Monday miracles...

I have had quite a good day off. 

2 incident free WOF's

In NZ you have to get a Warrant of Fitness for your vehicle every 6 months. You take it to a garage or testing station and they check tyres, brakes and countless other safety things about the car. (The list keeps getting longer) I have a 1989 van and a 1990 car. Every time I send them for a warrant I get nervous. How many things will need fixing? What is it going to cost me? Well last Thursday the van got a warrant, the only thing the mechanic did was fill up the windscreen washer bottle. And today, "Wanda" my old Nissan Bluebird, got an incident free warrant of Fitness. Relief!

Christmas Day dinner meat...

The main reason I feel good about today is that we called at Marlow Pies to ask if they would cook the meat for our Community Christmas Day dinner. They have in the past. It is THE major item in the Christmas day meal. There are at least 25 legs of hogget (year old sheep) to be cooked. I HATE asking people for free favours. I had tried to email them through their website but I thought it had not gone. In fear and trepidation I went into their store today and asked. "Oh!" the lady said, "You're the Christmas Dinner man! Sorry I didn't reply to your email, that will be fine. We'll do it!" I hope she saw the happiness, relief and gratitude in my face. I just said, "Thank you, it means a lot to us." I am thankful that these people are prepared to get up early on Christmas day morning, go down to their factory and turn their ovens on. Many people would not be as generous, and they have done it for us for a few years now. I was so relieved I felt like celebrating... I had savaloys for lunch in celebration. :-)

Skin is marvellous..

Last Friday I cut my finger with my pocket knife. It was quite a deep cut. For a week I have had to wear a bandage, and it bled every now and then for the first couple of days. But today I went bandage free and it is virtually healed. How great is that? The other thing that astounded me is that I put a substantial sticking plaster on it every day. But each day by the end of the day, just through use of the finger the plaster was very dirty, worn and tattered. I could not help but think that my skin puts up with that sort of punishment day in and day out and doesn't fall to pieces. That's pretty tough stuff! :-)

Gardening...

Even though the wind was cool I had an hour or so in the garden. Quietly on hands and knees I planted sixteen plants. (2 types of lettuce, Chinese cabbage and parsley) I worked into the soil lovely horse poo I bought from horse lovers down the road. It is so relaxing having time to work the soil again, it does something for the soul. :-)

Evaluations positive...

I facilitated a Professional Development day for fellow chaplains Friday week ago. I felt good doing it, it was "me" at my best, using my gifts. I looked at the evaluation forms from the chaplains on Friday and they were glowing in their response..... nice warm confidence booster for a very insecure 61 year old.

Mountain meander...

I finished the day with a nice walk up the Organ Pipe Track up Mount Cargill which over looks Dunedin. "My Mountain". I took Max our old dog who puffed away there, but seemed to enjoy it. It was a nice evening for walking. A bit of wind in exposed places, but the bush walk up there is so refreshing.

Life was good today!

Photos.

(1) Max our old somewhat neglected dog... still loves me. I am astounded, he seems to understand what you say and talks when he looks at you. When I come to a fork in the pathway, he looks one way then the other, then looks at me as if to say, "Which way boss?"

(2) A hazy view of the country side from about halfway up.

(3) Looking like some kind of Biblical altar, a plinth at the top of the mountain has a brass plaque on it pointing out local high points. Unfortunately some twit has plastered graffiti all over it.

 

Love is weird...

"I love these people, you know?"

I was at the drop-in centre on Friday night. I was being ear bashed by Paul. Aussie was giving me heaps of cheek. Jennifer looked pleased to be back. Grace thought I'd stolen her purse. Nick was asking me to make more drink. Dave was late and wanted more sausages. Saraya was grizzly and Summer was noisy. It was a normal drop-in night. My friend Noel does endless sink loads of dishes. He was sitting having a brief break when I plonked myself down beside him. I surveyed the room, with all of its activities and conversations and all I could say was, "I love these people, you know?" These words were my own funny surprised reaction that named the feelings going through my "body". I was surprised by the depth of my feeling at that point of time. Often they drive me mad. Often they annoy the hell out of me, but all I could feel as I watched them was a deep sense of connection ... with this weird mob??? Where did that come from? Love IS weird.... I often find that.

The new Kitchen is in...

The church has refurbished its kitchen. Some women felt that it was old and not a good look for outside groups. I didn't think it was too bad, but the decision was made to do it. We got some grants for some of the cost. It will cost in excess of $20,000, I have lost count. We still have not got it up to commercial standard unfortunately. All I feel as I think about the money involved is that we really need to make sure it serves the needs of people in the community. Good stewardship demands that we use it well. 

