"I told you so!"

Something light hearted that I thought of as I was drying my left knee after my shower this morning, and thought I'd share with you.

Some years ago I bought a bargain at a second hand shop down the road from my office. It was a little electric whipper snapper weed eater for $15! The sort that has a cord that whips around at speed cutting the long grass. When I got it home it went well, though probably not as good as it did when it was new. The guard was a nuisance though and I thought made it difficult to use and detracted from its performance. I took it off. My wife complained and warned me of dire consequences of removing guards from such tools. "They are there for a reason!" she insisted. "What could I hurt?" I reasoned, "The worst case scenario would be some damage to my shoes!"

Well on Monday I had the aforementioned bargain out the back and had been using it. At one stage I picked it up from where I had left it lying to move it and other tools out of the way of my digging. I had shorts on. As I moved it, grasping it and the handles of several tools in my hand, my fingers hit the trigger and the whipper snapper burst into life with the string slashing round and round on my leg just below my knee. It drew a little blood, but apart from a number of red welts across my skin, did no real damage. But boy did it sting! It was the kind of pain that just kept going long after the event. I was doubled over in the grass saying some very unchristian words. I then went sheepishly down to my wife and we fished out some cream to put on the wounds. Being basically an understanding lady, she resisted the temptation to say "I told you so!" but she did nod her head sideways.

Lessons from bouts of depression.

I have had friends commit suicide. In my job with emergency services I hear about suicides quite often. They are always tragic. Always too, people will say, "Why did they do it? Why didn't they talk to someone?" Well I am not planning on committing suicide, but I do know that sometimes it can be very hard talking to someone.

J B Phillips, a well known Christian writer and scholar who informed and inspired many people had a problem with depression. I remember in one of his books he wrote that "he descended into a black hole of depression" from time to time. Well I am not a J B Phillips, but this happens to me, perhaps not to the same extent. There are all sorts of reasons for it I think. I think I have a deep sense of purpose and "calling" therefore have high expectations of myself and others. M Scott Peck and other counsellors say that often depression is anger turned inward. I think often I am angry at the disappointments of life and ministry and turn that anger inward. I also avoid confrontation, therefore do not readily and constructively express my disappointments. Any way for whatever reason I "descend into a black hole of depression". Oddly enough I think its that deep sense of purpose that keeps me going and pulls me through, though there is a sense in which I live with some sense of sadness all the time. The last couple of weeks have been like that. But talking about it is hard and I have learned lessons from the experience.

People say of suicide victims, "Why didn't he talk?" but here is my experience of trying to talk.

First people are too busy to talk. People are busy with their own work life and family life and when you want someone to listen, they are just not always available. There are a whole lot of legitimate calls on their time. How often, I wonder, have I been too busy to listen to others?

Second, often when you begin to talk, people are wrapped up in their own life and just want to talk about that. I had a friend call in at the office. I began to share with them some of what I was going through, and all they talked about was an upcoming holiday. (Oh I wish I could have a holiday!) You soon realise its a waste of time sharing. I know I have done that to others too.

Thirdly, often people who are with you are not present. Something else is going on in their lives and while they are happy to be with you, they are in a sense, not really with you. You can begin talking, but sense it has drifted past their head somewhere and you soon shut up. They are in their own world.

Fourthly, people rush to tell you a solution to your problem, even before they have truly heard you. This is often said to be a male way of dealing with things, but I have found it often in women. I think it happens when women have been mothering, they can treat you like a child and tell you what to do. 

Fifthly, lack of empathy.  People do not listen long enough to see the issues from the speakers point of view. I often feel this way. Because my issues stem from my job and "calling" people often do not have the same passion I have and don't "see" the thing from my perspective. It is important that we stop and listen long enough to see it from the speaker's perspective. One of the things that happens when people respond and show that they have not heard it from your point of view, is that when you leave, you feel even more lonely than before you started to talk.

I have erred in my ministry and work in all of the five ways I have experienced and listed off above. 

I have learned to cope with my depressions largely alone. I go dig the garden or walk in the bush. I have also learned to dig deep and just keep going, till I surface again. I have been hurt by people I have trusted and opened up to, so tend these days to be very cautious. As I dug the garden today, I was reflecting on my current struggles, and was reminded of the above lessons.

