Nightmares - emotions catching up.

Old emotions revisited.

A few weeks ago I had morning tea with “Gold Watch” a bunch of retired fire fighters. I was talking with one man who had been retired for quite a number of years. Some comment sparked him to tell me about a call he went on during his years of service. The call was a very tragic one and as he told of the events he went quiet. He said in a quiet voice, “It was really sad.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.” and shook his head sadly. He went on to tell about another couple of scary calls and his feelings.  He eventually summed it all up by saying, “There were some pretty tough scenes.”  I realised that in some informal way he was debriefing. The visit to the station had brought back these vivid memories and he was unloading with me and expressing his feelings. I think I have been going through a similar experience with my emotions catching up with me.

Nightmares - why?

I retired from Church ministry at Christmas time. I have, however, kept myself fairly busy with chaplaincies, my surgery and the fundraising effort for the Dunedin Night Shelter.  Now I have come away from Dunedin and am staying with my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter on Waiheke Island. I can do no work.  For four months I am out of circulation. I have had a few phone calls, emails and texts relating to drop-in centre or chaplaincies, but have had to say “Sorry I am out of circulation.”  Initially I slept well on our holiday. Our bed in our van is comfortable, quiet and warm. But the last few nights I have had nightmares that have disturbed my sleep. Sometimes they are related to the Church and ministry.  One night was centred on a St John ambulance scene, another the brewery or other chaplaincy scene.  Another was Night shelter issues.  Why? 

I think partly it is the stresses of my work life catching up on me now that I am stopped. I have often visited busy strong manly men after heart surgery.  Often I am stunned by the fact that these “real men” have started to weep. It seems to be the stresses of life catching up on them after the shock and forced stopping of the surgery. I think that is what is happening to me. I am forced to stop, and my emotions are  now catching up on me.

Unresolved feelings of guilt

The second reason it is happening is a certain amount of unresolved guilt. First - In each of these areas of ministry I have had weaknesses and I feel that “failure”. My work has not been up to my own expectations and I feel guilty about that. (I have to accept my humanity) But secondly, I realise that in each area I feel like I have let people down. The Church I retired from is struggling to find itself and to get a successor. (An elderly lady at the Church died while I have been up here and she had told me she wanted me to take her funeral – I think this was a trigger for these nightmares.)  The Night Shelter is in the middle of a fundraising campaign and there are other awkward issues that I have left people to deal with.  I had not really organised a real stand in at St John and there are events coming up that could do with a chaplain. (I have had three phone calls as St John chaplain and felt guilty I could not respond)  All that to say that whether I should feel guilty or not, I am having to deal with feelings of guilt about letting people down.

How am I now going to contribute?

Thirdly, I have feelings of uncertainty about my future usefulness. I am enjoying doing DIY jobs with and for my son, and I could spend the rest of my life doing this sort of thing around my own home. But I know I have more to offer than just DIY skills.  How I contribute to the community in years to come is still uncertain and this uncertainty contributes to my nightmares.

It is a funny stage of life to experience, but that’s what is happening for me.

Be willing to be disturbed.

We stopped work on it when it rained and got dark.

An early morning start enabled the children attending the birthday party to enjoy the trampoline.

My son and I spent a couple of hours erecting this trampoline. It was quite a job with 96 springs to install under tension, 96 net ties to loop, again under tension and of course the manual for such things is not always the most helpful. The size of the finished product frightened my son. It took up quite a bit of the lawn and would make mowing the lawn much more complicated. He was expressing his disappointment and that he tries to keep the place tidy, but this child’s equipment would make it tough. His neat lawn will be messed up by this contraption!

As he complained I commented, “That’s just the way it is when you have kids.”  He continued to complain. Then in the nicest way possible I said, “I remember skateboard ramps that a certain kid built at our place. Their remains are still there!”  He was stunned for a while, and replied, “But not in the middle of the lawn!” “They were - until I moved them! And they made things awkward for me.” (I recall my nails, some of my best timber and some of my tools went missing. )  I could have mentioned the bare patches of ground that happened because there was a home cricket pitch on the front lawn. Or maybe I could have spoken of the holes in the hedge where kids had exuberantly gone through the hedge. …or … or…. the general stuff kids/teenagers have that muck up the normal orderly running of a house. The reality is that when you have children in your family normal life gets disturbed.  It is true in fact, that whenever you involve yourself with others, life is disturbed. 