Nearly Cremated Swearing Parson...

On Monday I went with a guy from Church to level the floor under the Church kitchen. The piles were not reaching the floor bearers any more so we had decided to pack the piles before they brought the new benches in. I went under and Curly (a friend and church elder) had a halogen lamp going so we could see what we were doing. I was working away on the pile when Curly shouted, "You're burning! Your back is smoking!" The heat from the lamp behind me was burning my overalls, probably just singing off the dust and dirt, but it was quite hot. I rolled in the dust to make sure any burning was smothered and readjusted my position. Curly got the giggles about a smoking parson. A little later I had a chisel and was chipping away at plaster on a pile. All of a sudden there was a loud explosion and the lamp behind me went out. A chip of plaster must have landed on the unprotected bulb. I was so surprised by the noise that I let out a loud "Shit!". Curly was as calm as ever... "Oh," he said, "Now you've bust my light." It wasn't till later that I thought that there could easily have been one of my lady church members up stairs who may not have been amused with the minister's voice yelling expletives from under the Church floor. I had a head lamp on so we completed the task with that.

Dig in and keep going...

Building a Habitat house is fun and has a lot of positive experiences. But we have been going since late May on this house and at this stage the novelty of getting up on Saturday morning and working is wearing thin. I drove to the site looking with envy at the people going for leisurely Saturday morning bike rides, or sitting on their deck drinking coffee and reading the paper, or jogging around the park as I drove passed. I had the blues badly. Once I got there and was working, relating and joking I was OK. I know that if we keep going very soon we'll have the joy of seeing another family housed. That will blot out the weariness of the present Saturday blues.

Photo: Excess wall board being loaded at the Habitat site. That's me in the greenish overalls, I do look tired don't I?

Good things happen...

Since I often grump about my lot I thought I should tell you about some good things....

Billy Elliot... At Church every now and then we have "Movies with meaning". We show a movie and then have a brief discussion about it afterward. Last night we watched "Billy Elliot". It was probably the fourth time I have seen the movie and I loved it to bits. Billy lives in a coal mining town in England and grows to love ballet, which is a choice not approved of, for a boy, in this tough mining community. His dead mum had left him a letter saying, "Always be yourself." It's a great story... He describes his feeling when he's dancing as  "... Sorta feels good. . Sorta stiff and that, but once I get going... then I like, forget everything. And ... sorta disappear...... I've got this fire in my body. I'm just there. Flyin' like a bird. Like electricity. Yeah, like electricity."  ... I am so lucky because just sometimes in my work I feel like that. Facilitating the chaplains' training day, leading a funeral, playing soccer with "excluded" people, sometimes leading a service, being "with" people in life ... sometimes its "like electricity".... but other times...what a mixed up guy I am??? 

Race Horses... One of the guys watching the film with us was an ex- firefighter who I have had reason to keep in touch with, and who is getting more and more involved in our church life. He trains race horses. He is so keen to take me out to experience the horses and his love of horses. Next week we hope to make a date. So nice to be wanted.

Confession.... Quite some time ago on an evening when my wife and I were away from the Drop-in centre, we had a vacuum cleaner stolen from the church on the drop-in night. We had no idea who it was. There is a man who is now a regular at the drop-in who I have spent quite a bit of time with lately. He called at the church over lunch hour and asked for me. I was unavailable so he took my wife aside. He told her that it was him who had stolen the vacuum, he was deeply sorry, could he return it and would we forgive him. He asked if I would call at his place later that day and pick it up. I did, and spent time talking with him in the car coming back to town. His last words were, "Do you forgive me?" "Amen" I replied. I thought it was a very brave thing to do to own up to it. It is all a part of him sorting his life out. My heart was warmed.

In tune donation... With Habitat for Humanity we are building a house with a Maori family with ten children. They are simply nice people, who are involved on a voluntary basis, supporting women's refuge. The mum, Christine, had been talking with us and caught up on the fact that we run a drop-in centre. They get excess food donated for the refuge from time to time. Out of the blue at 6p.m. tonight there was a bang on my outside office door. Here was Christine with a great stack of food, extra to their needs, "for youse guys and your drop-in". It was such a boost, not just because of the value of the gift, but the sense of them being "in tune" with what we do...a sense of being partners together in caring in our community. Loved it.

Lord, help me "count my blessings".... Amen to that.

Photo: Christine building her house.

  

I do work sometimes..

I thought I'd include the photo above to show that I do do some work from time to time. This is me putting up part of the ceiling on the Habitat house. The guy watching me is virtually totally deaf. He has a friend who comes who is totally deaf. It is extremely hard explaining work to them, but they are cheerful and seem to love getting into the project. They leave each Saturday with handshakes, thumbs up signs all around and big grins on their faces. I am sure I would be real grumpy if I was deaf! 

