Phew.... week over!

Alone in the house..
When you have been married forty two years it does not happen often. I remember staying with a recently widowed lady years ago. She had a funny relationship with her late husband. They were often heard yelling at each other. You would think they hated each other, but strangely enough as we sat watching TV one night she poured out her heart. She hated being alone. She said that if something happened on TV she used to turn to Bill and they would laugh together or talk about the program. If something happened when she fed the chooks she would tell him about it (often yelling I suspect) Now she said she really missed these small bits of conversation. She said she found herself still turning to Bill's chair and go to say something and realise again he was not there. Currently I am enjoying my freedom, I have country and western music blasting on the stereo, a beer beside me and the TV off. Already though I miss that extra person. I met a friend of my son's this afternoon. I forgot his name and wanted to ask my wife but she's not here. I bumped into someone at the supermarket, but I had nobody to tell about it when I got home. My wife has driven to Christchurch to support my son who is going through a tough time. She hopes also to catch up on her brother who is not doing too well, and maybe my sister whose husband is battling cancer. Does anyone know how to cook porridge? I'll find out tomorrow morning no doubt. I'll let you know how it turns out.
A funny week...
I have a stress test questionaire. It asks you what has happened to you over the last months and estimates the kind of stress you are under. It's main point is that stress acumulates, it can be a whole heap of little things that slowly build up. Here are some things I have encountered during the week. A minister rang me early on Tuesday morning and asked if I could take his turn doing a radio service this week. I agreed to but it put extra pressure me. I have heard about a number sad illnesses. My brother-in-law has a bad prognosis. I am in my final two weeks of being chaplain at St John Ambulance and I am sad about that.  The fire fighters are on strike and a bit grumpy and some jobs are to be disestablished there. I put a lot of effort into Sunday mornings and wonder if it is all worth it. I never got to do all the chaplaincy hours that I should have and was disappointed with what I didn't get done. On Friday everything caught up on me a bit. I was in the office and heading out to have morning tea with a man. I rushed into the toilet and as I was pulling my pants down my phone pouch leapt off my belt and went splash into the toilet. I fished it out and found it still worked. ...I eventually pulled it to bits and dried it on a heater.  The day did not improve much. It seemed to be filled with sad conversations. At about 2p.m. I was photocopying stuff when the machine said it was out of toner. I tried filling it with toner but it didn't work. I tried all sorts of things, wasting valuable time and was getting so frustrated that I let fly with my boot at it. At that stage I thought it best to get out of the office and go round the fire stations. (I texted my daughter who got the service agent to come and sort it out) At the fire stations I got some disappointing news about a firefighter and also learned that I need to go to a rural fire station this week to run a debrief after a very tragic event. It was all too much, I had had enough!  I felt alone and undervalued. Accumulated stress had hit me. I just wanted to go home and even drove nearly home, but turned around and came back to do my duty at the drop-in centre. At first I hid at the sink doing dishes and mixing drink. But I gradually emerged and shared with the people. I played games of table tennis, I joked and talked and ran a guy home. As I forgot my own woes and gave myself to others my depression eased and I went home tired, but at peace.  This week will be better.

Two Disappointments and a lesson on stress.

Every week lately seems to have had something extra in it which has meant normal work has had to fit around the extra. This week I hosted an inner-city ministers meeting. I took them up to the drop-in centre area... easy chairs, ready cup of tea etc.  The meeting went well... I was happy with it. I often do not feel at home with these religious people, they seem on a different planet than I.

Exercise disappointment. I walked last Sunday because my hamstring was sore and tight. Monday I split wood for some time and went for a bike ride, Wednesday I had a gym session and a run, running quite freely, Thursday though my hamstring was sore and tight. I ran to get the phone and discovered how sore it was. Friday a gym session... today we started to run but felt tight in the hamstring so apart from a small jog around a track, we walked up a hill. I will not be running a half marathon I had planned at the end of June. I need to rest my hamstring ... it is sooo disappointing! I wanted to run a half-marathon when I was sixty. 

Two training days.....Added into this week were two different training days or professional development days.  Friday saw me catching up with Workplace support chaplains. I enjoyed the catching up but was disappointed with the training. It was not bad, but I would say it was nice and "light" and OK for an adolescent youth camp, but somehow not solid enough for me. For me to give up a day of work results in a whole lot of added pressure on my week. If I give it up I want the time to be really meaty and useful. This day fell short of my expectations... not offensive nor real bad, but just not meaty enough to make me feel it was time well spent.  Saturday I spent on a training day with the peer support team from St John Ambulance and the Fire Service. I was dreading it thinking it would be another wasted day, but I was pleasantly surprised. The people who led it were excellent facilitators and I enjoyed the social interaction. I learned from it and had thoughts I had from my own experiences of dealing with Critical Incident Stress confirmed. I was pleased I went even though it made me tired and put added pressure on. 

Something to think about... The first session was on "stress" ... symptoms, internal and external pressures etc. I listed off so many of the symptoms it was not funny! And I live with them week in week out!  Stress is an imbalance between our challenges or tasks in life and our perceived ability to handle them. The woman leading it said that stress in life was like a cup. If we kept it at half full we can manage it and if new pressure comes on we have room to move. I realised that I live most of my life with the cup almost full. There are a lot of reasons for that. Ministry, 3 chaplaincies, Habitat for Humanity and Night Shelter Trust all make sure my weeks are full. I have a lack of confidence which means that even normal ministry/chaplaincy etc. functions are relatively stressful. I also have different expectations of "church" and so the compromises I make and the "square peg in a round hole" feeling add to stress. I also have high expectations of Habitat for Humanity and am frustrated with colleagues involved there. I had said to my wife at the end of Friday night, "I don't know how long I can keep doing this?!"  and "I am dreading Sunday!" So I have been asking myself, "How do I reduce the stress?" I really don't know what to cut out?

I know that my gym, running, mountain and biking help me cope.

I have a helpful formal supervisor and another informal weekly supervisor in my Sunday running friend.

I have an inner spiritual drive and sense of partnership that empowers and enables. But even given all these things I sense that I am pushing my luck and treading on thin ice. I am reviewing the situation.....  I do need a walk up the mountain though.... maybe tomorrow?