Highs and lows...

I often feel frustrated, and hemmed in by the need to compromise.

Great team effort...
I am chairman of the local Night Shelter Trust. The old house we were renting is up for sale so we decided to upgrade to rent another. The new house is two units and is around the corner from our old one. It has a total of 12 bedrooms, but we will just use the front one (five bedrooms) as a Night Shelter and sublet the back one.  It will allow us in the future to  expand our operation. Saturday was our big moving day. I was making phone calls during the week to make sure everything was OK, but discovered my fellow members of the trust board were keen and willing to do stuff to get the job done. On Saturday morning I had got up early to do some church work then get to the shelter in time to start the big move. An early phone call from the Trust treasurer came apologising because he was going to be late.... he had to do stuff down at his church. Then he told me that on the Friday afternoon some of the guys had already started moving. I was so pleased and impressed that I came off the phone and said to my wife, "We should start a new church with the Night Shelter Trust members. They really want to do stuff!" I was really rapt. I arrived at the shelter and we started moving stuff. I had to eat my words because three guys from my Church turned up and another was willing to loan me a trailer.  We had my three guys, my wife, available Trust board members, another two from a Presbyterian church, our manager and a couple of the night shelter volunteers. We borrowed a truck from the Salvation Army and we were all moved by lunch time. By mid afternoon we had the new place set up and ready to open for business that night. It was funny, people kept saying, "Isn't this great! What a great team effort!" One of my guys said today, "I enjoyed yesterday!" It was a really enjoyable day even though we were working hard. It wasn't till mid afternoon that I bought myself lunch. Today I was back there while one of our guys was trying to set up the broadband. I mucked around pottering and assisting him when called upon. I have to do some work at both places tomorrow and meet the real estate agent for the final inspection of the old place.  It is so much fun being part of a team like that. We used to sing a song at school; "Give me some men, who are stout hearted men, who will fight for the right they adore; start me with ten, who are stout hearted men, and I'll soon give you ten thousand more... Shoulder to shoulder, bolder and bolder... etc." Its that feeling of unity of purpose and the energy generated in the togetherness that I enjoy. These experiences are somehow part of the REAL stuff of life, treasured moments to relish.
"Family night"
We have these family nights at the Church every two months for people we encounter through Space2B. Last night we had a good group of people who came and shared food and conversation together. There were people from a variety of countries and I always find it interesting catching up on people, learning about their culture, their experiences and yet also discovering again that we are in essence brothers and sisters.   Why can't we discover this truth and live it more often?
Disturbed Church service
I had snatched time during the week to put together what I thought was a reasonable sermon and service. I presented it but about three quarters of the way through the service an elderly lady collapsed. We have a retired doctor as organist and he along with a lovely nurse attended to the lady. In due course once she was comfortable, we completed the service. We had alerted the ambulance and a couple of "my"  St John paramedics arrived and checked her out. With assistance she was allowed to go home. I suspect my "glorious" sermon was forgotten by then! 
Compromise
I have generally an elderly congregation so sermons have to be shortish. My congregation is not versed in scholarly scriptural analysis. I do a lot of preparation for my sermons. I get excited by where my theology leads me. I see all sorts of implications in what I am exploring. When I deliver the final product, however, I find myself needing to "dumb down" the presentation. If I gave all I wanted to say several things could happen. People would switch off... too hard to grapple with. Some people would be hurt or offended by my scriptural analyses. I have to allude to stuff so that people are opened up to wider perspectives by "hints" rather than careful, full disclosure presentation.  ... I know this adapting is part of the art of communication, but sometimes I feel like I am cheating myself, not being true to myself and I feel frustrated that I do not have a forum to explore the subjects in real depth. I have often said to myself, "One day I'm going to write a book." -  just for myself. I would love to spell out and explore where I stand and the full implications of my understandings, experiences and half thought out theories. Perhaps it is a retirement project. I thought, even as I tried presenting stuff this morning, "Sometimes I am sick of compromising! Give me people of depth who want to really explore stuff and not just skirt around the edges."

We returned home... :-(

My son with his Lil Edie (Edith)

We installed the lower window and weatherboards. The beginnings of a downstairs workshop.

Edith and I had a special long time together this morning. She was wide awake and listening.