Not bad at week's end...

Wednesday was a "people day"

On Wednesday morning I walked with the Church walking group. They are so slow! I kept company with this one guy I introduced to the group, who ear bashes me all the time. It was a tough morning. At lunch time at "Space2b" I shared with people from various countries, we ate Indian food and chatted. I spent a good part of the afternoon chatting with some Indian people. It expanded my horizons, they were delightful company, but I had heaps of other stuff I should have been doing!

Soccer is still good.

I went to soccer on Thursday. We are sending a team away to a Street Footy Festival in two weeks time. I watched the team on Thursday morning. There are some real characters in it, they will give it their best shot. They have trouble with controlling the ball though and could do with passing it more often, but maybe their competition won't be any better. I enjoy playing with them, and they seem to enjoy my involvement. Some of them are now playing softball on Saturdays and they come to me and say, "Why aren't you there?" I never thought I'd be playing weekly soccer at 61 years of age!

In the "facilitator Groove"

On Friday I led a Professional Development Day for the Workplace Support chaplains for Otago and Southland. I led it on "Diversity". I put a tremendous amount of thought into the subject for the last few months, just stewing every now and then on what direction to take. On the day I got there later than I had hoped, (too many interruptions) and I did not use all the multi-media technology I had hoped to use because I had too much material for the time, but I was good! I loved the exercise of slowly leading people on a journey of thought and discovery, with a mixture of thinking, discussion and different sorts of worship activity. I love bouncing ideas around with people, sharing experiences and thoughts and especially loved the positive feedback. I would probably do things a bit differently next time, you learn as you go. I really enjoy this sort of work. It is right where I am with the gifts I have. If I could find a job doing just that I'd be in heaven. I found it intriguing that a couple of people came up to me during the day and suggested I should write a book. I realised that with the training I have received, on-going reading and thinking, the variety of experiences and the years of involvement with people, I have gathered quite a bit of knowledge, discernment and wisdom. That's not being big headed, its just that my journey has taught me heaps. It was good on Friday to be able to share some of that and design a program to help people expand their thinking. I'll await the official evaluation forms though... but I think I did OK.

Nice to be needed

Twice in the last two weeks guys from my chaplaincy have called at the church just wanting to tell me what they are going through. They did not want solutions, help or advice, they just wanted me to know what they were facing. It was like they considered me their friend and I should know. I felt honoured.  There have been some similar conversations on chaplaincy sites also. It is so nice to be seen as an important presence in their lives.  May be I make a difference just by being there? 

Drop-in Centre

On the surface it looked like just a normal drop-in centre night. There was one little tiff where he owed him some money and they were bitching at each other. But it was the quiet friendly conversations that made me feel it was worth it. Two examples are ...  Two guys I support in the soccer team talked in a warm friendly way. A Maori mental health patient I have known for years told me how he was, and how life was going for him, like we were old friends. Others made sure they said thanks as they went out the door and said goodbye. I finished the night feeling like the personal connections were important and that again, my presence in their life was doing something vital for them. By Friday night I was exhausted, but in a funny way, satisfied. 

Foreman again...

To all intents and purposes I was foreman on the Habitat site again. It is so frustrating. You wander around desperately trying to answer questions and guide people, but also trying to do your own project. You get interrupted again and again, and you feel responsible for how much gets done for the day. I resigned from the Board and committees, it seems like they just assume I will carry on. I think I am good at it. I make people feel at ease. I meet people where they are at and help them achieve things they thought they couldn't do. But I worked under pressure essentially eight hours at Habitat on Saturday and I lost sleep on Friday night thinking of stuff for the morning. I was absolutely exhausted and because of that I feel I short changed the congregation on Sunday. I had a careless, "that will have to do" attitude toward today's worship service, which I usually do not have. If I did not feel so responsible for the family, and want desperately to get them into the house before Christmas, I would officially hand in my container and house keys, and take a Saturday or two off so they get the message that they should not rely on me. I repeat... I am NOT a carpenter! But I think I would have been a good one. :-)

Conclusion...

I started the week feeling depressed. I end the week still with a down sort of feeling, but knowing that in the midst of life I am making a difference. I find that with my depressions. If I hang in there and keep being involved with people, I begin to see light at the end of the tunnel. Its like you are sinking in quick sand and you don't know where the bottom is. If you keep going doing what you think you ought to do, you begin to feel some solid ground under your feet. You're still in mud, but you know that it won't take you further down. Jesus was right, "If you lose your life, you find it!" But its not all that easy all the time.

