Greedy people!

Tonight we would have had over fifty people through the drop-in centre. We were lucky because we got given a whole lot of food, so there were pies, and savouries, and fish cakes etc. along with the normal filled rolls. We divide the food onto saucers so that people get half a pie, and half a savoury scone and half a croissant etc. and the food is placed on the table tennis table in front of the entry door. I noticed people were doubling up on everything and worried that there may be some who would not receive anything. Tonight there was plenty, but some who arrived 10 minutes late missed out on the first course of food. I watched these greedy people piling up their plates with food, grabbing double helpings almost like hungry growling dogs, with no thought about others who might go without. Our lovely elder said to one particularly repulsive woman with an attitude, "You'll never eat all that?" "Yes I will!" she said as she demanded more of what he was dishing out. I checked later and she did indeed throw some of it out. I found myself getting angry at the selfish greed on display, and the "couldn't care less" attitude toward others' needs. It looked repulsive, not a pretty side of human nature.
 As I played table tennis later I could not help thinking it was a microcosm of what happens in the big wide world. The greedy rich nations madly consume the world's resources at a rate that endangers the environment. Others struggle with few resources while rich nations waste so much. These people in the Drop-in were behaving no worse than the rich nations of the world. And it does look gross.

Mid week sound off!

Still sick!
It is now Wednesday and I am still not fit to be in public! I have improved dramatically but am still coughing and spluttering. I have been tidying my study at home and sucking appropriate medications. I have gone to bed to rest, sermonise and do some thinking... but first a bits and pieces sound off.
No women bishops!
At breakfast I read a report about the Church of England decision not to have women Bishops. I also have a Catholic friend who tells me they have been told to use the older version of the Lord's Prayer in their worship locally.  REALLY?! There are all sorts of issues in the world that demand attention. There are incredible needs throughout the world and even here in New Zealand! In the midst of this world it seems absolutely incongruous that "God's people" are still arguing about women in leadership and wording niceties of worship! GET REAL! When is Churchianity going to die the death it deserves?
My brother in trouble.
My older brother is a Church minister in Melbourne, Australia. He just visited NZ recently and I had coffee with him. On Sunday he was working on top of a ladder at his place, two floors up, and he fell. Now he is in hospital struggling with his injuries, needing lots of surgery and really battling for his life. I have been watching facebook where my niece keeps us up to date. Part of me wishes I could hop a plane and be there. It brings to vivid memory the time in the late 70's when he had a car accident and was expected to die. It is strange, at a time like this many of the things in life we think are so important are revealed to be not so important after all. 
Winding down? Or changing gear?
I have taken the opportunity while being stuck at home with illness to tidy some stuff in my study. Ministers keep stuff. We will keep articles, leaflets, poems and other resources for some future time when we might need them. As I have been sorting stuff I have come across such little gems. Now, however, I realise that most of them I will never use.  I have only a year to go until retirement and I look at the shelves of precious books and other resources in my study and I think, "Most of this I could chuck now!" I am never likely to use it.  Apart from anything else, I have changed and grown beyond the thinking I once thought relevant.
A basis for peace.
TV in NZ is rubbish with very little worth watching. I sometimes take off and watch a TED talk or search a name worth listening to on YouTube. Among other speakers last night I listened to Tom Harpur. He suggested two legs to stand on in the search for World Peace that could be accepted by people of all religions. A Global Ethic;  The Golden Rule - Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And then to enable us to have the power to follow the Ethic he suggested a global metaphysic: In the heart of each human lies the divine. That is a way of looking at each other which sees the other as the dwelling place of God. Last Sunday I played a video that gave Hindu teaching in Church. I love the basic concept of "Namaste". Fancy that, teaching another religion in Church and I have not got fired? I am exploring further inclusive ethical/spirituality based thinking.
Helpful hint for Catheter bag wearers.
From the sublime to the very practical. Wednesday is the day I change my catheter bag that is strapped to my leg. It has button holes in it through which buttons on the leg straps go to hold the bag in place. When I looked at my first bag I thought these button holes looked flimsy and sure enough in the first day or so one of them split. It is bad enough wearing a bag and all the time wondering if something embarrassing will go wrong. It knocks your confidence when you are out and about to feel that your bag is fragile. Now before I put a new bag on I strengthen the button holes with duck tape. A boring bit of knowledge but so handy if you are unfortunate enough to wear one of these contraptions and want to still be active.  So far the only embarrassing thing for me (apart from going for runs in long pants) happened last Saturday when I was clambering under the Church floor. Somehow the little tap that empties the bag got switched to "open" and as I crawled out I discovered a wet shoe and sock! I was glad there was only two of us around to laugh about it.

