The journey continues...

View of the "Pretty City" Dunedin, from my Mountain top yesterday.

Ex firefighters hosted by current firefighters for a pre-christmas dinner. I was privileged to be invited.

I am enjoying the re-read years after my first read.

Walking with a friend this afternoon. She took this interesting photo of a creek near a reservoir.

Another Funeral
On Monday I took the funeral for a man who died still too young from cancer.  It was the second St John Ambulance related funeral in the last few weeks. I spent an incredible amount of time in preparation for the funeral. It did not go as well as I wanted but nobody else knew that.  I have received so much very positive feedback. I am good at funerals, but I think it is more difficult for me now than it used to be. I think when I was young I tended to confidently present what I thought was a pretty good funeral. It was OK, but each funeral was not tailored as much for each family. I was then, "God's gift to the Church." These days I am much more sensitive and aware of others' needs, so I make it much more difficult for myself.  I am very sensitive to each family's needs and demand of myself a very high standard. Each funeral is a nerve wracking experience for me, but it is so good when you know you have not just been "the minister" but that you have actually ministered. 
Still growing...
I am reading more theology and books about recent biblical interpretation. I have been enjoying an ongoing study of Jesus. I think I a have become an amateur "Jesus Scholar" or theologian.  It is all part of my journey as a follower of Jesus. I love being able to still grow and adventure in my faith journey. I love that my experience of following Jesus has a consistency and for me a sensibleness for me. My theology is a part of my life. It is interesting lately that I have gone back to reading the Theology text book we had in College in the 1970's, "Principles of Christian Theology". I recall that we had to do essays related to a few chapters in the book. My essays were late because I decided that, to understand it best, I had to read the whole book and not just the chapters we had to respond to. I enjoyed the book back then and my copy has so much underlining in it that shows my appreciation of it. He is an existentialist and systematic theologian. Over the years I have dipped into it fairly regularly, and reread bits relating to subjects I have been exploring.  I am enjoying it again, but strangely understanding it better and able to dialogue with it more. I am different than I was when I was in my 20's. I recall being disappointed when he got to the last section of his book, "Applied Theology". I wonder how I will find that section now after 40 odd years applying theology. 
But some don't keep growing...
I need help. I listen to sermons locally on Sundays. I have given up trying to look madly supportive and interested. It took heaps of inner strength not to yell "Bullshit!" last Sunday. These parsons are lazy about preparation and have poor presentations skills. But it has become evident that they are not still growing... they have confused thinking, old fashioned perspectives and disjointed theology. To any young ministers reading this, for God's sake, keep growing, learning and tying life together. Your experiences in life, your reading and your theology must be tied together and current and "burning" in your inner being.... not something from the 1950's.  Keep journeying!  .... I am still perplexed what to do about this local church. Do I stir things up or just quietly move elsewhere?
So fortunate...
I love the variety in my life. I visit a brewery nearly every week. I talk with and sometimes ride with ambulance paramedics. I am part of the culture and family of the Fire station and sometimes ride the fire trucks. I have a friend who trains racing trotters and visit his stables often. I get to climb and walk in the local bush. I enjoy fresh vegetables from my garden. I do DIY stuff and build. I have competed in half marathons and triathlons. I have dabbled in painting pictures... etc... Tomorrow I go to a friend's yacht. I am looking forward to this new adventure. I am so privileged to have this variety of experience in my life.   

How is retirement? - Good and bad

 I have so many people when they first see me ask this question, “How is retirement?”  I have only been retired 16 days! … and even then I have had a funeral and have been sorting through “work” stuff.  But let me share current feelings with you. Retirement, even if it is looked forward to involves grief and one of the “stages” of grief is anger.  Mixed in with all the feelings of retirement I am also dealing with feelings of anger.

Retirement is good – I am finding that I am sleeping very soundly. Over recent years I have been waking in the early hours and have had my mind going flat tack for several hours before dozing off again, if I got to doze off at all. Since retirement happened I have been sleeping well. I played around with a blood pressure monitor a couple of days ago and I am sure my blood pressure has dropped considerably.  I have been doing various projects and chores around the house. Whenever I did projects before I had but one day a week to complete them in, so I worked always in a rushed manner. I found myself working at the same frenzied pace with projects since retirement, then I would pull myself together and say to myself, “You have tomorrow and the next day to do this. Slow down and enjoy doing it at a more relaxed pace!”

Retirement sucks. –  I drove away from the Lookout Point fire station the other day and automatically set a course for my office at the Church. It was a habit of many years… finish chaplaincy and head back to the office before heading home. Part way there I remembered… I have no office in town now! On the light side I have no free park, coffee making facilities and toilet available in the centre of the city – retirement means I have lost those perks. But the day I put my Church keys in the Church safe and left the building for good I was sad.