Photos: Today I spent three and a half hours digging in the garden and planting four rows of potatoes. After lunch I went to my daughter's house and with them pulled out an old kitchen sink unit and then fitted in and plumbed a new one and a dishwasher. It took about six and a half hours all told. It has been a good day, just physical work with the instant reward of work well done.

Neat gesture....

This morning I felt like a square peg in a round hole again. I talked about the scripture passage, but knew that most of my listeners would not understand.. they have been "Christians" for years, but I was talking about "following Jesus". At lunch my wife and I were talking about two friends we have through Habitat for Humanity. Both volunteer in the community, (Hospice, Habitat etc.) both are really loving people but both have given up attending church. As far as the "movement" and "spirit" of Jesus, both have latched on to it, but they do fit in church. In my view many of my church people on the other hand, have no idea of the "movement" or "spirit" even though (or maybe "because") they have attended church for years. Never mind, enough negativity.  I know I am a bit eccentric, but it is a very lonely journey at the moment with few people who understand where I bounce from.

At the Habitat site yesterday something really neat happened. Christine, is Maori, a mother of ten children, in a long term relationship with her partner. We are building the house with her and her family. She has been a smoker and has been talking about giving it up. On Saturday morning she announced that she was now a non-smoker. She had not had a smoke for 3 days. 

Don is a christian retired carpenter now in his eighties but very fit. He was working on site and heard of this change in Christine's life. He is relatively quiet, but loves a bit of joking from time to time. At 12 midday each Saturday he knocks off and goes home to have lunch with his wife. When he returned yesterday the rest of us were still sitting around finishing our lunchtime cup of tea. He came into the group with a beautifully prepared bunch of flowers and presented them to Christine, saying "This is just to congratulate the new non-smoker in our midst." It was sooo neat. I was thinking too that probably Don would not have had much to do with the Christine's of this world. He is a different generation, white and middle class. But because of Habitat they get to know each other, appreciate each other and enjoy their time together. It is really so good for them, for the community and for the climate of our society. 

Superficial, pragmatic thinking leads us astray.

As I think about Habitat for Humanity and Church I find myself frustrated time and again by superficial pragmatic thinking. Now don't get me wrong, I am a practical activist type person, but my beef is that our practice must be motivated by basic values and principles and express these. What I find in many situations is that our practice drifts off the basic values we say we espouse by on the spot, superficial reactions to circumstances.

I am out of sorts with Habitat for Humanity. When I began there was a much more generous approach toward home owners, a much more relational attitude and a "warmth" about the "spirit" of the movement. Now I feel I cannot promote it as whole heartedly. Over the years, locally, nationally and internationally it has changed to "house projects" orientated and I am not sure the poor are treated with as much dignity. There are endless forms, and contracts and rules and manuals, all evolved out of responses to situations, but in the process I believe, they have lost touch with the loving principles which are meant to be at the heart of the operation. The late Millard Fuller, the founder of Habitat, was reported to have said of the current trend, "It is now run by bean counters with no faith." That's my summing up. Somehow the "spirit" has got lost, and we have "projects" and "human resources", not people, home owners and workmates.

I know the same happens in church circles. If you run a church planning day the questions asked are, "What do people like?" or often, "What do I enjoy? Now is my chance to tell them what I want!" Very few ask the prior question, "What can we do in this community to express the heart, mind and movement of Jesus?" (I used to be very hot on Church planning days... now I consider them a waste of time) The church has over the centuries, by such superficial leadership drifted off from the directions and spirit of its founder. I see this in Church official boards. They will respond to things pragmatically and often with very "secular" thinking. They will not ask the deeper theological questions. They will rip into projects that give the illusion of "progress" but really are a superficial response to circumstances, and the deeper questions or principles are not applied. We have churches which try to please people, but are not asking or listening to what Jesus would want his people to be doing in the world today. Even if the right questions are being asked, few willing to jump out of traditional ruts and do church in a different way... its just not pragmatic, it's too costly.