My son told me off but I sang all the songs I used to sing to him. Edith seemed to enjoy it. (She'll get more discerning fast enough!)

After visiting with my son, daughter-in-law and their new daughter Edith from Monday night till this morning, we returned home. I felt sad to be going because next time we see her she will be grown so much and we will not be on her radar. I had a lump in my throat as we said our goodbyes. My son and I had done a couple of projects on their house and there were more I was itching to get into and help him with. I do enjoy working with him. We have returned and will hit the decks running. I am in charge of shifting the night shelter tomorrow. Just now it is time to catch up on mail and phone messages, then ease into my lovely warm waterbed. :-)

Judgemental about being non-judgemental

Let me tell you about an incident at a training day recently. We were in little groups for workshops and this one topic was about “diversity”. We were asked, as often women group leaders often ask, “How do you feel when you encounter different people, that is, cultural or religious diversity?” One of the chaplains told of an incident where he responded with a gay client he knew well.  As soon as he reported what he had said (Though I suspect it wasn’t offensive in the context because he knew this person very well) I thought, “O good grief the PC brigade will jump on that!” (I need to say that I disagreed with his response… but thankfully his heart is bigger than his theology) Sure enough the group leader came down on him very sternly. He, with a twinkle in his eye said, “I didn’t think it was too bad, I could have said … (and shared a couple of humorous lines often heard in male circles)” I chuckled and the “accepting diversity” group leader glared at me. “It isn’t funny!” she scolded, “No - it’s not funny at all!”  I was asked by another group member for a reaction and tried to put my thoughts on how a non-judgemental response could have been thought through, but I think the leader had put me in a box by then. Now I happen to agree with her stance, but I thought her reaction was too serious and counter productive.

In reflecting on the whole group interaction later I got to thinking that she was not modelling the behaviour she was trying to encourage. She was trying to encourage an “accepting of diversity” stance by chaplains, but she was being very judgemental herself when diversity was encountered in the group.  How do we avoid being “judgemental liberals”? How do we avoid “being fundamentalist about not being fundamentalist”?  I recall watching a church conference debate panning out and there were the “evangelical fundamentalists” on one side and the “ecumenical liberals” responding.  Even then my youthful mind got to thinking that psychologically these people are the same! They have different words and theology, but attitudinally they are all “rigid-fundamentalist-dogmatics” in their reactions.

I have sometimes encountered truly spiritually mature people who are very often the quieter ones in a group.  They will listen and reflect for a long while before they respond. Then, and only then, they will respond gently with warmth and a tentative but incisive question. They go through a much deeper process before they respond. They have heard carefully the apposing argument or the point of view they disagree with. They have then reflected on why that person has said what they have said. They have thought empathetically about where that person is coming from. Then in their mind they have asked the question, “How best can I constructively open up this person to another point of view?” Then, in a loving fashion they have moulded the appropriate question that shows respect, and yet might in a constructive way help the other to see different perspectives. That is why they are often the quiet ones.  They spend time moulding and shaping a constructive, caring approach. It is not about themselves and their opinions; it is about showing love to the other, understanding the other and gently guiding toward mutual growth.

I often have to pull myself up. I can get very judgemental about other peoples judgemental attitudes, without seeing that I am doing exactly the same thing. 

Waiheke Break

One scene as we walked to my son's place this morning.

Beautiful beaches in peaceful looking bays all over the island.

Her first big excursion in the car. It took four of us to read the manual and install this in the car. 

Looking from our winery lunch table toward Auckland city.

How the other half lives...
Today was my son's birthday so we went out to a winery for a lazy lunch in the sun. Before we arrived at lunch we went around looking at some fancy houses belonging to some of New Zealand's richest. They were very nice with incredible views. We looked enviously at sections and lifestyle blocks with incredible views of the water, islands and Auckland. They were beautiful but I am really rich in so many ways and am basically contented.
Nuns retreat...
We are staying in a little cottage belonging to the Dominican sisters. It is a little retreat place for nuns and we discovered the nuns have small bedrooms with single beds. My wife and I for the first time in years slept in separate rooms in separate beds. We coped, but one of my elders upon hearing about it asked, "Is this something we should worry about?"
Work work...
While we were eating our lunch I received a work phone call. It was brief and the office manager apologised for it, but I was interested in my reaction. I immediately felt guilty for being away and began to feel stressed about the news and implications. It is funny though I have to lead a service this weekend and it had often crossed my mind while I was doing things during the day. I decided as I took a drink to my single bedroom last night to do some thinking about it. As I was undressing the sermon outline, readings and even some songs came to mind. I sat up in bed and jotted down the notes. Sometimes switching off means that your unconscious has an opportunity to switch on and sort stuff out. I often find this. If I do some work on my sermon and on Saturday wander up the mountain track, somehow thoughts gel easily.
Fun work...
Today my son and I did some work under the house putting in underfloor insulation and after lunch decided to change jobs and begin to install a window in the space under the house. I enjoy feeling useful when I visit. Tomorrow is our last full day here. 

