Sunday stewing.

Still confused.

I have had a disturbing week with lots of confusion in my mind about my future. There is still the possibility of another job lurking around ... I haven't put an application in, but they are sending me encouraging emails. It is hard to explain my frustrations with ministry and my difficulty coping. It is not a workload thing, though life is pretty "full on". I have before described ministry in this church by using the picture of a bulldozer stuck in a bog and you are trying to push it out of it. I guess that's what it feels like and sometimes you move it an inch, at other times it feels like it slips back into the mud. But somehow I have not been on top emotionally lately. On Saturday I was to attend a critical incident peer support team training day, but my car's electric windows got stuck open on Friday night. (I swear there was nothing wrong with winding a handle to open a car window! I hate electric window winders! I think every car I have had with electric windows has caused problems.) I got up early to fix it so I could go to the training, but at a certain point I decided I could say "no" to the training day and do the job properly. It meant I could work on Sunday morning's service, power points, and build some exercise into my day. That time proved invaluable. I said "no", and then "no"again to another invitation to lunch today and that is not like me! I usually feel obligated to attend such things, but I felt the need to "get out from under" and take time out. There are good things happening at the church. Space2B is going well. It is so good to see life enhancing events happening there with the buzz of people talking. Sustainability groups meet there. The Multi-ethnic Council meets there and partners with us. Friends meet at the church and support one another. The Drop-in on Friday night was a warm friendly time and we could see progress in people's lives. Most of the church members are unaware of these developments. They may not see it as "Church growth" or even fulfilling the mission of the church, but I do. One of the hassles I have is that I am on the "edge" of orthodoxy in my understandings of the faith, and it's a bit hard fitting into orthodox expectations. Anyway I suspect I will stay in ministry, my sense of "call" (don't ask me to explain that?) still out weighs a longing for an easier life. I am aware that Space2B, Drop-in centre, chaplaincy links and church directions will suffer if I moved on elsewhere. .. I would let a lot of people down.

Exercising

The highlights of my week have been exercise. Last Monday afternoon I went into Swampy Summit and enjoyed my walk/run. On Wednesday night my wife dropped me at a point about 11k from home and I jogged home around the side of the harbour. It was such an enjoyable experience I wondered why I have not done it before. I will do it again. Late on Saturday afternoon I went for a much more uncomfortable 9k run in the wind, but you can polish a sermon while running and I was pleased to be able to do it. Today I ventured in running gear up to Swampy summit again. On Monday I deleted 30 minutes off the time I had done it before and I thought that was pretty good. Tonight I improved even on that by 10 minutes. (2hours 15 minutes) It is so good being 62 years old, still fit and improving. With my dad's early death, and my lack of exercise in my 30's, I never thought it would happen to me, but I am so grateful for my health at the moment.

Compliments now?

This morning was weird. I conducted a good service, but in my mind as I sang the benediction was the thought that I may not be doing this for much longer. After the service we went into morning tea. Some visitors to the service came to me and were glowing in their feedback. One in particular went to great lengths to say how good it was and he seemed a thoughtful guy. One guy said he had a "gift"... I guess of discernment. He told me he could see "the light of Christ shining out" of me, "you do so much good for a lot of people". I don't know what to make of all that sort of thing, I know who I am, and mostly I am a bit mixed up. My wife, who knows my dark side better than anyone, said she could understand that comment. But the thing was that virtually everyone I spoke to oozed compliments. Some went out of their way to come over to tell me. People talked to my wife and said good things too. Why now? When I am thinking of leaving? And they don't know that? Interesting..... and hard to handle.

I used this old poem recited by a man who was a base singer for Elvis Presley in today's service. It is called, "The touch of the Master's hand".

The Insatiable Moon and other waffle..

I went to the film "The Insatiable Moon" tonight. It is a story about a boarding house where mental health patients reside in Ponsonby in Auckland. I loved the film and its various characters. I "know" lots of people like them, both the "patients" and the other characters. There was a suicide in the film and the funeral after. That was a bit close to the bone. Two friends of mine have committed suicide in the last 18 months. There was a vicar in the film who was discovering a whole new world among the people in the boarding house. I laughed. He was preparing his sermon, doodling on the side of the paper when one patient knocked on his door. "Oh f#*k, f---, f---." he said, then went to the door with his "vicar's smile" on saying "How can I help?" My wife dug me in the ribs, and knew I sometimes express very unchristian expletives at such times.