•   I had enjoyed an office in town with a computer, printer and photocopier, which has been a centre for a lot of work for the Church, Habitat for Humanity and for the Dunedin Night Shelter Trust. It was a place where people from my chaplaincies, drop-in centre, Habitat, Night Shelter Trust, church members, or people from the community could call in, have a cup of tea and have access to me.  There I have counselled, listened to marriage woes, discussed wedding plans, offered support, built relationships and planned projects. It was a base for good in the centre of the city. I will miss that.
• As I looked at the Church building, I thought about the many relationships established there. No longer would I play table tennis, hug John, joke, encourage, scold, and tease my friends at the drop-in centre. I have enjoyed building friendships with people on the edges of Church life, at Space2B, new folk in the congregation, users of the building and others.  Through this building and my work I have continued relationships with Church members, many I have known since my childhood. I will miss these in a profound way.
•   I will no longer enjoy the creative buzz of crafting a Church service, bringing together music, film clips, prayers and reflections so that they communicate in an interesting way.  I will miss that.
•    I had a dream of slowly building a different model of Church, a creative community centre that fudged the lines between Church and Community. We went part of the way toward that, but the job seemed unfinished.

As I drove away I thought of all the good things I would miss about being a minister and I was sad. I was part of a force for good in the middle of the city. Through this institution and these buildings I expressed myself and my passions.  I can look back with pride. But… there is a sense in which I ask, “Who am I now?”

Then I asked myself, “If it was so good, why am I retiring? Why not continue doing the good there?”

Here is my answer…

•        I am 65 and for years I have worked 6 days a week and been on call 24/7. It is time to have more free time to explore different things life has to offer. I owe it to myself, my wife and my family.
•        My denomination has changed. Change is a must and inevitable, but I happen to think some important emphases have been lost and some destructive approaches adopted. When a minister can no longer feel good about his denomination it is time to find another job. .. I have grown weary of the battle.
•          My dream for the Church and my concept of “Church” is very different than the traditional and even contemporary “imperialistic” views of the Church. There is always going to be frustration and uneasiness between “normal” church people and leaders and me. I have grown weary of the battle.
•         As part of this tension there were a couple of people in different leadership positions that I found hard to work with.  I found it difficult to find a forum to talk the issues through. Also we found that while the general congregation, allowed me to do different stuff, there was not a heap of people willing to really get involved in the work.  (even 27 years ago when they were much younger.) I used to laugh. Many would say with pride, “We are a community minded Church!” Under my breath I would say, “Well no - there are a few of us busting our gut to be a community minded Church – most are passengers.” – I have grown weary of the battle.
•         I hate the organ. I found that I was increasingly repulsed by its sound and there was an unwillingness to change. (A survey showed 95% of NZ’ers dislike organ music) I felt it’s heaviness and dominance caused harm to the atmosphere I was trying to create in worship … I have grown weary of the battle. (Having said that I attended a worship service on Sunday with an organ. It was there, assisted the singing well but was almost beautifully unnoticed because of the sensitive way it was played. – In my view musical instruments whatever your choice, in worship are meant to be like a referee in rugby, he is there doing an important job, but not dominating the play.)

     I could go on or go into more detail, but that is enough negativity. I became a minister largely because I perceived a gap between the Church and real life for people in the community. I have a book entitled, “The reality of the world and the unreality of the Churches.” The title expresses my concern.  I am pleased to say that we bridged that gap in all sorts of ways. While I would have dearly wished for more, I am pleased with what we achieved. In the final half of my career I was exploring and trying to get the Church to focus on the servant ministry of Jesus in the community. I wanted us to ask the question, “What does it mean for us as followers of Jesus to express our following as a group?”  The default questions seem to be “how do we survive/grow as an institution?” – These are very different issues so it was always going to be a battle. Over all there has been little conflict, mainly because I tried to take frustratingly small steps toward change, and, perhaps because I am a coward, I avoided conflict and most often bit my tongue and seethed inside. – but the changes have not been enough, the job is unfinished and … I have grown weary of the battle.

I guess others will have different viewpoints on my career, and I am deeply aware I have many weaknesses and failings.

Revisiting trauma - We have received a few phone calls from a church leader seeking information. Sometimes in conversation people want to discuss our Church. At the moment, in spite of all the good things we enjoyed in ministry, when such conversation happens it is like the opening up of old wounds, or revisiting a traumatic experience. I avoid even driving past the building. Anger and sadness emerges within me. That is part of the grieving process and it will change.

Henri Nouwen wrote a book about “ministry” appropriately entitled “The wounded healer.” A sentence from that indicates a feeling I have often had in my forty years of church ministry.  “Many Churches decorated with words announcing salvation and new life are often little more than parlours for those who feel comfortable in the old life, and who are not likely to let any words change their stone hearts into furnaces where swords can be cast into plough shares, and spears into pruning hooks.”