Just "be" - Sick thinking.

I have not enjoyed my day off. I am sitting in my bed with a very sore head and a throat that feels like somebody has rubbed rough sandpaper over it. I have spent most of the afternoon in bed. Anyway while I am sick I have been thinking. I have been thinking about people I encounter and our society's way of living and how we make life hard for ourselves. Let me list off scenarios.

• I see people from the lower strata of society in our drop-in centre. Some are not the brightest people on the block so are unemployed. They try so hard to be "normal". They will buy cell phones they can ill afford with plans they cant afford. They will sometimes have cars they should not buy. They act like "know all's" pontificating on things they know nothing about. Some have mental health problems but they try to mask their problem in various ways. It is other people who make them the way they are. These people are trying desperately to be people who they are not. I want to say to them in love .... "You are OK. Just 'be'" I try to say this by accepting them in love and allowing them to just "be"... sometimes I see them relax and "be".
• I sometimes see normal people who are driven by appearances, by how they are seen by other people. My mum was a bit like this. We kids had to have clean underwear... if we had an accident "what would the nurses think of your mother?" Sometimes she kept a stiff upper lip when she should have cried. When my dad died, she kept saying, "I must not cry, Angus would not like me to be seen crying." I see people buying cars they cannot afford for appearances sake. If they worked out what they actually ended up paying for the car they have a massive loan for they would be horrified. By the time they have paid for it, it is worth nothing. Then they think they need a more modern one "for appearances". I know people working their bums off because they have bought a house an an acceptable suburb that they really struggle to afford, "for appearances". They are stressed out, under pressure, trying desperately to look acceptable to "whoever". I want to say to them lovingly,  for God's sake "just be"!
• I see people who have to be doing something and who find their identity in fulfilling a role. They are always in that role. - Ministers who when you ask how they are will tell you about the latest program in their church. Or who finish conversations with little platitudes and sermons. - Social workers and counsellors who will follow the right technique or model, and be so busy watching their technique that they fail to hear or meet the person they are dealing with. - Ministers again, who hide behind rituals and cliches rather than becoming "real". - Doctors who quickly "diagnose" and offer "prescriptions" even when they are talking to their wife or kids or friends. People who are so keen on looking "together" and "happy" and "composed" that they don't know who they are. I often want to say, "Look for the love of God, just 'be'".
• There are people who run, lift weights and exercise for the good of their health. That is good.  But there are people who do such things because they are driven to be people who do such things. The thought that they might slow down as they age horrifies them. They do it for appearances, and sometimes even their health suffers because they are trying so hard to look healthy. 
• I am planning on retiring at the end of next year. People tell me, "You can't retire! You are so young and do so well!" "You can't retire. What will you do?"  Another man told me that it took him about two years after he retired to adjust to not doing his job and fulfilling a role. Another lady looked around Space2B "How will you give up all this, and what you do? Why? What will you do?" I WILL retire and I will just "be". (I still have dreams of doing things, but they will not define me.)
• Today I am sick and added to my sore head, sore throat, wheezy chest and lack of energy is the feeling of uselessness. Who am I if I am not doing something? It is my day off and fine weather, I should be cutting the hedges, doing the garden or "something". No it is time to just "be".

Just "being".