I recall when I got married, I could not spend as much time mucking around with cars with my brothers as I did before marriage. I missed those testosterone filled nights, my wife was a hindrance to my freedom!– but there were rewards.

I remember too when our first child was born how annoying it was.  Pre-baby we could spontaneously decide to go to the films or to eat out. Now we couldn’t. 

When you care for people, or get involved with people, whether they be your wife, your children or whoever, your life will be disturbed.  If you don’t want to be disturbed stay lonely away from people.  If you want to know love, friendship or experience your own or others’ growth, you have to be prepared to be disturbed.

• ·      I can think of many people who have not got involved in serving, caring, outreach activities at the Church because they did not want their life disturbed. Life went like clockwork for them, and to be involved would mean disturbing their pattern.
• ·      I can think of people who have avoided getting involved because the people were different from them. They would only mix with people like themselves.  It disturbed them too much to meet different sorts of people.
• ·      I am essentially a shy guy and sometimes I baulk at meeting new people. I grumble about going to a function or avoid going where I have to meet others. It just seems to involve too much energy, making conversation, listening, putting myself “out there”.  (Indeed, for me one of the temptations of retirement is a tendency to become a happy hermit.)

But the thing is that when we avoid involvement with people because of the incovenience, we are the losers. Our life is lessened rather than enriched. I have so often found this. At the start of the drop-in centre on Friday nights, I often just wanted to go home. But during the night I found I enjoyed friendship and the involvement with others. When I began in chaplaincy, I was fearful. “Why put myself out there?” “Why set myself up for rejection?” But when I hung in there and got involved chaplaincy has enriched my life incredibly.

To sum up: Involvement with people costs and disturbs.

But involvement with people brings meaning, expansion and enrichment to life.  

Some photos from Waiheke Island

We are at my son's house on Waiheke Island. It is a beautiful Island 30 minutes ferry ride from the down town wharf in Auckland, New Zealand. It is part of Auckland city.  The bird life is fantastic and the weather a whole lot warmer than where we live in Dunedin. The temperatures have been like a Dunedin summer, yet in May we are well into autumn, verging on winter months. We are here to look after grand daughter number one at the time of delivery of another grandchild.  I am enjoying regular walks, catching up on the family and the scenery.  Many on the island commute to work in Auckland each day. There are a number of "rich and famous" New Zealanders with lifestyle blocks and palatial houses on the island. There are quite a number of vineyards, wineries and olive groves so it has a bit of a Mediterranean feel about it. I share some photos...

Sunrise from the village on our first day here. 

The beach down the road near a local Maori Marae (meeting grounds)  

Tree of native flowers with a Tui feasting on necter.

The passenger ferry from Auckland unloads at the terminal.

It is an island of idyllic bays.

A local beach/playground area 

A Heron??? 

Kingfisher

My very pregnant daughter in law with my oldest grandchild.

Sapphire Wedding Anniversary

May 10th 1969 (45 years ago) a 20 year old plumber married a teacher at the St Andrew Street Church of Christ. It has been an interesting old journey since then.... certainly never boring. Nobody would have guessed the paths we have taken and the adventures we have had. 

Very fortunate man.

On Sunday 27th April I spent the morning at the Central Fire Station, Dunedin. Some of the guys had decided to establish "Gold Watch", some sort of regular gathering of retired fire fighters. They were gathering for morning tea - some savouries and of course the traditional Fire Station scones. I was told I should be there. I wasn't sure I would know many of them but decided to come anyway. I knew all of them in fact and really enjoyed catching up with them. I appreciated the way I was made to feel that I had a right to be there, and was just part of the place. It is for me really special.

How we see things.

Photo by Daniel Brown.

What we value

I have had a couple of reasons to question and reflect on what we value.  The Dunedin Night Shelter Trust is very busy trying to raise money so that we can purchase the buildings we currently rent.  The number of bed nights increased by 46% last year. We have the police, social work agencies and the hospital refer people to us. We are the only providers of emergency accommodation in town. We also have transitional housing for men fresh out of prison wanting to make a change.  Our work would be much more self-sufficient, more secure and more able to develop if we owned our buildings. Because of this we have been lifting our profile, asking for donations and canvassing as many people as we can. We want to be secure in offering a roof, food and a bed to people who have run out of options in Dunedin. As I have worked on this I have encountered three things.

