Why?

Really? Who are they talking about?

I attended a farewell function the other day for a staff member of the Night Shelter. When she saw me there she was ecstatic."Thank you for believing in me!" she kept saying and hugged me? Another lady there, she has been a well known public figure, when she left came up to me and gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek. I have had an occasional acquaintance with her over the years, various conversations about things, but she said her farewells like we were deep friends? I featured the Fire station presentation on my facebook page and I received quite a few very positive affirmative comments. One fire fighter who has moved to a different part of New Zealand said, "An amazing man!"? My wife and I were walking down the main street of town and we saw coming toward us a woman who used to be in one of my chaplaincies. When she was there she was in a job where I had to keep in touch with her, so we had quite a few conversations over a number of years. She left the job many years ago and Jean and I have bumped into her just occasionally over that time. She knew of my illness and greeted us warmly asking me how I was. I simply said to her, "It's terminal". She stopped and said, "Can I hug you?" "Yes" I said. So we hugged tightly there in the main street of town with my wife looking on. She stepped back, "You are such a good man. I love you very much. I really do. You have been so very important in my life." and with a wave headed away. I was stunned. How have I been "important"? Affirmative statements continue to come my way. I struggle to understand "why?". 

I am writing my life story because in time hopefully some grandchildren might be interested. I was a troubled child. I was never top of the class in anything, with no outstanding talents in any area. I have for my whole life been full of self doubt, struggled with confidence and had a shy disposition. My uncertainty has dogged me in everything I have done, I have struggled to have confidence to fully assert myself. I second guess myself constantly. My wife has had to back me up and work alongside to ensure I got things done. How am I an "amazing man"? Why this deep affirmation? AND when will they see the real me and see the hollow shell? When will they actually find out I am not all I am cracked up to be? It baffles me. I have no real outstanding talent to admire? 

"You gotta walk it on your own"

I have been astounded by offers of assistance as I face my terminal cancer issues. At the function at the fire station the other day, heaps of people came up saying they want to "Have coffee some time." People who could not make the function actually invited me out for coffee or wrote expressing the desire to catch up. One man offered to drive me the five hours to Christchurch for my treatments and back. All sorts of offers came my way. I am so grateful for the expressions of support. I will take the opportunity to catch up. But I have realised something profound. While these people can offer you support and practical help and make you feel less alone, there is a sense that when you are looking down the barrel of the actual ending of your existence, and the suffering that may go along with that, you are in fact alone. The old song that said, "You gotta walk that lonesome valley, you gotta walk it by your self, ain't nobody else can walk it for you, you gotta walk it on your own." is quite true. I have to do my own "processing" in my way. I need to empower my courage to deal with the realities. Nobody can do it for me. Sometimes I think it requires time. Elderly people do it slowly over years. They go to their mates' funerals and know their's is coming. Eventually I think they even long for the end in some cases. Mine will be a pressure cooker shortened version of what older people process more gradually over years.  .... I'm just thinking out loud....but it is stuff only you can do. The other day I had a well meaning phone call from a man. As he talked there was part of me that was saying, "Go away and let me spend time stewing! Do not tell me what I should be thinking." 

I recall a description of an Irish family at the death of a member. Everyone is in the room, there's noise and story telling and the idea is that these people want to let the dying person know that they are not alone to the very end. I wonder what the dying think of that?

I have often been with families at bedsides. Then the nursing staff want to wash their loved ones or attend to them and gently ask the family to wait outside awhile. After a short time a nurse comes out and says, "I'm sorry, she/he has just passed." It has happened to me often. Medical people have also told me that in their experience this frequently happens.  Somebody I read commented that many people would rather just die alone. "It's a private thing they would rather do alone." I am far from dying yet, and I have loved the conversations and company I am enjoying, but there are times that I can understand that. Alone time to let your brain and emotions catch up seems to be necessary, in life and in death.