It has happened in the Inter-church Trade and Industry Mission movement at various times. There has been a tendency to respond in pragmatic ways to the world about us, and in the process lose touch with the "Spiritual" - "love" base. It has happened with groups like the YMCA. A number of years ago I attended what was then the YMCA gym. Various weight lifters would bring boom boxes with music to help motivate them in their training. A pastor I knew, a very good weight lifter, brought his music along. They were christian worship songs. He was asked not to bring them because they might cause offence to others. (He did not have it as loud as others had theirs) This is in what was officially still called the Young Men's Christian Association.

It happens in Governments. Our current government is rewriting education policy. Lets spend our money on "reading, writing and maths". Other subjects are being neglected. But in my experience as an individual and as a parent, "reading writing and maths" were boring and irrelevant as stand alone subjects. It was when I was exploring interesting stuff like science and the issues of real world that I lived in that reading, writing and maths came alive. And there are deeper skills in life to master which need to be a part of learning. Another example is that Governments look at economic efficiency. They think "economics" and make pragmatic decisions on that basis, without really asking "What is this doing long term for the wholeness and well being of people?" It may look efficient, but is it wholesome? The struggles mental health patients have is a result of this superficial thinking.

One of the reasons we don't do it is time. We don't want to take the time to think deeply about things. We rush from one issue to the next with our eyes on the clock.

Steve Covey in his books (7 Habits and Principle Centred Leadership) makes the case for firmly establishing the values we base our life on. (Or the values we base our organisation on) Then making sure in our spending of time, resources and energy that we are in fact expressing those values in a consistent way. At the moment I am feeling that "the Church" and Habitat for Humanity are not doing that consistently.

Life is tough in October

I think as long as I can remember by October each year I am finding keeping going really hard. Often that is when I get a dose of flu or sore throats or something. This year it has been really difficult.
Church Scene
I struggle to fit into the church scene any more and find getting up in front of everybody on a Sunday increasingly hard. I have all sorts of people expressing their divergent opinions on how church should go, and I don't ever get to do what I really would want to do. It feels like I just entertain some of the people each Sunday, but as far as progress is concerned, I see little of it. It simply is that my understanding of following Jesus is a long way from the traditional Christianity model. Early this week I have been really depressed, like REALLY depressed about the whole scene. The solution it seemed to me was to find some way out of it. But what that way could be, I struggle to see. I looked under the jobs in the Wednesday paper today and found only one I would have the remotest chance with..... a social worker in the Pitcairn Islands. (Where there has been all sorts of trouble for incestuous and under age sex!!! ... yeah right!)

Having said that, I was sitting in our Space2B area at church and people kept coming in and sitting talking. A lot of sensible discussion. A lot of warmth and personal connection. I got to listening deeply to one of my fire fighters who called in to tell me his predicament. Another lady called who had contact through our Christmas dinners. She wanted to ask about our church, she was impressed with its reputation for being involved in and in touch with the community. I was encouraged, it was beginning to work as I envisaged and I talked with a colleague about future possibilities.... but it just looks and feels like a hell of a lot of work... and I don't know if I can hack it any more. The road looks too long.

Habitat for Humanity

I have been involved with Habitat for Humanity since it began in Dunedin in 1995. I have been a Director and/or on the promotions committee. I have been a natural contact point for people in the town. But it has not felt like fun for a while. Tonight was the Annual General Meeting and I let it be known that I am not standing for directorship or any committees any more. I think people wondered why but I kept my silence. There are two reasons.
(1) There are changes afoot trying to bring every affiliate into line. I am not happy with that because I feel each affiliate must respond to its community and each has its own set of resources. When I started Habitat we were meant to be autonomous and the pricing system was much more generous. I have battled changes or questioned changes and have been made to feel like an old fool who can't update. I can't be bothered with the battle any more. They can do their thing.

(2) I have got out because people kept "dumping on me". It seemed like if anyone in the organisation could not do a job they would ring me up. On the promotions committee we got doing stuff that was a way wider than the "promotions" portfolio. They kept shoving stuff our way. I have been on the building committee this year. I am an ex-plumber (very ex!) and a church minister. But I have ended up being foreman on the job, getting materials and stuff... I am NOT a carpenter. It stresses me out doing it even though I think I do a reasonable job. I seem to feel responsible for things when others don't. So I decided to draw a line in the sand and opt out. I'll still bang in nails, at least for this house.