(a) I read that the Government subsidised a flash golf tournament run in a tourist town about three hours drive from Dunedin. The amount of money ran to around two million dollars from memory.  They have helped this event for the last three years.  We don’t receive any central government funding, though their agencies (police, hospital, mental health teams, WINZ etc.) are pleased to send people to us. I find myself wondering, ”Just a fraction of what they are giving for golf would buy our night shelter so that we can offer a refuge for people.”  What do we value?

(b) I read an article about the local SPCA .  I think they were having an influx of cats and volunteers were feeding them. I thought how they often ask for funds and seem to have no trouble getting funds.  Full of envy, I said to myself “I bet they own their facilities!”  The picture of helpless homeless animals being neglected tears at people’s heartstrings and the local SPCA can employ people, house animals and function very well with relative ease.  I admire their work and see them as a necessary part of a caring community, but why is it so hard to raise funds for homeless people?   Somehow we think that the people deserve their plight. Now I can understand why we think that, but I would strongly suggest it is never that simple. There are complex reasons why people end up homeless, and the way we live and run our community life (education, health, family life, individualism, economy) all contribute to their plight.  Whatever the causes of their homelessness, it is not entirely their fault, and as a community we need to sense the need to provide the safety net of emergency shelter. It seems to be easy to be able to do it for animals, why not people?

(c) I had the job of sending letters asking for support from Churches.  I looked up Church websites to get their contact addresses. One Church was raising two million dollars to refurbish their old church building! Now I suspect that has something to do with new regulations relating to earthquake strengthening that have come in after the Christchurch earthquake… but two million? ....What would Jesus do? Our local church is raising funds and spending millions on refurbishing their historic building. On a good Sunday 25 people might attend Church. There are two worship centres.  Again, what would Jesus do? The sad thing is that I sent out around 50 letters to Church congregations seeking some help. I may be pleasantly surprised, but I suspect that nearly all will think there are more important things to raise money for than “Emergency accommodation for people” after all, as one lady at church told me, “It’s their lifestyle choices” that cause the problem.

And Jesus wept.

Indifference, by GA Studdert Kennedy

When Jesus came to Golgotha, they hanged Him on a tree,

They drove great nails through hands and feet, and made a Calvary;

They crowned Him with a crown of thorns, red were His wounds and deep,

For those were crude and cruel days, and human flesh was cheap.

When Jesus came to Birmingham, (or Dunedin - or your town) they simply passed Him by.

They would not hurt a hair of Him, they only let Him die;

For men had grown more tender, and they would not give Him pain,

They only just passed down the street, and left Him in the rain.

Still Jesus cried, ‘Forgive them, for they know not what they do,’

And still it rained the winter rain that drenched Him through and through;

The crowds went home and left the streets without a soul to see,

And Jesus crouched against a wall, and cried for Calvary.

Easter songs....ugh!

EASTER SONGS ... UGH!

- This is where I could get crossed out of the book of life!

We were good little Christian people and attended the local Good Friday service and the Easter Sunday service. The Good Friday service was led by the Parish Council. There were readings and prayers and I appreciated them. But as I sang the songs (ones I had no doubt chosen myself in years gone by) I realised how much I had changed. At various points I had to stop singing. Here are some sample words...

"Who am I

That for my sake

My Lord should take

frail flesh and die."

----------

"Jesus, all grace supplying

turn thou thy face on me..."

"Be thou my consolation

My shield when I must die

remind me of thy passing

when my last hour draws nigh"

----------------------------

"There is a green hill far away

without a city wall,

where the dear Lord was crucified

who died to save us all."

"we believe it was for us

he hung and suffered there."

"He died that we might be forgiven

he died to make us good

he died that we might go at last to heaven

saved by his precious blood."

"There was no other good enough

to pay the price of sin

he only could unlock the gate

of heaven and let us in."

------------------

Those who have spent time in Church will know the familiar theme. One young man in my old Church used to repeat the theme like this:

1.            God’s justice says there can be no forgiveness without the spilling of blood. (Old Testament sacrificial system)

2.            There had to be a perfect offering because God's wrath demanded a perfect offering.

3.            But God loved us so much that He provided that perfect offering in the form of his divine Son who came to die as an offering in our place.