"I'm glad I have been a church minister!"

"I'm glad I have been a Church minister!" Did I say that? Shock horror! Here I am looking forward to retirement so much so that my Skype mood indicator has "26 Sundays to go" and after tomorrow it will read "25 Sundays..". Every week that I have been a minister I have felt like resigning. I began in ministry uneasy with the traditional teachings of the Church. I have lived in ministry questioning these. I have moved to a very "on-the-edge-of-being-Christian" spiritual place where I prefer to call myself a follower of Jesus. I have been and am continually frustrated by the traditional priorities of the Church. The institution, the buildings the "politics" often turn me off! I have a really secular ministry. And yet... I said that?
Last Monday my wife and I were having a quick lunch at a food court in a mall in town. We were talking about the events of the weekend, commenting on the various food outlets, I was "people-watching" (A favourite pastime) and we were chatting about retirement.  It was in this context that I blurted out, "I'm glad I have been a church minister."  As I look back on the variety of experiences I have had, I would not have had them in any other job. I look back at the variety of people whose lives I have been involved in. No other career would have led me to those encounters. I have been able to help instigate a Habitat for Humanity affiliate, a night shelter trust, some innovative community groups and events, our drop-in centre and our Space 2B with the life enhancing groups attached to it. I have travelled the country with my family in a caravan visiting a great variety of locations. I have been chaplain to the fire service, a brewery, a newspaper, and an ambulance service. I have been involved critical incident work in a bank, a scrap metal yard, a concrete prefabricator, a road contractor, an airplane workshop, a pistol club, a wool scouring plant and fire stations in various locations. Today I had morning tea in a race horse stable, rode a tractor and talked to horses. I could go on.
If I was a plumber or a social worker my life would never have had the great variety of experiences I have had. More importantly, I would never have had the in-depth encounters with such a great variety of people and enjoyed their friendships. ( e.g. I visited three fire stations yesterday afternoon and came away from each feeling really privileged to have had the conversations and encounters I had.) I doubt I would have been able to look back and say with the same sense of satisfaction, "I have made a difference in people's living."  It has been hard. I have been like a square peg in a round hole. It has been (at least for me because of my personality) an incredibly busy and stressful existence. But I can say looking back, "I am glad I have been a Church minister." It has been a hell of a journey... so far.
Having said that, in six months time, I will be glad to preach my last sermon, walk off the church platform, clean out my Church office, return the key to the appropriate church elder and walk away to different life adventures as a really retired Church minister and still a follower of Jesus.

Only if you have to...

I received a CD in the mail today. It is a special CD, because it is recorded by the daughter of an Australian friend of mine, who died about this time last year. On the cover she writes that the CD "is dedicated to the memory of my dad". I knew it was coming and opened the packet and read the details on the cover booklet. To my surprise tears came to my eyes, a lump came in my throat and a tear rolled down my cheek. Later I was in a bit more of a mess listening to the last song which was in memory of her dad, and had a bit of him playing his violin on it! Why was I so easily provoked to tears? I had a 37 year friendship with her dad, but it was a year ago that he died, one would think I would have got used to the harsh reality by now? While riding my bike this afternoon I got to stewing on my tearful reaction and below is my diagnosis.

It is my feeling that the CD and it's impact opened up other wounds just below the surface of my life, wounds that come from the fact that I am a "reluctant" minister/chaplain. My wife reckons that there should never be such a job, that the expectations of a minister make for an impossible job. ( I read a job description written by a church wanting a part time minister during the week. I had to chuckle. I am not sure that even the angel Gabriel could fulfill their idealistic requirements! But they are all like that, a waste of the paper they are written on.) Here are some of the "wounds" below the surface.

* As a chaplain/minister I have had all sorts of reactions that show prejudice and dislike, just because you are a representative of "Christianity".  "Hello, I am Dave Brown the new chaplain." I have said. The response, an abrupt spin on the heals and walk off, or one time that was preceded by, "I couldn't give a stuff!".... or "Tell someone who cares."  In other circumstances, sometimes even a sarcastic "almost-but-not-joking" sort of way, all sorts of weird hurtful comments are made, when a group learns you are a minister. The way ministers are often ridiculed on TV, is often emulated in real life, even though the people do not know you as a person.

*As a minister you invest your "person" into your work. When I was a plumber the success of my work depended on my plumbing skills. These were "external" learned skills that I was good at. If I failed, it was my skill in question, but not "me". As a minister/chaplain you put yourself "out there". Rejection or misunderstanding is not just rejection of your skill or work, but some how rejection of you as a person. Each Sunday as I lead worship I share my faith, I bare my inner soul in front of people. I have to word things so that I don't offend others perspectives too much, but have to try still to be true to myself. The success of my chaplaincy work depends so much on my personality, and if there are difficulties "I" feel the pain.  