Photos don't do justice.

Meeting Edith Daisy Brown
We came from Dunedin to Waiheke Island in Auckland on Monday night. We drove by car to the airport, flew to Auckland, bused into the city and went by ferry to the Island - car, plane, bus and boat - a fun trip. We left our house at about 4:50 p.m. and got to my son and daughter-in-laws' home at around 11 p.m. We finally met our grand daughter. We had received photos but seeing her in the flesh is different. Her delightful little hands and feet, her very definite features, lips, nose and her contented sleep just cannot be communicated through photos.  I have had her sleeping on my lap in my arms. This morning I looked after her while she was awake, looking intently at me, wondering who I am. Apparently I am to be "Pop". That's Ok with me. I am fearful we will not be able to get up to see her as often as we would like as she grows. At the moment we are enjoying having a baby to make a fuss of.
There are some good things about getting old.
On the way up I sat in front of a young woman who was traveling with a guy... I don't think it was her boyfriend - yet. She was a VERY attractive woman dressed to attract - very short skirt etc. I watched her interacting with guys in the departure lounge. Then as she sat behind me for the flight I could hear their conversation. Each was trying to impress the other. There was very affected laughter, forced jokes and weird conversation. I got to thinking that there are some good things about getting old. You may not look as nice, you are not as virile and you may not be able to do all you used to do but you can relax and say, "What you see is what you get!" There is no need to "impress" and you are not worried about struggling to be accepted. It was tiring listening to them, and it must have been a tiring effort for them to keep saying "the right thing" to each other.
Health report...

• My friend Curly Griffith had his pacemaker fitted late on Sunday night and rang me at the office from his home on Monday. I have received texts today and he is doing well. I am so pleased.
• I have heath issues I face each day, and yet already during this brief break I notice an improvement. Stress has a lot to answer for. Roll on retirement.

Warmer air..

Driving down to the beach on Waiheke Island we discovered a family picnicing. The little children were running around naked, it was so warm. We sat on the deck for morning tea and lunch. People at the store were wearing shorts and tee shirts. I love Dunedin for many reasons but... it is cold! The winter weather here is like summer weather in Dunedin. Maybe in retirement I should move north? Life would be easier, gardening better, no frosts, snow and icy roads to contend with. But here there are more people, more problems and costlier houses. Oh well, I guess I will hang in with Dunedin.

Life is never dull - joy and anxiety mix.

Grand daughter Edith Daisy Brown having a bath. She does not look too comfortable!

Completed tiles my daughter (mostly) did to pretty up our new vanity unit.

Some joys...

