"But she's gorgeous?"

I am just back from a chaplaincy. I have been intrigued by people's responses to Tiger Wood's infidelity. It has often come up in conversations in the workplaces I visit. Frankly I am tired of still seeing it in the news items. The media milk it for everything its worth. Perhaps the most common comment I have heard from people, most often men, is, "Why would he stray? His wife is gorgeous? Have you seen her?" I wish to explore the implications behind that comment.

I do not want to excuse Tiger in any way. It's not for me to judge, but at the very least he was using the wrong body part to make his decisions with! Twelve extra marital liaisons is pushing his luck, it was bound to be exposed at some time. It's just greedy and a bit stupid. I could understand a friendship going too far or something like that, but twelve is silly.

But I want to know why people think having a gorgeous beautiful wife would stop a man from straying? Apart from her looks, we have no idea what she was like as a person or in a relationship? Since when does "being beautiful" equate with "being a nice person to live with"? Since when does "being gorgeous" equate with "being a good lover"? She could be useless in bed and even though she is gorgeous, she could look at him with loathing, so much so that any other girl showing interest, becomes attractive.

Now I must confess that my experience with women is VERY limited. I have only slept with and married the one woman, so my comments are not very empirically based. I have, however, had cause to listen to a lot of people talk about their marriages. In my anecdotal experience marrying a gorgeous person does not guarantee compatibility, satisfaction in bed or any particular advantage. There are gorgeous and "plain" women who make great life-partners and there are gorgeous and "plain" women who will always fail at their long term relationships. We are fooled by advertisers, biology and our own twisted thinking into thinking that beauty guarantees happiness. Let me tell you of an example from very early on in my life. There was this couple I knew, she was gorgeous. She also was fun to be around, often joking and the life of the party. Often too sexual innuendo was part of the conversation. I am sure that many men would look at her husband and think, "He's got the perfect wife. She gorgeous, fun and interested in sex!" He got to talk to me once about their relationship. He was hurt, disappointed and in some ways he had lost his confidence as a man. It turned out that apart from early in their marriage when she wanted to "make babies", this bombshell was virtually never interested in sexual activity. When it did happen it was grudgingly "given" and perfunctory. Now if he was to be unfaithful to her, most people would ask, "But why? She's gorgeous?" But the reality of the relationship was different.

I raise this because I think we have some values that could lead us to hurt and trouble. I am sure that famous men like Tiger, or film stars often go for gorgeous women, because they are like a fine peice of clothing, they add value to their public image. In the successful choice of a life partner, or in building a sustainable relationship, in spite of what the advertisers for various beauty enhancing products suggest, physical beauty is not a big factor. There are deeper things to attend to, to value and to look out for in a relationship. Remember the old "Lemon tree" song, it could be true. "Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat." This is not to rail against beautiful women or people. It is just a warning to say that there is an inner beauty to appreciate that is more important.

I must say in closing, that I have no idea what Tiger Wood's wife is like. She could be a very nice person. I am just saying, her beauty does not guarantee that. It is an incorrect assumption that is often made. It's other implication is also dangerous. That is that we "ordinary" or "plain" people are somehow inferior because we do not look "beautiful". I am intrigued that the reactions to Tiger's infidelity seem to make this mistake.

A beautiful Spirit...

We run a drop-in centre every Friday evening from 6:30 - 9:30. It is held in an upstairs hall we call "The Upper Room". All sorts of people come. Some are alcoholics; many are mental health patients; most are unemployed and some struggle with drug issues. The youngest there last Friday night was a baby about 3 months old, the oldest an alcoholic who visits from a psychiatric ward was in his mid to late 70s. When I opened the doors at 6:30 to let the waiting crowd in, I noticed the father of the baby was leaning against the church doors, downing a stubby of beer. By the look of him it was not his first! Later he staggered in and played pool. I came down stairs half-way through the night to discover that he had smashed a half full bottle of beer on the all weather matting in the entrance way of the church hall. I began to gather the gear to clean up the slithers of glass and excess beer.

We have a well known town drunk, we'll call her Mary who attends the church drop-in. Her life story is sad indeed, and now in her fifties she is seldom sober and often in court. Well Mary discovered this mess the same time I did. She was lovely. She was totally angry that someone would smash a beer bottle in a church! For her, churches were God's house! She apologised to me for the guy's actions and in spite of the protestations of her caring husband, insisted on getting down on her knees to help me pick up the glass and empty the excess beer into a bucket. I was so so touched. Here in the midst of her muddled mind still shining through is a beautiful caring spirit. I could not help but reach my arm around her shoulder and give her a friendly hug when we had finished the job.