Just being is being happy with who you are at the present time. It is recognising and accepting that you have weaknesses, that you make mistakes but that you are you. Just being is recognising that you know some things but not all things and that is OK. Just being is recognising that you may not be as well off as others, but that does not reflect on your success as a person. Just being recognises that you don't have to be driven by other people's expectations, but that you can make the decisions for your priorities and living.  Just being recognises that more than your skills, your techniques, your knowledge you have something in who you are as a person that the world needs and wants to see and experience. People need to see the precious person that is "you" not just the outer casing. Just being allows others to take off their outer casing and share their precious person with you too. Just being does not mean that you do nothing or that you do not want to improve who you are. You still have dreams you want to fulfill, but they stem from who you are and are an expression of who you are. They are an expression of your inner-being, you have discovered your core and are finding ways to express it. The ideas and dreams and activity, whether it be your job, hobby or role does not give you your identity. Your doing is not your identity, rather it is an expression of your inner being.  If you can't "do" your identity is not lost, though the expression of it might find different forms. Just being is being a minister, social worker, manager or doctor, but first and foremost being "you".

Anyway... rambling now... Tillich in his theology says "Faith is the courage to be." I think there is a deep truth in that which would make life easier.  Living deeply aware of the love at the centre of the universe frees us to "just be".  Another writer says, "There is nothing you can do that will make God love you more. There is nothing you can do that will make God love you less." When we experience such love in our homes, our partnerships and friendships we are freed to "just be".

Sunday sound off.

Quoted in the paper
I got quoted in the local newspaper yesterday. This reporter has been working on this article for some time. He has done his homework and I quite like what he has come up with. It raises the question of the circumstances of people with mental health problems in our community and how some often end up in prison. It is a big issue and not easy to deal with.  While governments are reluctant to throw money at it, I would suggest the consequences of not dealing with it positively means that it cost the community huge amounts of money in other, more negative ways.

1937 TV

1937 Austin

1937 washing machine

Organ music
At Church we use a 1937 Hammond Organ. Now I confess I am one of 95% of New Zealanders who do not like organ music. (according to a survey done about 20 years ago.) I wish we had different music on offer at Church.  I remember years ago one of my then leaders threatening to leave the Church if we ever got rid of organ music. I tend to think the medium is the message. If we sing old songs played on an old musical instrument we are sending a signal that "Church" is a quaint old past time relevant for a different generation. We consign our religion to be a museum peice. I wonder if those who love the organ so much would still drive a 1937 car, use a 1937 washing machine or watch a 1937 Television? Anyway - just saying.... I just think it sends the wrong messages.

A bit sick

For quite a few days now I have been struggling with some flu type symptoms. They have never got bad enough to stop work, just an annoying wheezy chest and rough throat. Today I have really struggled and leading the service this morning was tough going. (Perhaps that's why the organ music got to me this morning?) I think I did some things yesterday which made it worse. Where as I should have taken Saturday easily I had promised to do some carpentry under the Church floor. We have a lot of damage done by the borer beetle in the timber work of our old church. When we moved a piano a few months ago one wheel of the piano trolly broke through the rotten floor boards, with only the carpet holding things together. I had promised to get under and repair the floor boards from underneath and I had told one elder that I would do it this Saturday. So, even though I was not feeling too well, with his help from the sidelines I scrambled under the floor. Creeping on my tummy through the dirt and dust under the building, I then lay on my back with my fancy renovator tool and cut out the offending boards, replacing them from below with new boards. In the process of cutting, chiseling, hammering and nailing I was taking in an incredible amount of dust and dirt. Ever since then my flu symptoms have got worse. I think the physical effort coupled with the dust and dirt was the final straw as my body was trying to fight the virus. Of course we had to attend a function at the Church last night as well. I will come right, but "a bit fragile" is how I would describe myself tonight. What was to be a run with my friend this afternoon became a short often breathless walk.  She took one look at me when we met and said I looked "awful".  I will enjoy my day off tomorrow.

Better than a Bible Study group

I was sitting having coffee at the fire station the other day and one of the firefighters raised the question of life after death, he had heard a book on the subject being advertised. Four guys were sitting around me and we talked "real" stuff about life, values and death. I felt like pinching myself. It was a privilege to be a part of and to help facilitate. I recalled a church-going fire fighter telling me when I first started at the fire station that I would never get to talk religion around a fire station. He inferred it was a waste of time me being there. It was not so much "religion" but better than that - "spirituality".  - Special. I had a week in which there were a number of these special type conversations where your inner-beings meet in friendship.  I am indeed fortunate.