• This week we have continued to get photos of our new grand daughter. It has been a delight to receive them. I am thrilled that my son seems to be wrapped to be a father. I have to chuckle.... He was "never goin' to get married" and "never goin' to have kids! - they're just noisy brats!"  ... Well now he has done both and I think he's happy with both conditions. He and his lovely wife put this on Facebook...Natasha and Phillip would like to announce the birth of thier baby girl Edith Daisy Brown. Born 15th May 8.50pm. 6 pounds. Feel like the luckiest two people in the world right now. We are both smitten with our daughter :)
• I had a busy but good Friday. I started the day doing some Church and Night Shelter work for an hour and catching up with one of my Night Shelter colleagues. It is always great to feel a part of a team. I then, reluctantly, went out to a "Professional Development Day" for workplace Chaplains from 10 a.m. until 3 p.m.  I was feeling that I really did not have the time for the day and did not look forward to the content. While much of it was "revision" I did receive some resources that will help. I guess I enjoyed most the linking with other Workplace Chaplains, the brief chats we had and again the feeling of not being alone so much in this weird journey. After 3 p.m. I visited fire stations for two and a half hours and enjoyed the conversations and friendships there. Our regular Friday drop-in centre happened from 6:30 until 9:30p.m. and once again I played heaps of table tennis, but generally felt positive about what we are doing there. It was funny - I get so hot playing that I often strip off jersey, then generally I take my singlet off and replace whatever shirt I wear just to stay cool. On Friday night I had a light thermal tee shirt looking singlet under my shirt and figured that was decent enough for me to wear playing table tennis. A wide eyed young girl looked at me as I got myself a drink and said,"What the....? I've never seen you like that before!" Next time I think I better wear something more "decent"... I might warp the poor girl for life!
• I have a friend who graduated this weekend with a Master of Education and I have been pleased about that for her. We have enjoyed a weekly run together (recently it has been a walk) for years now.
• Yesterday an Elder and friend, Curly by name, joined me as we searched the church for water leaks. Our Church water account seemed high so he and I crawled under the Church, fixed taps and checked cisterns to try to find the escaping costly water. We were not as successful as we hoped, but I enjoy working with Curly. He and his wife are good friends and are important colleagues in our ministry. They help us in our drop-in centre and support us in so many ways around the church. 
• We had lunch today with our son, his fiance and her mother. It was good to spend time together.

Anxiety.....

• As I prepared for today's Church service I was conscious that quite a number of our folk would be away. Some are ill and others are out of town. As it turned out we had the smallest Church service I have seen for some time. It is anxiety producing because it is a harsh reminder that the congregation is fairly fragile. 
• On the way into Church we had a phone call. It was my friend Curly's wife. He had been having mysterious blackouts lately in spite of being relatively fit and healthy otherwise. He apparently had one just as he was awakening this morning. We advised her to get the ambulance, despite his refusals. She did and he ended up in the emergency department, where he had another of his turns. This lead to serious investigations. We visited after Church. (My wife does voluntary work in the ED area of the hospital so could run around getting things for them.) Apparently they found his heart is actually stopping for a short time, and then starts again. I called to see him in the coronary unit this evening. They are planning a pacemaker for him, but somehow it was quite hard seeing this man I depend on so much, a bit disorientated and wired up to machines. I came home a bit anxious and will be pleased to hear that he has his pacemaker fitted and going.

Today's sermon...

"If the church were Christian inviting questions would be valued more than supplying answers."

• The Church has often been afraid of people questioning or doubting their faith.
• But the Church should be a place where people can explore truth.
• Jesus questioned his religion. ("It was said ... but I say to you...") He told stories that often invited questions and were often open ended and evocative.
• The realities of life have us questioning faith, like the Psalmists and the book of Job. We need to develop a faith that is real.
• Some expressions of the faith need to be questioned and left behind. We need to grow, and a readiness to question allows us to evolve. 
• To make our faith "ours" and have it truly assimilated into our life we need to work out what our core beliefs and values  are. Questioning is like a gold pan, it gets rid of the gravel and dust and leaves the "gold". 

Tomorrow.. my day "off".

I will work for two thirds of tomorrow. I have night shelter stuff to do, a brewery to visit, some church work and a hospital visit. After that I will pack to go visit my grand daughter and her parents. Life is never dull. 

More details...

I have a grand daughter. She is well and apparently feeding well. She is my son Phil and his wife Natashas' baby they have named Edith. He let us know by the shortest text you could think of while I was completing my blog post last night; "She's out!"

He also got confirmation today about being the successful applicant for a good job he wanted. He really is quite a gifted man, who lacks a bit of self-confidence. I am glad his employers recognised his worth. (He has worked for them on contract before) I rang him to congratulate him and heard my grand daughter crying, demanding to be fed as he answered the phone.

I have often been off hand about babies... cynical about the way people go gaga over them. But here is a new life with all that potential, a budding personality and it is the start of another sacred journey. It really is quite awesome and mind blowing. She is fortunate, she has gifted responsible parents who wanted her. Bless you my wee girl, may your journey be rich and fulfilling. May your parents be given all the wisdom, patience and love they need as you grow up. May you continue to live in an atmosphere of welcoming, affirming love. May my boy be a better dad than his dad. I hope he has learned from my mistakes.

I am so pleased for the three of them.  Here are some pics....