Me tonight.

The picture above is me tonight. I feel like there are a whole lot of people, circumstances and events controlling my life, hemming me in. It is not just one situation, but a whole variety of people with expectations, needs and wants. Each is not a big deal, but all at once they add up to making me feel hemmed in and bottled up. It is scary because without hurting people or letting people down, I am not sure how to get out of it. I went up my mountain tonight and coming down the hill there are stone steps down a steep slope. I found myself walking around the steps. I thought,"Why?" Because the steps forced me to take big steps, in slippery circumstances, with a tender knee, and I didn't want to! I was more comfortable with small steps. That is what I feel about my life tonight. It feels like circumstances and people are forcing me to take steps and live life in ways I am not sure I want to. It feels like every minute is organised for me and I don't get to take steps in the way I am comfortable with.

I will work it out and be happy, purposeful and creative again, but just tonight that's the way I feel and this blog has been my catharsis place. Watch this space.

Time for people...

This morning I had to do some office work and rush out to get an X-ray of my knee. Then I rushed down the street to the brewery to catch up on the guys there. Having raced around there talking briefly with a number of them, I walked/ran back to the church and spent time talking to a man from the lotteries grants people because we had applied for some funding from them. While I was chatting to him some friends from the Church came into Space2b and began to tell me about the tough time they had been having with his hospitalised mother. I could not hang around and listen, there was a new immigrants orientation tour beginning there and I had to set up the power points and control them and speak. That lasted over an hour, after packing up I ran down the road to my Allied Press chaplaincy, coming back to my office later in the afternoon to do some choosing of songs and planning for Sunday until picking my wife up at 6 p.m. I came home and had dinner, watched the News on TV then started writing and sending emails. As I sat and thought about the day I realised that I had short changed my friends at lunchtime. They had stuff to get off their chest and I was not able to be there for them. I am aware too that because of my busyness there are other folk I have not "been there" for. I am coming to the conclusion that I have to step back and build more flexible time into my schedule so that I can have true "people time".

I will always remember one of the earlier nights in the drop-in centre. We had far fewer people coming each Friday night then than we do now, but it did seem busy. We had a guy by the name of Geoff coming, he was quite "straight from the shoulder" and blunt in his manner. He was trying to talk with me but I was "running the drop-in centre" by doing the dishes. As I was walking past with a tea towel in my hand and some dirty cups to wash he was trying to tell me something. I never heard his comment. In exasperation he raised his voice and said, "Brown! Would you put that bloody tea towel down, come and sit down here beside me and talk with me!" I realised I was "running the drop-in" but denying the essence of the drop-in principle by not giving myself to people.

There are statistics, and time sheets, and paper work, and programs and church services... I hope that I, and others above me, never forget that it really is the time with people that makes a difference.

I rang the friends I had neglected up tonight and he and I talked for nearly an hour. It was good for him and good for me. I need to remember that time for people is important!

From the sugar packets.

When we were in a motel just after Christmas I discovered that the little sachets of sugar had sayings printed on them. Here are the ones I found cute...

• The man who can't dance thinks the band is no good. - Polish proverb.
• Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - Issac Asimau
• One man with courage is a majority - Thomas Jefferson
• I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
• Successful people are very lucky. Just ask any failure. - Michael Levine
• Don't be so humble- you are not that great. - Golda Meir
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Fred Allen
• Fool proof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools. - Gene Brown
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. - Denis Leary
• It's just a job. Birds fly, grass grows, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Mohammad Ali
• As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder! - John Glenn

Just a bit of light reading.

It will soon be Christmas.

Exercise...

Today is the last day of the first month of 2011. I looked at my calendar on the wall and noted that I have exercised for at least an hour on 16 of the 31 days, which is not bad. Unfortunately it was mostly low key exercise and the majority of it concentrated in the last couple of weeks. But it is better than nothing. I think my knee is improving.