There was another scene when the vicar told this man that he had helped him to decide on resigning. He then said, "Without you I don't know how long I would have stayed buried in this job." That's what I sometimes feel. Buried in a job charged with trying to keep an out dated institution alive. Anyway if you get a chance go see it, I enjoyed it, but then I could identify so much with the characters, atmosphere and the issues it raised. You may go and say, "Huh? What's the point?"

About that job I thought of applying for. I got an answer back from my enquiry. They really don't pay enough! I would find the drop in pay too great to cope with. This is an issue in itself. I really feel for the guys who work in the firm. They don't get a fair wage in my opinion.

So I better read that article... "Take this job and love it!" ... Now where did I throw that thing???

Monday meanderings...

Bullet proof???

There were things that concerned me at the start of today. I wanted to dig over a patch of ground that I started a week or two ago. I have had a troubled back. Even when I dug a hole to bury our cat the other night my back began to hurt. So I was dreading digging this patch of ground. My dread was not that the back hurts really bad, but if it happens so easily it means that I AM getting old and frail. For years I have been bullet proof. I have been able to dig for hours and not worry. I could mix concrete, or dig holes, or lift heavy building stuff for hours, others would complain of back problems but not me. But this year my back has "gone out" and caused problems. The reason I dread a habitual bad back is that I have an acre of ground here. Apart from a not very well looked after vegetable garden, I cannot do much with it at the moment, my life is too full of other activity. But I am looking forward to three years time when I retire, and I can show the world how self-sufficient one can be on an acre. My fear is that in three years time I will not be fit enough to enjoy my acre! I may be too old and frail to do all that I will want to do. So I was fearful that digging this patch of ground might confirm that my back can't take it any more.

The second thing I discovered was that the application form for this possible job asks about backs and heavy lifting. It asks if you have had any injury from heavy lifting. It asks if you have had days off in your current employment, and how many and what for? It asks if you have had ACC (Accident Compensation Corporation) claims? Now it just so happens that a few months ago I had a day off work, my first sick day in years. It was for a back injury that happened at work and I did go to a physiotherapist, and he claimed through ACC. That will not look good on an application form, especially lined up with my age... 62. People looking at that will think "an unfit old man with back problems! We wont touch him!" No matter that I can still run a reasonable distance. It won't matter that it was my first day off in years. It just won't look good.

Well I dug a patch of ground today. Then I planted a full row of potatoes in another patch of ground. When I finished I realised I had been perspiring quite readily. I worked hard, but apart from a healthy tired feel, my back stayed together fine and feels good. My confidence in my physical ability to work has increased. Maybe I will get to enjoy my acre in three years time after all?

A great walk...

After my gardening efforts I wanted some aerobic exercise. I decided that rather than just walking up my mountain, Mount Cargill, I would try another walk I had not tried for quite a few months. I went up to a car park that is called "the Bullring". From there I walked up to a summit that overlooks the city called Flagstaff. It was about a 20 minute walk. I carried on past that, to where it joins the "Pineapple Track" then went across to join the "Swampy Summit ridge track". I walked into the Swampy Summit micro-wave towers. I stopped briefly there to have a drink and some fruit, then headed back along the track, coming back to the "Bullring" along the Firebreak track. Last time I did this walk I thought I did it fairly fast and completed it in just five minutes (I think) under the three hour mark. Today I really pushed myself. As I came up to the towers I realised I had sweat running down my face and dripping off my chin; I was walking while holding the straps of my back pack and sweat was dripping off my elbows. On the way down I jogged a few places where the track was not so rough. I was back at my van in 2 hours twenty five minutes! I was so wrapped! I knew as I went up the steep hills involved that I was handling them a way better than the time before. It felt good to actually be fitter. My mountain climbing, my jogging and my biking are paying off. I may be getting older but I am still doing OK!

It is funny how easily your confidence in your abilities can be shaken and you can decide you're past it. I was pleased, that in both my gardening and my exercise, I experienced the opposite today. (Though I have had cramp while sitting at this desk.)

Now this application for a new job? What am I to do?

I loved walking in the tussock country today. Ever since I was a boy and wandered around my uncle's high country sheep run, tussock country gives me a feeling of freedom. But as I came to a junction in the track today, I remembered that in my life I am at a junction. Do I give up on my career in the church and take an easier secular job? Or do I hang in there in spite of setbacks and difficulties? The application form sits beside me now on my desk. I have not heard back from my last enquiry. I wanted to know how much per hour they were paying. I expect a decrease in wages, but I need to know by how much. Watch this space.

Photos:

-The "pretty city" (Dunedin) from Flagstaff summit.

-Hills and tussock country "free my spirit".

-There is a line of old fence posts just off the track. I would love to know who put them there, when and why?

