Embarrassing Church service.

I have just finished doing some work toward this coming Sunday's church service. I get to thinking, "What's the use? Why put so much effort into it?" After last Sunday's, the first of the year, I thought, "Do I really want to do this for another year?". I'll tell you about that experience.

I had been upstairs mixing briefly with people after the service, but I "escaped" downstairs to my office. I sat there eyes glazed over, depressed as, playing solitaire on the computer. My daughter came into the office, took one look at me and said, "Are you hiding?"  I was. At that point I did not want to take another service ever. It had been quite a week. Because of Christmas I had a week off leading a service. Instead we had our big Christmas Day Community dinner which, while exhausting, is always an adrenilan rush and a high. We had celebrated Christmas together as a family, I had been on a short enjoyable tramp with my son and on the Tuesday my brother-in-law had died. I went to Christchurch and spent three days working on and conducting the funeral, which had gone well. On Saturday I drove home and attended an 80th birthday party on New Years eve. Then on Sunday I led the Sunday service. I was aware that while I had good feedback from people, it was not my best. It was not as creative as I would have wanted. So to some extent I felt I had short changed my people, but that could not be helped given the week. It is also one of the smaller services of the year, so that did not help. But the thing that upset me most was the music. It was organ music, like we have every Sunday. Now most of the people of the church are older and find that acceptable. I don't particularly like organ music, but that's my taste, and I feel like I have no choice but to go with the flow.  This time, because of the eightieth birthday I was attending there was a big family of teenagers through to twenty one year olds visiting. Their parents used to be in the youth group I led here years ago. They are a good religious family and I know that in the church they attend back home the music would be guitars, drums, lively and upbeat. I appreciate that when they are back in town, even though we do not have the same style, they turn up to worship, and they took up a whole clump of the front pews in the church. Every song we sang as the organ cranked up I looked at this line up of fine young people, and sensed that they were looking at each other, stiffling giggles, or groans at what to them is old time quaint music. Now I probably would not like the theology in the songs they sing back in their church, but I could sense their unease, and wished we could have some more upbeat instruments. Because of this and because I was aware I was not firing as well as I would want, I felt embarrassed to be up front leading the service. I got to thinking, if these motivated religious people feel so out of step with our music, we have a snowball's chance in hell of attracting anyone under thirty! For that reason when I began mixing with people after the service, somebody said something that reinforced my feeling of depression and embarrassment and I just had to escape. So down to the office to find consolation in solitaire I went. It depresses me that few others care! Of course it is fine for them, they justifiably don't mind the music as it is. But I would love to be able to reach younger people! Those we have attracted have left after a short time. We have not got other musicians in the membership, so without extra effort we cannot change even if we wanted to. But last Sunday I was asking, "What's the use? Why do I put so much effort into each week's service? We'll not make any headway." My daughter wisely pointed out that there were other good things happening in the church and these things are worth the effort. But last Sunday, and even now I am struggling with depression about this part of ministry. I need to add that I did not stay in the office, I stopped playing solitaire, toughened up and went up and mixed and mingled again as if nothing was bothering me.

Anyway, this afternoon I came back to the office from chaplaincy and started working on Sunday's service, and began to wonder, "If the people I had been talking to in chaplaincy fronted up to worship, how would they feel?" Then depression hit again, so you dear reader get to hear my unloading. Sorry.