On Saturday I walked the organ pipe track up Mount Cargill. I was faster to the top by three minutes than I had been earlier in the week. I got there and moved down to sit among some rocks and go over my Sunday sermon in my mind. Pretty soon I was verbalising the sermon, but felt quite safe because I was quite a distance from the main car park/mast area. At one point I heard a noise behind me and turned around to see a young woman, who must have thought she had encountered a mad man. She went scuttling back over the rocks toward her car. That convinced me not to go out the way I came in. I looked down the steep ridge of rocks that eventually ended near the track. Years ago when I was a plumber I went walking with an older guy who was a keen mountaineer. (I was 20, he in his 30's) He was training for mountain trips and we would go very early in the morning, so I could get back to work for an eight o'clock start. On one of these trips I recall, just to make it interesting he branched off the normal track and we clambered up this rocky ridge to the top of Mount Cargill. If we could get up it, surely, I thought, I could get down it. So I did. I clambered down the rocks and did some bush bashing to end up back on the track. I nearly got blown off at one stage. A little later I slipped in mud and came down with a thud on a sharp rock on the right cheek of my posterior. (I am sure it is badly bruised but I cant see it.) I really enjoyed my time though. I felt like a ten year old boy again. As a ten year old I used to disappear on family picnics and climb the nearest hill. I got lost in bush. I once got stuck on a gravel slide on the side of a cliff. But as a kid I loved these lone adventures. On Saturday I was that kid again, a little boy adventuring in the wild, pushing the limits.

Winds of life...

Tonight I went up there again. It was a nice walk but as I got close to the top I could hear the wind screaming through the framework of the radio communication mast. When I arrived at the top I could not believe the strength of the wind. It was difficult walking into it. I took my glasses off because I imagined them getting blown off my face. I was afraid to go toward the edge of the bank in case I tumbled down the hill. The other thing about the wind was that it sucked the heat out of your body. I was only in it a few minutes, but I very quickly got cold. I could not help thinking that sometimes the events and people in your life suck the heat and energy out of your living. Another experience of the moods of my mountain.

Sunday sermon...

The reading for Sunday was Micah 6:1 - 8. Verse 8 is one of the well known verses in the Bible. "He has showed you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God." But the first part of the reading intrigued me. Micah paints a picture of a court case - God verses the people of Israel. God outlines his complaint and the people respond. But the interesting thing for me is the judge who hears the case. The first verse says, "Arise, plead your case before the mountains, and let the hills hear your voice." The judge is the "mountains and the hills"! They have been there looking at the journey and history of the people of Israel for generations. They are a reminder of long term consequences. They watch the interactions, wheeling and dealing of people. They see the changing fads of society. They are the judge in this imaginary court case. I like this picture. The mountains and hills by their permanence ask questions of us. What is their perspective on the things I think are important? What do they think of my small minded arguments? How do they perceive my short sighted reactions to issues? Mt Cargill has been looking down on Dunedin for years. She was there long before Dunedin was. She was there before I was, she looked down and saw my childhood. She will be there long after I have gone. It's permanence (the Bible says "the foundations of the earth") challenges me to have long term thinking. It's reality asks of my life, "What am I doing to leave Dunedin a better place?" Its a reminder to recognise long term consequences in the way I live. The "mountains and the hills" take me out of my own little circle of concern and have me looking at the wider picture. It does us good to look up to the mountains and ask ourselves in our imaginations, "From their years of watching human behaviour, from their years of just being, what is their perspective on our living?" "Plead your case before the mountains."

"Elderly"? Blah!

I was in my gym pedalling my wind trainer bike this morning. I was watching the Breakfast show on TV. The young presenters were talking about the Christchurch earthquake and saying, "My sister had some elderly people living in the house next to them. You know, they were 50's to 60 ish people...." and he went on to talk about the impact on them. 50's - 60 ish "Elderly people"? .... Come on!

