52 years married.

 Wedding Anniversary today

Today was our 52nd wedding anniversary. Given my mesothelioma it could well be our last Wedding Anniversary together. I do choke up at that prospect. 

Last week we travelled to Christchurch for me to undergo chemotherapy and Immunotherapy treatment. We arrived on Tuesday and I was asked to get a blood test done. On the Wednesday we attended an orientation session, at which they told us all the bad news about the possible side effects and how best to cope. My wife, daughter and son sat in on the session which was good. We went for lunch and got a phone call and was asked to come into the hospital again for a session with the oncologist. He had caught up on the blood test and my kidney function numbers were not right. Apparently the kidneys are important for coping with the chemotherapy mixture they put into you. So I was told to go away, drink water, drop a blood pressure pill and get another blood test on Monday of this week. 

We were of course disappointed, and drove all the way back to Dunedin, 356 kilometres. This morning we went into town and I gave blood for a new blood test. All day we have been awaiting news from Christchurch hoping that we will get the all clear for chemotherapy to start. The results will probably come out over night and we may be contacted tomorrow. We'll wait and see.

This morning we had a special morning tea and bought a couple of plants to mark the anniversary. Tonight we went out for tea to a Thai restaurant and enjoyed the time out.  I wrote the following on "facebook" this morning. - 52 years married today.... what a varied, creative, exciting, playful, constructive, challenging, and grace filled partnership. I was/am a troubled shy "child", Jean has strengthened me and made up for my weaknesses on my journey.

Packing up a life

On Saturday my daughter and husband decided to come out and help us to do some clearing out and taking things to the rubbish tip. So I was going through stuff wondering what to get rid of. I have kept a lot of stuff "in case I need it." But now is the time to discard it. I have a lot of stuff like tramping gear I will not probably use again, but if I choose to discard it I feel like I am giving up? It is the same with tools, or wood I have stored? What attitude should I have? Anyway we did a trailer load to the rubbish tip, took some other things for the shop at the tip to be sold to others, and then stacked fire wood that I had chopped up from tree branches I chopped down with some fire fighters. (since it will have to dry for 12 months at least, I guess I'll never use it.)

"We're only here for a short time!"

Today we went into a hardware store. These are my favourite types of stores where I usually covet so many things. But these days nothing attracts me. What is the use of adding to tools I have, others will only get them? What is the use of making plans? Again I see properties for sale, vehicles for sale or other things that might have once attracted me, now they are no longer of interest. Other things pass through my mind, a caring ministry possibility; a charitable venture I might be interested in etc. etc. and the reality hits and I no longer dwell on them. I am only here for a short time longer, why buy? Why dream?

I look at the things people try to sell on TV, on line, in the newspaper and I think, "What a waste of resources, we are all only here for such a short time, that really is not worth wasting resources on." I mix with shoppers in crowded shops (it never has been a favourite past time of mine) and I see the covetous looks, the fretting, the desire and I want to yell, "DON"T ... we are all only here for a short time! You can have all the stuff you want, but in the long run, it will not matter at all."

I was given a book and have enjoyed reading it - but at times thought, "Why? It sparked my thinking, and excited me, but this brain will be dead soon?" I bought a book by an author I love, but again wondered, "Why study, think and dwell. Thoughts will be gone?" (I am continuing to read and think and dwell... A recent ex-mayor of our city died after a battle with cancer recently. He said to a friend during his last week, that it had been an opportunity for growth. That is what I am finding, and it is good!)

I have read of people receiving a death sentence in places where they still have capital punishment. I have often wondered what it would be like to live on death row? Now I am finding out. I try to get on and enjoy each day, but it is like living with a black cloud above you, waiting for the storm to strike. I will and am coping one day at a time. I am getting increasingly breathless and nowadays there are twinges of pain. Lying in bed on my side I feel pressure points. There are constant reminders of my loss of ability and prospective loss of life. .... but I also have lots of messages and reminders of people who are "with me". I have expressions of love and friendship, these certainly help. A prayer I have had on my wall for years reads;

God grant me

SERENITY

to accept the things

I cannot change

COURAGE

to change the things I can,

and

WISDOM

to know the difference.

When my mother was dying she had a booklet open on the bedside cabinet to Teresa of Avila's quote;

“Let nothing disturb you, 

nothing frighten you, 

all things are passing, 

God is unchanging."

Once when I was with her and she winced in pain, she opened her eyes and said, "This too will pass." 

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