-My goal... a micro wave tower on Swampy Summit.

Ministry/chaplaincy blues.

I have had an emotionally draining week.

Depression and stress experiences.

I have just watched a short documentary on John Kirwin's struggle with depression. (Once an All Black rugby winger- perhaps the best in the world - now a coach of the Japanese rugby team) As I watched I had a lump in my throat because I could identify with so much he talked about, though certainly I do not have the depth of depression he had. I talked with a person this week suffering from stress. Again I could identify with so much. I thought "Why talk with me? If I knew the answers I wouldn't be in the state I get myself in." I was sitting up the other morning at 3:15 a.m. exploring different sites on my computer, (second life info - good grief) because I had been in bed since around 11, but had not been able to sleep. I have had my son leave to live overseas. I have had some difficult chaplaincy situations to think about. We had our cat die and there never seems enough hours in the day. I recognise there is a cumulative impact of a series of things happening over a short period of time. Anyway, all this to tell you, I have struggled emotionally toward the end of the week.

Things I cannot change..

I have on my wall beside me here the "Serenity prayer". "God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." I struggle in the church because there are some things I cannot change. I believe they damage the work of the church and I can't do anything about them! I admit that in spite of this lovely sounding prayer, I do not have "Serenity" about them. I say to myself, "What's the use? Why try?" and every week they get me fuming inside.... no "serenity" there!

People I struggle to cope with.

This week I learned that I have to come to terms with the fact that I find myself getting angry in the presence of two different individuals. It is not that those individuals are currently doing anything wrong. In fact today one was being nice and complimentary and I found I was still getting angry. I have had deep differences of opinion with these two people. I thought I had "got over" the differences and moved on. In my head I have said, "Oh well you win some, you lose some." My head says one thing, my heart another. I was surprised at my inner reactions in their presence... anger which I dare not vent, but which then contributes to depression. I have to deal with this.... somehow. I do try to be a nice accepting tolerant sort of guy. The issues impact on the lives of others though and I struggle with that. I need to do some "inner work".

I keep on trying though...

In spite of the fact that I have had to battle these sorts of "inner demons" I do keep trying to do my best. As I prepare for each Sunday I ask myself, "What is the best way I can present these concepts?" I can open almost any gospel reading and think of a sermon I have done before on that.... so I could take life easy. But I don't. I still go about re-studying the passage. I explore commentaries. I look for resources. I spend time thinking things through in a fresh way. I think what I present generally is of a high standard. Even in my down times, I persist and perhaps even more intensely, try to do my best. Today I was warmed by an arm. As I finished the service a lovely, loving, wise elderly man who I respect and love immensely was walking near me. He moved closer, reached his arm over to my shoulder, shook it then rubbing my back looked at me, smiled and nodded his affirmation, then just moved on. Not a word was said, but I could feel his appreciation and the deep recognition of what I had presented. Today that gesture was worth everything.

Others opt out...

I talked to a man who is resigning his top job to get an easier one. At his stage in life he decided this was what he should do. I was a jealous of him, it would be so nice. His reasoning seemed very sound and sensible.

Other options...

I went to a chaplaincy where there is a man whose wife is the HR person for a firm in town. He saw me arrive and said, "Your future job is being advertised, if you want it." He had at different times talked to his wife about me and once a few years ago I had applied for and was offered a job at this firm. At that point I had turned it down, but this new job now is right up my alley. I made enquiries via email and as I ran past the place tonight I picked up an application form. It is sooo tempting.

I doubt I'll have the courage to do it. ... A country song on a CD in my van goes, "Take this job and shove it. I ain't working here no more!" I love to sing that with great gusto. I was tidying my study the other night and picked up an article I had photo copied from some where... it's title... "Take this job and love it!" ... Annoyed, I threw it in a drawer and said, "Yeah right!" Perhaps I should get it out and read it?

Photos of our cat Wai...

Wai died on Tuesday... I have been home alone tonight and have missed her presence. I found these photos on an old computer.

"Godly" spam.