Anyway that's me. Still feel like shit. But I am cranking up for Sunday.

What difference do I make?

Sometimes I need to think about and affirm that I do make a difference. When I first met the man in the photo above he would come to our drop-in centre and sit in the corner by the pool table with his hat pulled down over his eyes, not saying boo to a goose, just watching games of pool. One night I went over and asked if he wanted a game. We played in silence. The weeks went by and we always made time to have games. Slowly he told me his name. Then I learned where he worked. Then I learned a bit about where he lived. After heaps and heaps of pool games he cycled out to our Ocean Grove group. He started attending church. He came to the walking group. 

Now he comes to the drop-in centre early and helps prepare for the night. Now he comes to the church early and gets the coffee machine and urn going. He wanders around doing odd jobs before church. After church he looks after the doors and I get told off if I interfere. He enjoys the children and they enjoy him. He jokes with people and cares for people. He is a loved member of the church family and doing things in the community. We have been there with him through two redundancies, his dad's death and some illnesses. He still sometimes makes me mad with some of his comments, but he is miles different than he was when we first met. He simply is in a different place, and I helped that happen. Sometimes I make a difference. 

I survived a week of batching!

A week alone

You will be happy to know that I survived a week of my cooking! I think I put on weight though. I had a little hassle with the animals. One goat is attached to a pallet and she knows that if she takes a run she can get the pallet moving around the paddock. It is so funny to watch, so purposefully carried out. If she gets it sliding across the grass and keeps it moving she can go quite a distance. It does mean she cant climb through fences, which goats seem to have a real knack of doing. It all puts a strain on her collar and her rope. She broke her collar on Friday so on Saturday morning I had to lure her into her shed and put on a new one. A poor hen however, did not survive the week. She was old and I found her dead on Saturday morning. Why she chose to die on my watch I'll never know! I was doing everything right and not once did I threaten them with the pot! 

Plumbing woes.

I had some plumbing battles. I bought a new kitchen tap, lever action thingy with a fancy new system. Last Monday I installed it doing everything right, put a filter on the line and flushed the pipes. When my wife came home I was going to have a new tap for her. By mis week it had started to dribble. I pulled it off and fiddled and put it back on twice, but still didn't fix it. I ended up on Saturday morning before going to Habitat re-installing the old tap with a new washer. That was my first plumbing woe.

The second was just discomfort. I crawled under the church to put a gate valve so we could isolate the kitchen water supply.  As soon as I cut the old pipe a flood of memories came back. I recalled lying in dirty dust under many floors. You are cramped up hurting and cutting the pipe with short strokes of the hacksaw because you cant move much. When you first make a hole in the pipe you feel the water run down your hand, down your arm right up to your shoulder. It is uncomfortable, the dust turns to mud and you cannot do anything about it. You just have to grin and bear it. Then you complete the task as quickly as possible and make your way out, gathering more dirt on your person as you go. I was pleased my old skills had not left me and I could install the valve quickly and without leaks, but my ribs hurt all the next day. 

Drop-in centre woes

I don't know if it was the moon or what, but a few people at the drop-in seemed to want to bicker at each other all night. At one stage when a fight loomed, and two people were glaring at each other waiting for me to adjudicate, all I could think of to say was, "Sometime it feels like I am running a kindergarten up here!" They separated and went away sulking. 

Privilege...

Balancing that experience was the privilege of being allowed into peoples lives. In chaplaincy and at the drop-in some nice conversations gave me that sense of privilege. People seemed to appreciate sharing their journey, good and bad, with me. 

Companionship...

I talked with one elderly man. He has had a much younger woman who has been a "special friend" for him in his later life as a widower. He now thought that she was moving on to be a special friend to a much younger man, and he was hurting. In his hurt he said, "Companionship.... its pretty important in life you know." I agree.

Photo: Some members of the church walking group in the Botanical Gardens on Wednesday.