4.            Because of that we can be forgiven (if of course we believe all of the above) and God will let us go to heaven so that we get to have eternal life.

5.            That is essentially why Jesus came... to die for us so that we can go to heaven.

The hassle is I don't believe it! If it was true I would not worship a God like that. I would loathe him! I would not want to spend eternal life with him thank you very much!

Now I know that I probably have offended good Christian people and that some would say I am headed for the burning fires of hell. I will take my chances on that, I need to be honest to myself and to my experience of the sacred.  What I am saying is that I do not accept the "substitutionary" theory of the atonement that many Christian hymns, songs, liturgies and writings focus on. Secondly I do not think that Jesus' reason for being and ministering and dying was "so that we might go at last to heaven".

"Well what do you do with the Bible passages that seem to endorse the substitutionary theory of the atonement?” some would ask accusingly.

Metaphor

The story is told of the difficulty that missionaries and Bible translators had trying to translate the word “lamb” and “shepherd” in the scriptures for Eskimos who had never seen sheep or who had never known green pastures or seen shepherding.  The Bible has plenty of pictures of lamb, sheep and shepherd to explain experiences the people of Israel had with their God.  There is a sense when it comes to speaking about deep experiences in life all our language has to be metaphor.  Metaphor, however, is very much linked and tied to the culture in which we are placed. We use the familiar to explain the deep and unfamiliar.

A new experience of God

Let me tell you a story. In my last ministry there was a woman who rented a car park in the Church car park.  She ran a shop around the corner. She never looked very happy, always wore black and whenever I greeted her she tended to ignore my gesture of friendship.  The only real conversations I seemed to have with her were when she complained about some event in the car park. Though she was a good-looking woman, I pictured her as a grumpy, frosty woman.  I retired as minister and a week or so ago went to this lady’s shop with my wife to purchase some clothing for our family in Edinburgh. This woman I had seen as a “dragon” was personable, friendly, helpful and encouraging. My picture and experience of her changed dramatically. Now a similar thing happened for the early followers of Jesus.  They had known a God interpreted for them by the religious/political elite. This elite used religion to keep everyone in their place.  These elite presented a God of purity rules, who dictated who was in and who was out, who was acceptable and who did not measure up. But when they encountered Jesus they learned of a loving God like the father of the prodigal son. They now knew one who counted them all as acceptable. Their picture of God dramatically changed. Their experience of God was now a warm experience, an inclusive one, one of “Grace” ( the Apostle Paul’s favourite words) - unmerited favour.

Putting spiritual experience into words

How do you explain this to others? In their world and in their culture what metaphors communicate this deep new spiritual reality? They had in their religion a sacrificial system. Forgiveness required a price and it now felt like the price was paid! Secondly they were used to a slavery system. Slaves found freedom when someone redeemed them. They now felt free! They used these metaphors of sacrifice and redemption to explain this new spiritual experience. They were metaphors describing their religious experience. I do not believe they were ever intended to be a description of metaphysical/spiritual “deals” that God did by providing his son as a “price”.  The emperor Constantine forced the Church into drawing up definitive creeds and so these colourful metaphors began to be set in concrete as “dogma”. Once again religion was used to control people and keep them in their place. We have for centuries misread the original writings and for years distorted the picture of the God Jesus sensed a partnership with.

Why Jesus died…

·      Jesus died because his way of love and his teachings cut across the system that economically favoured their position.

·      Jesus died because the inclusiveness of his lifestyle challenged the purity system that kept everyone in their place and reinforced the elite in their position of privilege and power.

·      Jesus died because he loved so much that he did not divert from his way of love, and even symbolically challenged the forces of military power.

·      Jesus died because he was open to, and embodied the Kingdom of God (the ways and currents of God’s life)

·       When we are open to Jesus and his way, we participate in this flow of life and in scriptural terminology enter “eternal life” (a divine quality about our living) and “the Kingdom of God.” (the activity and flow of the sacred life within the world)

Much more can be written about this, but for me we discover the truth of Easter when we are open to the freedom of loving as Jesus loved. We discover the exciting freedom and life giving power found in God’s way of giving as Jesus gave.  The paradox within the way of Jesus and indeed in life; In giving we receive: In losing our lives we find them; In serving we find true greatness.