There is a man around town who is a "greasy kleptomaniac". I have known him for years and when ever he is in my office, car or church I keep an eye on everything he touches. The thing that annoys me about him is that he will keep saying to me in the most earnest tones, "Bless you David." or "David can I have a blessing off you?" and if I do he will say goodbye and back away repeating, "Bless you David. Bless you. God bless ....David." The more he blesses me the more I wonder what he has stolen! Sometimes he will be effusive with his blessings then get to the point... "Can I have a wee bit of money... say $20.... I just need it to.... I'm a bit short because..." I never give him money these days. Now I am used to people trying to bludge money off me, I can say "no" without falling out with the person most often. What annoys me about this guy is that he is using religion "blessing me" just to get material gain. He will bless me with one breath and if he thinks he can get away with it, steal from me in the next. THAT annoys me! Give me a straight up honest bludger any day. Greasy ones, using religion to try to get what they want piss me off... woops sorry "Annoy me". To me it is low. It is using "God", using a man's faith, and using a false "friendship" to get money. Even if we don't believe, I think we should respect the faith of another. (Let me say that down-and-out people are not the only ones doing this. I have seen advertising sales people, insurance agents, car sales people and real estate agents who are just as low and greasy... in my book.)

In line with this I hate spam mail... full stop... but I really hate spam mail that starts, "Dearly beloved in Christ", "Dear Christ's one" or "My dear brother.... I have chosen you because of your love of the Lord..." That to me is low. I can't do anything about it... but let this be my gripe session. They are greasy low people who do these things. I struggle to respect them. They degrade faith, they degrade me, and they degrade God. Most of all, they degrade themselves! (I know some of my readers may say there are plenty of preachers/evangelists who use religion for money grabbing purposes, ... they too are VERY low. ) Enough said... my gripe for the week.

Goodbye little cat...

I have just come in from digging a hole in the paddock and burying our cat. I wish I could remember the date we got her. I know it was on February 6th (Waitangi Day) and it must have been somewhere between 15 & 20 years ago. My wife went for a walk up the road near the local rubbish tip. Two little kittens came out of the long grass beside the road and followed her home... and of course, with all the animal loving kids at home then, we kept them both. We figured that they seemed used to human company, so someone must have just dumped them as unwanted kittens near the tip. This one, female, grey tabby one, was called Wai. The black male one was called Tangi. They grew up in our lounge. The black one never really learned to clean itself and for the early part of its life Wai would sit by the fire cleaning her brother, (we assume they were brother and sister) licking his fur tirelessly. As they grew they stopped being really close friends and sometimes would hiss at one another. But they were good. Our severely handicapped foster daughter Pania, delighted in the cats and would beam all over when Wai would jump up on her lap. They chased rats near the hen house and kept the mouse population on our acre under control. Wai never grew to be very big, but was a great wee mouse hunter. If we saw a mouse in the house we would drop Wai near where it was last seen and she would chase it down, and was so quick to pounce on it as it made it's escape across the floor. All we had to do was open the back door and stand aside as she raced her catch outside. We often had to clean Tangi's fur, it would get matted and cause problems. He, though he was "fixed", fought neighbouring cats and often got scars and infections from the battles. A few years ago he got a bad eye and had other infections and troubles, so we let the vet "put him to sleep". Wai became our only cat.

She could always find the warmest place in the house. If the heat pump was on she sat in the hall opposite it, enjoying the warmth. If the fire was on she sat, flat on her back in front of the fire. Sometimes she would look at the log burner, and look at me as if to say, "Come on you haven't lit the fire!" She had the loudest purr I have ever heard from a cat. Sometimes she would sleep on a dining chair under the table and you would hear this strange noise seemingly coming from the table. She loved sitting on your lap but unfortunately she had a couple of habits that discouraged this practice. She would get on your lap then begin to make a nest by pushing on your thighs, legs or "nether regions" with her paws,..... claws out. The other habit she had was when she was really happy, sitting on your lap purring, she would dribble copiously. You learned to get an old news paper, then invite her onto your lap, which was more comfortable for you, but not for her.

Lately she has been sleeping inside at night. My son and daughter in law were soft and had her sleeping on their bed on the lounge floor for a week after we got back from our big OE. After that she claimed her spot on the couch and we were too soft to put her out. (We have a cat door into the garage and an old chair out there for her) Last night we did put her outside. My wife was doing the deed, but Wai pushed at me with her paw, as if she blamed me for this indignity. We found her near the vegetable garden tonight and it looked as if she had met a violent end. A couple of neighbourhood dogs were in the backyard this morning? There are other younger cats around the area who may have chased her? She was slowing up considerably and a chase she once would have relished, may have been too much for her.

We enjoy animals and have had so many over the years. Cats, dogs, goats, guinea pigs, rabbits, a couple of lambs, once a possum, birds, a duck, fish and of course hens have all been a part of our family. While we enjoy them, we are not the type that treat them as "our children" like some do. But we do appreciate their different personalities and the contribution they make to our life. "Goodbye old friend" you have gone where all of us eventually go, but you will be missed. We will miss your presence in front of the fire and the comforting purring sound.