To you young people let me tell you from a 62 year old, I am NOT "elderly"! It may take me all night to do what I used to do all night! A romantic weekend now may be one "active" night and one night to get over the active night. I may have a sore knee, and may never again better my personal best time in a half marathon. I may need some help with sussing out the computer from time to time, but don't you dare describe me as "elderly"! What people do when they describe people as "elderly" is basically say, "You know... those people passed their used-by date." People think that elderly people are just sitting around waiting for God. That they have no valid opinion to offer, no good perspective on things. It is ironical, you bluff your way through life and just when you think you may have a little bit of wisdom about life, and know a little bit about what is important, this world which values youth so much, has stopped listening and written you off!

I have to chuckle. I have mixed recently with young people who are on the sustainability bandwagon. They express opinions as if it was their new idea. I sit there and think that we hippy-minded people of the late 60's, early 70s were saying the same sorts of things back then with the same youthful enthusiasm! In many ways they are re-inventing the wheel. But good on them.

Anyway, if you are going to call me "elderly" at least don't write me off. I am still dreaming dreams and looking to grow, and wanting to take on more challenges. "Blah!" to "elderly"!

Changing habits

I have had a good day off. I put together a TV ariel and mounted it on the chimney. I did some other repairs to the fire flue and tidying up in the workshop. I then went for a great walk up "my" Mount Cargill. I came home and helped prepare the evening meal. Eggs from our hens, turnips, potatoes, carrots, silver beet from our garden. Bacon was the only thing from the Farmers Market.

But what I want to write about is habits. A man told me that I lead off with my right leg therefore place extra burdens on my knee. So during my last couple of walks up the mountain I have tried to lead off with my left leg. I thought if I led with my left leg I will lighten the load on my sore knee, particularly walking down the steps on the return trip. So I tried, I really tried. One step, two step, then three... I concentrated hard....but no, always I ended up swinging the right leg through and stepping down with it, jarring my knee. No matter how hard I tried I could not break a habit of a lifetime.

I got to thinking that is so true about a lot of "habits" in life. I grew up as not a very confident boy. There are a lot of reasons for this that I am not going to list off. When I played sport as a teenager, I actually was average, sometimes good at some things, but I never had the confidence needed to be really good. I never broke free, always was hesitant, and in sport those who hesitate lose. When I was a plumbing apprentice, I kept wondering when I would be really confident, but even though I was once second in NZ in my exams and always excelled in both practical and theoretical exams, I never became a truly confident plumber. It has been true all of my life. As a student I was well above average often, but still was never confident and often I procrastinated on assignments, scared to put pen to paper. These days I am nervous meeting new people. Before every Sunday I have a lousy Saturday night's sleep. I visibly shake when I conduct a wedding. I pace the floor before a funeral. I am not a confident minister, no matter how positive the feedback I get. It simply is hard breaking a habit of a lifetime. I have realised that I have to live with my lack of confidence and steel myself again and again to make sure it does not hinder me doing what I need to do. There are heaps of habits that are difficult to break. Ways of coping that may be destructive. There are sometimes ways of handling conflict situations that are hard to break. My experience of trying to lead with my left leg reminded me how difficult it is to break habits of a lifetime. I guess that is true for the people whose lives I wish would change for the better.

Week's end.

Knee problems

I have this sore knee after I run. You can feel grating sensations when I flex it. I have tried to rest it, but it has not recovered. I finally went to the Doctor. He looked at it, felt the grating sensations, pushed and pulled the leg, then told me to go for an Xray. What got me was that he said, "Probably the beginning of osteoarthritis. We wear out you know, it is part of the aging process." It was like he was saying, "What else do you expect at your age?" But I don't want to wear out! I have to wait two weeks till I get the Xray. I have reconstituted a home gym in my garage. I have a home built weights bench I welded up, a push bike on a wind trainer, some free weights, a punch bag and gloves my son left behind, and another couple of exercise machines inherited from children. I will use these rather than run regularly to manage my knee pain. I have installed a TV and my first session happened when I was watching the evening news yesterday. It makes sense, catch the news while exercising for an hour. I need to be disciplined and get out there regularly!

Time...

I come to the end of the week aware that I have still left some things undone that I should have done. I just have not been able to fit everything in. I have been hoping to have some flexible time at this time of the year, but already I seem to be able to fill my days. I think I am going to have to make adjustments, but what to cut out is very difficult?

