Pain, pocketknives and pondering

It hits from time to time...
It will be a week since we had put our dog down. I knew it was the best decision but I still miss him. Now you need to know that he was not like some dogs in some households. In many households the dog is like a person in the family. Max was loved but he was still a dog. But I have realised how often I greeted him and he greeted me. It has been strange coming home at night and not hearing his bark of greeting. Every morning I have suddenly missed not seeing him check out what is going on and on Saturdays I often had more contact. I'll get used to him not being there but it is funny how much they become a part of life.
Pocket knives that keep coming back.
Some years ago a friend came back from a european trip and presented me with a real swiss army knife. That knife has been well used since then and indeed has been knocked around a bit, not now the shinny example it once was. Every day it is in my pocket, most often hanging on a chain. There has seldom been a day when I have not carried it, people tease me because I carry it, but I often find a use for one of its implements. On Friday I had been cutting up an apple at my office desk and had left the knife sitting on the desk. A friend came in and eventually took me away to check something out at the Night Shelter. My wife came in and took me away for lunch. About mid-afternoon I could not find my knife anywhere! I searched both the office and car. I thought I could remember throwing it in my pocket, but not attaching it to the chain. I thought of all the places (car-coffee bar- public toilets - garage-door workshop etc.) where I had sat down or where it could potentially have dropped out of my pocket. By Friday night I had decided it was lost, gone forever. Probably somebody else had picked it up and was celebrating their find. I was sad because I was attached to that knife. On Saturday I got up and loaded an old "Mercator" knife onto my chain and took an electrician friend to the Night Shelter to do some work for us. He did his wiring and I delivered him home, while I debated with myself about whether to go back and fix a hinge on a door. I decided I would and entered the property again. I was carrying a toolbox and was just thinking, "I wish I had my swiss army knife!" and happened to look down at the grass where I was walking. There it was, lying in the damp grass not far from the front door of the night shelter! I snatched it up, clicked it onto my chain and texted my wife. "That which was lost has been found!" I had given it up for being lost for good. I am sure if any night shelter clients had seen it I would have lost it. I was so pleased. I thought about a similar event with my "Mercator" knife. I had it when I was plumbing - 40 something years ago. I was fixing a pipe at an uncle's house in a muddy trench near a steep bank. I filled in the trench, but later discovered my knife was not with my tools. Quite a few months later I was helping my uncle cut the lawns and I saw part of the handle of the knife sticking out of the ground. It was rusty but cleaned up well. An old plumber once said to me, "Every good plumber should carry a pencil, pocket knife, rule and piece of string!" These days as a minister, I am seldom without one of my pocket knives and a pen.

My old "Mercator" and my "Victorinox" Swiss Army knife. - shield came off. :-) Love them both. 

Full on weekend..
This weekend my daughter and son-in-law were away. They do a lot of the powerpoint preparation and technical support for our Church services. They set up the equipment and "push the buttons" during Church and also produce the Church newsletter. I had to do all their duties and there were some extra things thrown into the service I  had to prepare for. I wondered if I could get it all done, particularly since during the week my usual work pattern had been interrupted regularly. I began the weekend a way behind schedule and at one stage said to my wife, "I'll never do it!" But I did. Focusing on one job at a time, planning which parts to do when and just settling down to work through the list - I made it. I did a sermon essentially on Psalm 23 with a bit of Mark 6 (The "Sheep without a shepherd" passage). My partial outline is below.... my testimony bouncing off the "Shepherd Psalm".

Something good's going on at our drop-in.

I am sitting in bed drinking my Horlicks, its 11: 05 p.m. on a Friday night. We are unwinding from our Drop-in centre. Our Church runs a drop-in on Friday nights. We open the doors at 6:30 p.m. and close up at 9:30 p.m.  When people arrive they get sausages, bread and tomato sauce and there is a selection of sandwiches all around the hall. We have lounge chairs, couches, two pool tables, one table tennis table, stereo tuned into a music radio station, piano, jigsaw, some craft things and an area where people can watch TV. There is hot water going all night and people can help themselves to hot and cold drinks (non-alcoholic) Buns, loaf and sweet things are served throughout the evening. We would average around 40-45 through. The people who come are all unemployed, many are mental health patients and people with addiction problems. They range in age from a nine year old girl through to men in their seventies. An example would be tonight a guy was there who had been away for 5 months. He told me, "I got out on Wednesday" and talked about prison life. We have known him for years. Another young man has a carer with him because of his bad behaviour, but we find him delightful. He runs around helping to mix drinks, keep the water up to the urn, do dishes and generally with a smile, teasing and laughter enjoying our company. We have run the drop-in since 1995.
Tonight we had 65 through. It was such a good night, so much laughter, conversation and friendship. Both pool tables and the table tennis table were busy all night.  I spent much of the night doing dishes, but conversed heaps and played both pool and table tennis. I looked at what was going on and thought that this was something unique and special.
A decision...
At various times persons from among those who come step up and begin helping to host the night. We have had a man come for many years who has been very deaf, from birth I think.  A year or so ago he got hearing aids which helped his hearing, but he still talks like a deaf person. Tonight he informed me that he had turned 48! (He looks younger) I wished him a happy birthday and he said, "I'm ooold now! - Hate it." I assured him he had a long way to go to catch me. While I was doing the dishes he came up with his cup and put it in the water. Then went away. Soon he was back with two more. Then he said, "I'll look for more" and he went around the room collecting cups and delivering them to be washed. I washed some teaspoons and a cup that we put them in and he dried them and took them back to the drinks station. I smiled inside... he had decided to join us in helping host the night. In some ways I think this is similar to, what they used to call, a "decision for Christ". Its signifies a very significant move. He has chosen to move from client to become a host. When he left he came over to me at the sink and said a special "Goodbye". When we got home we chatted about him and various people and how each had changed significantly for the better. Something special and good is going down each Friday night. I was tired and grumpy when I began tonight, but in spite of this, I loved my night.