A little bit low tonight.

I am not sure what is going on with my health but I feel not on top of things tonight. I have a strange wheezy cough which is just not "me", a bit of a swollen face and ankles and little energy. Tomorrow will be better, a bit of depression has hit me today.
What keeps you awake at night?
We have begun to fundraise for the $600,000 we want to enable the Night Shelter Trust to buy the buildings we rent. I was involved in a conversation this morning which was quite a positive experience. It did scare me though, because it made me realise that we have such a long way to go to get that sort of dosh. I am not the fundraising type yet I am chairperson of the Night Shelter Trust needing to raise this amount? We are embarking on a journey. This man we were talking with was quite delightful. He was wanting to help us but was also quizzing us. I loved his question. He asked, "What is your weakness?" then followed that with a question to help us discover that. "What keeps you awake at night? What about the Night Shelter do you find yourself worrying about at night?"  What a great question to help you analyse what is going on in your life? 
Unemployment.
In two different conversations today I talked about unemployed people. One man, with two University degrees, has been looking for a job for about four years. He has a lowly paid part time job not in the area of his learning and does quite a bit of voluntary work. He had kept a page out of the paper with a job advertisement on it, and he was going to apply, but was not hopeful. He told of another trained person who had similarly been applying for years who had collected hundreds of rejection letters and not even got to interview stage. He found the government ministers going on about there being plenty of jobs to be insulting. Another conversation, however, seemed to suggest that there were plenty of jobs but that people preferred the unemployment benefit to having to work. I got to stewing on that. I recall at least 26 years ago when I was unemployed for a time. I received the unemployment benefit, which wasn't a lot to live on for the family. I ended up getting a job for a well known hardware store as a salesman. I worked 6 days and one evening a week. I received in my hand ten dollars more than I was receiving on the unemployment benefit! Going to work involved extra expense. There was about $40 travel costs each week to get there. I had to provide myself with a reasonable standard of clothing. I worked all these hours and ended up at least $30 worse off than on the benefit! I chose to keep working, but from a purely economical point of view it was silly to do so. A few years ago I was sick of ministry (a regular event) and I applied for and was offered a job back at the same hardware chain.  They were paying the minimum wage. I still had a small mortgage then and that was one factor in turning down the job. I did my sums and a couple, or a small family would struggle to live on that wage! I could imagine that staying on the unemployment benefit and having time to do money saving things (collecting firewood, gardening, etc) would be a better option if you could. Something is wrong here? Then on the other hand you get CEO's and managers on massive salaries and with all sorts of additional perks. It seems unfair.
What does keep me awake at night?
I have had two other people today suggesting that I should stay with the Church and not retire. Nah... that is what keeps me awake at night! - the distance between the ideal Church truly following the way of Jesus, (as I see it) and the reality of the Church as it is, and my inability to bring the two closer together.    I've gone about as far as I can go. 

I watched a film!

Today I have worked about ten hours with little sleep last night. I did some things that were on my plan to do, and there were some extra unplanned things I needed to respond to. Other things mucked up my plans for the week ahead. Tonight I switched off. My wife had wanted us to go to the films but one of the unplanned responses meant I was working past the start time for the movie to begin, so I suggested hiring a DVD might have to do. I share with you a couple of things.
First-  I have been fielding phone calls about our Christmas dinner, had face to face meetings about it and also listened to comments about the Night Shelter and our other programs at the Church. I have had offers of volunteers wanting to be part of Christmas day. A minister rang wondering how his Church could assist. I have been encouraged by the good name our Church and our work has in the community. While there are many frustrations, we are making an impact.
Secondly - I share two classic lines from the film... It was "Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" and I enjoyed it. The two quotes are...
"Life is like a wave,
resist it and you'll get knocked over.
Dive into it and you'll swim out the other side."
and
"The only real failure is the failure to try.
The measure of success is how we cope with disappointment."
They rang bells with me, though I am not sure how they apply to my life. I am a bit weary of trying! I keep diving in though sometimes even when you dive in the wave turns you over a few times before you emerge. Another quote from the film...
"It will all be alright in the end. If it is not alright, it is not the end yet." 

