them how to establish a vegetable garden. The couple, clever, "successful" people had bought some seed potatoes to plant and were discussing them. I could not believe what I was hearing. It was obvious from the conversation that they did not have a clue about how potatoes grew, multiplied or were harvested! I can understand people not gardening. There are courses for horses and a variety of situations in life. But I could not believe that they did not know where food they obviously enjoyed and had eaten for years came from! It was a part of our learning about nature at school, how tubers multiply etc. ....we drew little drawings in our exercise book.

Apart from anything else such knowledge helps us appreciate life, the gift of food and the world of nature about us. Sometimes I think in this day and age with our modern technology, we know everything about "everything" but nothing about the basics of life. Life then becomes cheap, superficial and lacking in deeper appreciation and enrichment.

"Useless" but valuable learning. 

On thinking about it, we live in a very pragmatic and utilitarian age. We will learn something if it is useful to us. So we will learn about plant growth and nature if it leads to advancement in scholastic goals or in our career, or if we want to make money by growing our own food. But there is a whole lot of knowledge that is not utilitarian, we cannot "use" it, but it still enhances life. I was press ganged into coaching school boy cricket years ago. I did it for seven years. I am not sure that I taught the boys much, but I certainly learned heaps. I will never be a cricketer, my very average hand-eye coordination (not to mention my age) puts that well out of my grasp. But because I had to learn more about cricket to coach boys, I now really appreciate and enjoy when I can get to watch cricket. Each ball is fascinating to me. Field placings are of interest. The game has come alive for me much more because I know more about it. I have run a number of half-marathons, 10 k races, triathlons and 5 k road races. I will never be a good runner, but now I appreciate so much more about what good athletes put themselves through. The knowledge enriches and enhances my life. I have killed my own meat, chopped down trees for my own firewood and reconditioned car motors. Such experiences and knowledge enrich my appreciation of the meat I eat, the heat I enjoy, the car I drive. At a "spiritual" or deeper level, life is experienced more profoundly because of this knowledge. Knowledge does not just bring skills it brings a deeper appreciation and experience of life. I taste life more deeply because I have learned about these things. My days are therefore much richer because of this. When I die, such knowledge has meant that whatever years of life I have had or what ever experiences or exposure to life I have managed, has been value packed. Because of such non-utilitarian knowledge I have had more "bang for my buck" out of living. In these super-efficient, "bean counter" dominated days, we need to remember that there is more to life than just "production" and "action". "Useless" knowledge enhances life too.

Anyway, I enjoy my vege garden, apart from anything else, it enriches my life and my eating experience.

Exercise & lose weight or else!

My doctor has given me dire warnings about my blood pressure which seems to have gone on a sudden upward spiral. He's all worried and has instructed me to lose weight. I do not like the side effects of my current medication so I would rather try to control it without more pills. So exercise it is.... A fast walk with a friend on Thursday night; a wander up mount Cargill Friday night and a bike ride to and around town today. I'll keep you posted. I suspect it is something else driving the BP up but I can but do my best. Getting older stinks with tightened hamstrings, sore knees and stiff joints.

Photos;

• Two views from Mt Cargill summit on Friday
• That stupid stadium is getting bigger.... from my bike ride today.
  

Sexism!

It is Friday evening and our normal Friday night Drop-in centre has not started for the year. I went for a walk and had my dinner in front of TV. There was a comedy on, "Are we finished yet".  I saw the first one ("Are we there yet") last week I think. But now two children mum and step dad are a family. The thing that annoys me is that the laughs are all on the male. He is made out to be a bumbling stupid oaf, going from one disaster to the other. The mum is seen as wise, level headed etc. Let me let off steam. How many stupid comedies follow the same line? So called family comedies always have the man as somehow bumbling and stupid and the theme goes from one stupid act to the next... big laugh. TV sit-coms often follow the same formula. Tim the tool man was depicted like this. There was a women's magazine that had a column called "Mere Males" and women wrote in with their "Stupid male" stories. All good fun. ... I say "No!" 

If the roles were reversed and women were the ones poked fun at so often there would be hell to pay! The PC brigade would be madly writing to TV stations and film makers yelling sexism. In my job I hear stories from a lot of men and they feel like that at home. The wife calls the shots. "Are you going fishing this weekend?" "No my wife has a list of jobs for me." "Where are you going for a holiday?" "I would love to go..... but my wife has me going to....." Wander around any mall and you will see wife striding down from shop to shop and husband obediently two steps behind (The proper place for the subservient male) looking as bored as.  You can see them sitting restlessly in the seats that shopping malls sometimes provide, waiting obediently, dreaming of what they could be doing. 

I think its time some men's liberation groups were formed. A lot of wives wield a lot of power, and men are often too scared to be assertive because then they will be called a male chauvinist, and that's evil. He is often between a rock and a hard place. If he expresses his opinion he's a nasty male ogre. If he keeps quiet, well that just goes to show that men are inarticulate and can't express their feelings, or are out of touch with their feelings. If you want us to express our feelings be prepared to listen. When men get written off again and again, they go silent and don't waste their breath.

Anyway I get sick of mindless "family" comedies that poke fun at the male in the family. I don't think they are healthy.