Winding back the clock...

During January I have decided to spend Saturday mornings doing some repairs around the church building. We have had a cistern above the urinal that has often failed to shut off and has wasted water, flowing for hours. I have generally just given the cistern a big thump and it has come right, but most people are not as innovative as I. Yesterday I took it off the wall, pulled it all to pieces, cleaned every part, straightened everything up, put it back together and replaced it and it is going fine now! I also changed a washer on a tap. I decided I enjoy plumbing. Next week some spouting.... why did I give up being a plumber? It is quite enjoyable simply problem solving physical, mechanical things. People are much more complicated.

Jesus is like iron filings.

Last Sunday when we turned a corner on our run some graffiti on a wall read, "If we are all God's children, what's so great about Jesus?" .. I think there was an expletive there too. (I went back to photograph it on Tuesday and somebody had painted it out.) My running friend saw it first and turned to me and said, "What's your answer Mr Minister?" I fobbed it off, but here is the way I see things. I guess the writer was saying if we are all sons and daughters, what is so special about calling Jesus the Son of God? I agree we are all children of God. Here is how I see Jesus. He came and lived his life. People listened to his teaching, spent time with him, saw his values and lifestyle and sensed that there was something special about him. Marcus Borg suggests that there are "spirit people" whose quality of life enables us to see the sacred, and that Jesus was such a "spirit person". In Hebrew religion and in Greek religion there were traditions of calling special people "sons of God". Hebrew kings were referred to in this way, emphasising their role as representatives of God. In Greek mythology and in Roman thinking "Son of God" was often used for special people... emperors and such. The disciples of Jesus and the early church in trying to describe their experience of Jesus as a "spirit person" picked up the term "Son of God" and applied it to Jesus. It was the highest term they could think of, because for them, Jesus seemed to show them what God was like, and most truly represent God. When I call Jesus "Son of God" I am not thinking in "genetic terms", I am using a metaphor to say that for me, Jesus encapsulates what I sense the sacred to be.

Let me give an illustration. If I have a magnet I see the metal bits. But there are unseen force fields buzzing around those metal bits that are important. They are there. I can see their impact if I put a pin near them. They are important in electric motors and so many other things, but I do not see them. "God" for me is like those force fields. Not stuck in heaven, but an unseen reality in the midst of human life. He is the ultimate truths that tug at our heartstrings. He is the perspective and wisdom that guides people, groups and nations. He is the "collective conscience" that is a part of society. He is the compassion that wells up inside of us and the urge for justice. Etc. etc. With a magnet, if I get a sheet of paper, put the magnet on the other side, and sprinkle iron filings over the paper, suddenly the patterns of the force fields are revealed! These otherwise unseen lines are seen clearly. For me, Jesus is like iron filings. He reveals to me, not a God up in heaven, but the "force fields", the directions, the values etc. of the unseen sacred layer of reality that is a part of life. I look at Jesus and somehow I sense "the sacred", the "eternal" or "God" in life. Somehow I sense God addressing me in Jesus. The ancients experienced the same thing and said, "He is the Son of God". The modern man like Marcus Borg says "He is the 'spirit person' I choose to follow".

To finish I leave you with a quote from Albert Schweitzer. I love this quote because it describes my experience. Somehow it is when we respond that Jesus becomes "real" and an unseen partner in life. I used this quote in worship this morning.

He comes to us as One unknown, without a name, as of old, by the lake side, He came to those men who knew Him not. He speaks to us the same word: “Follow thou me!” and sets us to the tasks which He has to fulfill for our time. He commands. And to those who obey Him, whether they be wise or simple, He will reveal Himself in the toils, the conflicts, the sufferings which they shall pass through in His fellowship, and, as an ineffable mystery, they shall learn in their own experience Who He is. (Concluding paragraph, Quest of the Historical Jesus.)

Photos:

Some pictures from my walk up Mount Cargill on Tuesday. I got soaked but I loved the moods of the mountain.

And a picture of iron filings revealing magnetic force fields.