Aaaargh...All too much!

I have been struggling this week. There are some health issues to contend with. In the last couple of days I have also had to listen to other people's issues and difficulties. I have had to recognise some short comings I have had as chair of the Night Shelter. Progress seems slow and frustrating. So I spent last night stewing, sick of it all and wanting to chuck in everything. Two things have helped.

• On Tuesday night I watched a documentary on William Wilberforce and his work and impact. There was little that was new for me in the documentary but just the reminder of this guy's tenacity inspired me.
• The reading for Mark set by the Revised Common Lectionary for this week. Mark 6:30-34, 53-56 

³⁰The apostles gathered around Jesus, and told him all that they had done and taught. ³¹He said to them, “Come away to a deserted place all by yourselves and rest a while.” For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. ³²And they went away in the boat to a deserted place by themselves. ³³Now many saw them going and recognized them, and they hurried there on foot from all the towns and arrived ahead of them. ³⁴As he went ashore, he saw a great crowd; and he had compassion for them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd; and he began to teach them many things. 
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⁵³When they had crossed over, they came to land at Gennesaret and moored the boat. ⁵⁴When they got out of the boat, people at once recognized him, ⁵⁵and rushed about that whole region and began to bring the sick on mats to wherever they heard he was. ⁵⁶And wherever he went, into villages or cities or farms, they laid the sick in the marketplaces, and begged him that they might touch even the fringe of his cloak; and all who touched it were healed.
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• I found the description "like sheep without a shepherd" a good description of our society. We have given up traditional foundations (and I suspect that's not bad) but we have not discovered or cemented in new ones.
• I could identify with "For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat." (I work through every lunch hour) That's what my life feels like.

One comment on the passage by William Loader I found via the Textweek website inspired me....

"Mark’s hearers then and now know that this is not the whole story, but it does not change the nature of the mission: to offer leadership in teaching and in acts of compassion that bring healing and set people free from what oppresses them." 

It felt like he had given expression to a mission statement for my life and it is helping me today to hang in there.

Goodbye Max

There was an old cowboy tear jerker song named "There's a bridle hanging on the wall."  That song has been running through my mind, particularly as I put away my old dog's collar and his walking leads. We took him first thing this morning to a vet to be put down, his time had come.
I recall that when we got him I was not keen. We had enjoyed three dogs in our family over the years and I loved each one.  I knew I was so busy that maybe we could not give the time a dog needed.  Our foster daughter who had big handicaps had loved Flint, who was my son's dog, and would spend hours with him. He got cancer and had to be put down.  After a time it seemed the family wanted a new dog and my hesitations seemed out of place. This mischievous little puppy arrived and the family and their friends fell in love with him, he was named "Max".  I recall one of my sons and his teenage friends enjoying "Maxy" a lot.  He grew to be a very strong, broad shouldered Labrador who never lost some of his "puppyness". He had the most beautiful nature. I only remember him growling once in his life, at a grumpy Pitbull we encountered on a track once. On one occasion he spent time in kennels. The proprietor loved him, remembering him fondly when we returned some years later and welcomed him back by name, surprised he was as well as he was.  
He and I went for many walks, quiet walks up the road most often, while I unwound from a day. My wife ended up being his main daily walker in the second part of his life. I went on many bigger walks with him. He came up Swampy Summit with me. We walked up Flagstaff and of course "my" Mount Cargill together many times. He came up both those hills in snow, nuzzling his way through this fascinating white cold stuff.  There was something nice walking with this quiet friendly companion and I confess to chatting away to him as we walked. He would look at me patiently and seemed to listen. When I stopped he would come sit beside me and lean against my leg. He loved having his chest scratched. He, like the rest of my family, suffered a certain neglect, because of my busy lifestyle. I feel guilty about that, he deserved a lot more pampering and companionship. 

