Three traumatic experiences.

The new temporary "cardboard" Christchurch Cathedral

My wife had to take this photo- I had fled.

The old Christchurch Cathedral - Should it be rebuilt?

Trauma number 1... I turned 65!

Today I received my first pension. (In NZ we can still earn and get a pension.) Last Friday I turned 65. I still look in the mirror and wonder how I got to be that old? Where did the years go? I am at the end of my career? All sorts of nostalgia about the journey runs through my mind. The frustration of "dreams unfinished" is very real. There is also a certain sense of satisfaction - "I did it my way" to the best of my understanding and ability in the course of the journey. I know I have made a difference, even though I dreamed of more.  I had planned the birthday to go quietly, but there were lovely expressions of friendship on the day. Two women who are part of the Church brought extra food to the Church and those attending our lunch time Space2B enjoyed a mini party. In the evening at the drop-in centre there was a spontaneous and enthusiastic rendition of the "Happy Birthday" song by the 40 - 50 guests when one man announced "Pastor Dave has a birthday today!" The gift from the family had me choosing between a reconstituted iphone or a flash camera. I chose a camera because I was not sure that when I am just on the pension I could justify the regular expense of using an iphone. Turning 65 is a traumatic milestone.  In 112 days, for better or for worse, I will end my career as a minister. 
Trauma Number 2... Christchurch revisited.
On Sunday after Church we drove to Christchurch (361 Kms.)  to visit my son, daughter-in-law and grandson. We stayed for two nights. Three and a half years ago Christchurch had a big and devastating earthquake. Christchurch is still a city in a mess. Christchurch streets are now incredibly bumpy, though worse in some areas than others. Everywhere there are road works, bridge repairs, traffic cones and road signs. There are empty sections filled with rubble where once houses and buildings stood. There are lovely looking homes with broken windows waiting to be demolished. Big buildings in the CBD are still being demolished. There are Churches standing with steeples missing and walls partially collapsed. Some places of the city look like a third world country. Outside our guest house there was a truck still needing to pump out broken sewerage drains. In the days and weeks immediately after the big earthquake I visited the city twice. On the first visit I spent time in the CBD talking with emergency workers and those involved in civil defense work.  A few weeks later I spent time knocking on doors checking on the needs of residents.  One of the areas I did door knocking in was the area we stayed in over the last couple of nights. At the time I was deeply moved and saddened by the whole experience. This visit somehow the messed up state of Christchurch brought all that sadness back. I felt a certain degree of being re-traumatised by wandering the streets again. I do feel for the people of Christchurch.
Trauma number 3... We've so missed the point.
This trauma experience is a result of a combination of the above two experiences. I also had spent time around shops and had looked with sadness at the number of unemployed people wandering the shops, bars and streets, living messed up lives a long way short of their potential. As a 65 year old I am feeling the frustration of dreams unfinished and the accumulated burnout of trying to fit into the traditional Church ministry. At this stage of my life my questions about Church priorities come to the surface. In Christchurch there is lively discussion about the Christchurch Cathedral. It was an iconic building in the central square of the city. It was wrecked in the earthquake. (Along with a number of other old church buildings) There has been controversy about whether it should be rebuilt. A "temporary" structurally innovative "cardboard" Cathedral has been erected nearby. We visited the old one in ruins and the new one. I looked at another wrecked church where three men had been killed. When the big February earthquake hit, they were in the building removing the organ after a previous earthquake had damaged the building! In Dunedin our Church building has been assessed by an engineer and lots of work is needed before it comes up to standard. All these things were buzzing within me. I took a photo of the outside of the old cathedral and thought of the controversy. I also photographed the new one from the outside. It was when I walked into the new one that I was traumatised. It is a nice neat looking Anglican Church building with rows of seats facing an alter, pulpit and the worship centre of a normal cathedral.  As I looked at this whole set up I felt a deeply sad feeling in my gut. (it was a physical feeling of repulsion) I wanted to scream, "This is all wrong!"  I had to flee from the building! "Why?" I asked myself, "why such a strong reaction? Why feel so repulsed?" 
Here is what I fathomed out... and I have been stewing on this while driving back to Dunedin. It is all wrong because we have the wrong priorities. The Church (whatever denomination, whatever it's "breed" - liberal, happy clappy, conservative etc. ) sees as its priority this worship experience. You sit in rows and worship. Some do it formally with liturgy, others with clapping, hand raising etc etc. or other expressions of worship. The main chunk of money invested by any church is to have a building for this purpose, to have staff who lead and or encourage people to come to this worship. A Church is seen as successful if big numbers come to this regularly.  My issue is not so much with the content of worship - whatever your preference.  My issue is that it is given top priority. Now I have studied the life of Jesus. I have sought to be open to his "spirit" and direction.  I do not believe that he set out to found a new religion. He certainly, as an active Jew, encouraged a group of followers of his way of "the Kingdom", of love and authenticity. But I have become increasingly convinced that he would not be wanting his followers to be having as their main expression of who they are and their main priority in their investment of resources, people singing songs to him, about him, reciting creeds and encouraging this sort of worship focus. Jesus, I believe would have his disciples, or followers have as their main focus service; expressions of love to others; seeking justice and expressing inclusiveness, and acceptance. People supporting other people in the journey of life would be his focus. His "gathering" would be a gathering of people adopting a servant lifestyle individually and in their groups.   In our Churches service happens either by a few enthusiastic eccentrics or through bureaucratic agencies depending on public money doing it by "proxy" maybe in the name of the Church, but not necessarily with the values and style of Jesus. The main focus is "worship" and it just is not true to Jesus! Jesus' priorities would be different. His emphases would not be on building groups of inward thinking people, escaping into religiosity and religious practices.  Nor would it be on people sitting around discussing theology.  I have believed this for a long time but have tried to fit into traditional church structures endeavouring to lift up "service" as the focus.  In the foyer of the new Cathedral I felt repulsed because lots of things came together.  Several things "hit" me. 

• We have so misrepresented Jesus! Most Churches are a big distortion! 

• There are so few challenging the distortion! Even after an earthquake, as Churches reshape they are continuing with the distortion. 

• My own Church thinking about its future will in all probability cease the "serving" ministries we have, and focus on the worship. In thinking through the building issue, the focus will be on worship. In thinking through who to have to replace me, the thinking will be on worship.

• I have come to the end of my career and I have been unsuccessful in changing the focus in any of my ministries. 

• Even new expressions of theological thinking, though I like them, neglect the servanthood emphasis which is so much a part of who Jesus was. 

All these things and more "hit" me in that cathedral. As nice as it was, I saw its erection as an expression of all that is wrong with the Church in general and I felt repulsed.   It was a taumatic experience that came because I am nearing retirement, I was in a city messed up by an earthquake and in a new Church "worship" centre.  Jesus is crying, "Look what they done to my song!"  I have few regrets about being a Church Minister. I tried to make a difference and in some small way I have. So it is not the feeling of wasting my life catching up on me. It is more a feeling of despair for the future reality of the Church - All I see is groups of people "spiritually masturbating" every Sunday, still "islands of irrelevance in a sea of despair" - misrepresenting the one they sing about. That is an extreme statement. There will be those questioning, some churches serving and individuals expressing servanthood, but in general there looks to be no great change toward the ways and priorities of Jesus. I feel sad about that. Personally I feel positive about my impending retirement. I look forward to new and different adventures as JC's helper.