"I told you so!"

Something light hearted that I thought of as I was drying my left knee after my shower this morning, and thought I'd share with you.

Some years ago I bought a bargain at a second hand shop down the road from my office. It was a little electric whipper snapper weed eater for $15! The sort that has a cord that whips around at speed cutting the long grass. When I got it home it went well, though probably not as good as it did when it was new. The guard was a nuisance though and I thought made it difficult to use and detracted from its performance. I took it off. My wife complained and warned me of dire consequences of removing guards from such tools. "They are there for a reason!" she insisted. "What could I hurt?" I reasoned, "The worst case scenario would be some damage to my shoes!"

Well on Monday I had the aforementioned bargain out the back and had been using it. At one stage I picked it up from where I had left it lying to move it and other tools out of the way of my digging. I had shorts on. As I moved it, grasping it and the handles of several tools in my hand, my fingers hit the trigger and the whipper snapper burst into life with the string slashing round and round on my leg just below my knee. It drew a little blood, but apart from a number of red welts across my skin, did no real damage. But boy did it sting! It was the kind of pain that just kept going long after the event. I was doubled over in the grass saying some very unchristian words. I then went sheepishly down to my wife and we fished out some cream to put on the wounds. Being basically an understanding lady, she resisted the temptation to say "I told you so!" but she did nod her head sideways.

Lessons from bouts of depression.

I have had friends commit suicide. In my job with emergency services I hear about suicides quite often. They are always tragic. Always too, people will say, "Why did they do it? Why didn't they talk to someone?" Well I am not planning on committing suicide, but I do know that sometimes it can be very hard talking to someone.

J B Phillips, a well known Christian writer and scholar who informed and inspired many people had a problem with depression. I remember in one of his books he wrote that "he descended into a black hole of depression" from time to time. Well I am not a J B Phillips, but this happens to me, perhaps not to the same extent. There are all sorts of reasons for it I think. I think I have a deep sense of purpose and "calling" therefore have high expectations of myself and others. M Scott Peck and other counsellors say that often depression is anger turned inward. I think often I am angry at the disappointments of life and ministry and turn that anger inward. I also avoid confrontation, therefore do not readily and constructively express my disappointments. Any way for whatever reason I "descend into a black hole of depression". Oddly enough I think its that deep sense of purpose that keeps me going and pulls me through, though there is a sense in which I live with some sense of sadness all the time. The last couple of weeks have been like that. But talking about it is hard and I have learned lessons from the experience.

People say of suicide victims, "Why didn't he talk?" but here is my experience of trying to talk.

First people are too busy to talk. People are busy with their own work life and family life and when you want someone to listen, they are just not always available. There are a whole lot of legitimate calls on their time. How often, I wonder, have I been too busy to listen to others?

Second, often when you begin to talk, people are wrapped up in their own life and just want to talk about that. I had a friend call in at the office. I began to share with them some of what I was going through, and all they talked about was an upcoming holiday. (Oh I wish I could have a holiday!) You soon realise its a waste of time sharing. I know I have done that to others too.

Thirdly, often people who are with you are not present. Something else is going on in their lives and while they are happy to be with you, they are in a sense, not really with you. You can begin talking, but sense it has drifted past their head somewhere and you soon shut up. They are in their own world.

Fourthly, people rush to tell you a solution to your problem, even before they have truly heard you. This is often said to be a male way of dealing with things, but I have found it often in women. I think it happens when women have been mothering, they can treat you like a child and tell you what to do. 

Fifthly, lack of empathy.  People do not listen long enough to see the issues from the speakers point of view. I often feel this way. Because my issues stem from my job and "calling" people often do not have the same passion I have and don't "see" the thing from my perspective. It is important that we stop and listen long enough to see it from the speaker's perspective. One of the things that happens when people respond and show that they have not heard it from your point of view, is that when you leave, you feel even more lonely than before you started to talk.

I have erred in my ministry and work in all of the five ways I have experienced and listed off above. 

I have learned to cope with my depressions largely alone. I go dig the garden or walk in the bush. I have also learned to dig deep and just keep going, till I surface again. I have been hurt by people I have trusted and opened up to, so tend these days to be very cautious. As I dug the garden today, I was reflecting on my current struggles, and was reminded of the above lessons.

Photos: Today I spent three and a half hours digging in the garden and planting four rows of potatoes. After lunch I went to my daughter's house and with them pulled out an old kitchen sink unit and then fitted in and plumbed a new one and a dishwasher. It took about six and a half hours all told. It has been a good day, just physical work with the instant reward of work well done.