A 2008 walk in the bush

I went for a nostalgic walk with him last night with a big lump in my throat. He got breathless fairly easily so it was a relatively short walk. He still was keen to go though and seemed to enjoy our time together - he was still a puppy in his mind. This morning when I loaded him into the car he seemed to be asking, "Where are we going boss? For a walk? .. Oh boy!" He was always inquisitive and keen to explore. When the vet and her nurse came up, here were two new friends to meet with wagging tail. .. It has been hard, but it was his time. He apparently was an ancient dog for his breed. (16-17 years) I had a photo of him when he was first diagnosed with health issues. (A tumor and breathing difficulties) When I compared it with his condition today he was fading away and was getting wobbly on his back legs. He will be our last pet. Perhaps when I retire I'll have time for a pet, but I think we'll be needing to simplify and free up life then.

Watching me gardening last year.

I buried Max reverently in a quiet spot, beside the bush down the back paddock. Thank you for enriching my life old friend... we should all be like Max, inquisitive, friendly and still "puppies" in our hearts.

Quoted in the newspaper

The Dunedin Night Shelter in Lees Street.

One of the local community papers is called "the D Scene." While we were getting ready to host our kids for tea on Monday night I received a call from a reporter. She fired questions at me about the possibility of a woman's night shelter. I had involved our social work student in making phone calls to agencies to see what the need was for a shelter. Somehow I think this woman had heard about that. I am always guarded with reporters. I have been burned before. Sometimes they are out for some sort of critical, dirt digging angle. I was quite pleased with the result with this article though, there was only one little mistake.  We have a few things on the go and are working toward a street appeal on August 10th - 11th. Anyone want to volunteer to stand with a collection bucket? Let me know on brown.church@xtra.co.nz .
I am in the process of preparing a blog site for the Night Shelter. Watch this space.
Tonight I am home alone. I have cooked and eaten a big but lovely evening meal. I have loud sixties music playing on the stereo, the fire burning and now am sipping an old dark beer. About four hours ago I was sitting on some steps next to a big copper kettle where this beer is produced chatting to the brewers. I am a lucky man, my life is an interesting journey.

Mid winter lunch

Last Friday the available local Workplace Support Chaplains had a mid winter meal at the kiosk at the Botanical Gardens. It was a good time to spend with people of like mind. These people have been regular chaplains visiting people in places like ambulance stations, a casino, concrete manufacturers, road work sites, power line companies, freezing works, supermarkets, homes for people with handicaps, brewery, etc. etc.  They have helped people work their way through heaps of problems.  Family break ups, workplace deaths, difficult kids, financial problems, stress, just a listening ear for day to day life events and much much more are all the sorts of things these folk share in day in and day out. We do the same sort of work but we are very different people.

Family, fulfillment and feeling good

The family when we were a lot younger.

Family
All  my children are over 30 now, adults with their own spouses or partners. My oldest child has a birthday today, so last night she, her husband, my youngest son and his fiancee came for an evening meal.  It was the first time the fiancee had been at our house so my daughter and son began showing her family photos and chatting about the family events the photos revealed. Then we rang the son in Edinburgh, Scotland and skyped with son, daughter in law and grand daughter in Auckland. As I sat there the phone and computer got handed around. There was good natured bantering going on. The kids were interested in each other and chatted with warmth and humour. I looked and listened and felt pleased and proud. Here was a family who loved, accepted and cared for one another. I was not the most consistent dad. My wife was always the loving level headed caring mum. But either my kids are resilient or somehow we did something right, they are turning out to be fine men and women with a beautiful variety of personality. For that I am thankful. I have no doubt that like me they will have their moments. I hope and pray that they will continue to find love, growth and fulfillment. ... at the moment I could leave this life and feel good about the family I've helped shape.
Chatting
Today shortly after 8 a.m. I hit the office and at around 6 p.m. I was back at the office to pack up and go home. I did not really stop "working" all day. I have had heaps of conversations during the day. I am learning that being a chairman of a group is not just facilitating meetings, but chatting with members of the Trust, picking their brains and assisting them to do their thing - about two hours were spent chatting with Night Shelter Trust Board members. I enjoy the company of like minded people.  An hour was spent chatting about working-with-people issues with a social work student on fieldwork placement with me. I came to realise much of what I have learned has happened through trial and error and reflection on that. I also chatted with ambulance staff, the city's street sweeper (he's going to buy me some cholesterol reducing nuts - lovely guy!) other guests in Space2B, and firefighters. Just now after my evening meal I nearly fell asleep in front of the fire. I have some more reading for sermon preparation to do before I go to bed. I am still distracted by health issues but - I believe, so far, I have made a difference for good today.  I'm pleased about that!