Stressed on my day off?

I have felt a bit stressed today. We have had a lot of rain lately but today was fine and my day off, so I should have been feeling relaxed. Here are the reasons why I feel stressed.

1. Dunedin Night Shelter Trust. There are three things going on that have me stewing in my position of Chair of the Night Shelter Trust. First - We are trying to get Phoenix Lodge up and running as a place for transitional rented accommodation for men, particularly ex-prisoners. That has had a lot of teething problems and it seems the nature of the people we work with that there will always be issues. Today I had a Newspaper reporter trying to get information out of me, and I have been worried about what will be printed out of what I have said. Secondly - we have our Annual General meeting for the Trust coming up on December 6th. I have to make sure it is advertised, that I have a report printed by then and I have the program for the evening all sorted out. There is a lot of work to do in the next week or so. Thirdly - We as a Trust have decided to fundraise for $600000 to purchase the buildings we currently rent. We are starting the fundraising now. We are planning a special presentation on the 11th December for which I need to arrange a video, work out who should come, contact the people we want to involve and facilitate the committee getting all this off the ground. Again a lot of work needs to be done in the next couple of weeks, much of it is out of my comfort zone, and will be new learning for me. I keep telling myself that I was an important part of a Habitat for Humanity group which went from nothing to financing and building 13 houses, so I should be able to handle this. I guess it is just the unknown ahead of me that stresses me out.
2. Our 24th Community Christmas Day dinner. The phone is ringing more and more frequently with people booking in for our Christmas Day dinner and caring agencies are ringing seeking information. Even today on my day off, I have fielded a number of calls. I know we will get it all done, but the next five weeks will be busy with extra work getting this all funded, planned and presented. So as well as the extra Night Shelter responsibilities, I have the normal busyness that has happened for the last 23 years each November/December. It will happen, people's generosity make it happen, I just have to organise and channel all that energy.
3. Behind in my normal work... I am deeply aware that I am behind in some of my normal work. There are people in my congregation long overdue for a pastoral visit. There are similar people in my chaplaincies. There are administration issues I am behind in for both Church and chaplaincy. These weigh heavily on my mind. I think some times others think I am available at any time for meetings, conversations and other extra-curricular stuff. It is good that I can be a bit flexible, but I am employed by Church and chaplaincy to fulfill certain responsibilities and I need to catch up on some of this work.
4. I have my enlarged prostate "bionic plumbing" problems. I am coping with having to wear this catheter and bag set up which requires time and extra thought to just do the normal things. It also occasionally brings with it times of discomfort.  I am doing OK and try to just get on with life as per normal as much as possible, but I know I have this annoying bit of equipment and the uncertain cloud of surgery and further diagnosis at some stage hanging over me. 
5. Two sad events in Dunedin There have been two sad events in Dunedin. One was a cyclist hit and killed by a truck in town. I know the emergency workers who would have attended this accident and I am a cyclist who has had a few close shaves with trucks, so this has made me sad. The second was a woman attacked and given stab wounds by some unknown man in her house. Did I know this man? Given the people I mix with, perhaps he is one of "our" drop-in guys? I somehow feel a measure of responsibility. It was just blocks away from the Church. Was there anything we could have done to prevent this? These two events have made my heart feel "heavy" today.

I tried to repair an electric fly mower that we have. I pulled it apart, cleaned and adjusted it but there were still problems. It was disappointing not to get it going. While I have been doing such "day off" things the above four issues have been hanging around my mind not allowing me to relax. Phone calls have kept them alive.  I did enjoy my walk up my Mount Cargill to do some thinking on the week ahead.  There is nothing like physical exertion, expansive scenery and bush to bring a measure of renewal to the inner man. Tomorrow another working week starts for me. Wish me luck.