*In my denomination with its correct emphasis on the involvement of lay people, unfortunately you have a whole lot of opinions as to how the church should be run, readily expressed. There is little recognition that you have indeed been trained to do a job, everybody's opinion is as good as yours. Sometimes this can verge on being offensive. I have had recently a man, a retired professional, telling me what to do in sometimes cutting words, ways that are designed to belittle my style and hurt. He refuses to listen to a different perspective. Inside I want to hit back, and point out his ignorance and arrogance. I want to yell at him that I have studied for 6 years, and still study to know how to minister. I want to suggest that I perhaps have more theological understanding than he has? Would he like me telling him how to do his profession? But, as a good minister, I must benignly accept the pain, disagree or ignore the advice in a "nice" way.  I try my best to do this, (not just with him) but the barbs still hurt. I have often thought of the way people treat ministers at wedding times. When it comes to appointments to sort out the wedding or rehearsals people are seldom on time. I had one couple turn up three quarters of an hour late for a rehearsal, and did not even apologise! I had other appointments and work to do that night. The thing that irks is that they would not do it when visiting their lawyer, the dentist or the builder! How come it is acceptable with the minister?

* In ministry you take on board the hurts of people. Every funeral is a grief experience for you as you share empathetically with the family. Every broken marriage you are involved in you feel something of their failure. When a member of our drop-in centre ends up in prison, I feel like I let them down. As a chaplain and minister often the hurts and hardships of the people I mix with are felt also by me. I know people say I should be more "detached" and "professional" but that's crap. If you care at all, you end up sharing some of the pain. You have to learn to deal with it, but its one of the wounds.

* In ministry you feel the pain of the world. I am in the job because deep in my "soul" I want to make the world a better place. When I see, read or hear of the distortions in the world at large, I feel the pain. That murder in the news causes an ache in my heart. That young hood sent to prison, I don't see a nasty kid, but a mixed up boy, and a life tragically wasted. Even the "show biz" news hurts, I see the stupid distortion of values that are expressed, and know that hurt lives will result from them. It is this sort of "pain" that gives me fire in the belly, a reason to keep trying to make a difference, but it is still "pain". I understand how Jesus could survey the city of Jerusalem and cry for the people.

* In ministry you work in an institution that often sees itself as being the purpose for your existence and an end in itself. Your ideals can be of the church as a servant community making a difference in the world. Their perspectives are of an institution serving their wants and needs.  You want an ongoing search for relevance, opportunity and service, they want stability, comfort and security. Ministry can be an incredibly frustrating job, you are called to move a very human institution to try to get it to do challenging and divine things.

Yet, even though I have frequently tried, I can't opt out. It is, whether I like it or not, my "calling" ... All of the above are some of the wounds I experience in ministry, and I guess lately they have "backed up" and my tears flowed when the CD arrived because its reminders exposed the yet-to-be-dealt-with hurts that are there. It is also true that my friend who died was one of the few people in my life who could understand the wounds of ministry. 

I know a number of retired ministers who I would gauge as having the effects of post traumatic stress. Somehow the wounds of ministry have caught up with them when they have stopped, and they are still suffering the accumulated stress. One man wrote a book about ministry and called it "The Wounded healer". 

Anyway... I think that's one of the reasons I cried when the beautiful and meaningful CD arrived. Having said all that about ministry, there are deep, powerful, fulfilling rewards in doing what you are called to do. I attended a retirement "do" for a firefighter the other day. As he finished his speech he said, "It's a great job, I would recommend it to anyone interested." I could not say that about ministry. My words would be, "Do it, but do it only if you really have to!" ... and I do.

What a privilege!

I had a phone call from one of the guys in one of my chaplaincies. His dad died and would I take the funeral. Of course I said "Yes" but with the Christmas dinner looming, a new chaplaincy just started, stuff to do for the Night Shelter and the Habitat house to finish, I need a funeral like a hole in the head.

Tonight I met with the family. His two children, his sister and their partners. We had a cup of tea and sat around the dining table and I asked questions about the deceased. ... and they talked, told stories, laughed, choked up, laughed some more. Two hours later I then said, "What about the funeral? What will we do?" ... and we planned the next stages.

Ministers who are reading this (if any do) will know that feeling of a real sense of privilege as this family has let you into their inner circle and shared themselves with you. You have been an honorary friend of the family and allowed in to the story of their life. You have had the joy of making connections with people.... and there is something deep, sacred and fulfilling about that. 

I hate my job sometimes and wonder why I do it and how I can get out of it....  I get stressed to the max... but I would not miss a session like tonight, there was warmth and love engendered and exposed. And I was part of that!.... I love my job. Weird???