"Give me some men who are stout hearted men..."

I watched a rugby Test
Lately I have been very worried and stressed out about the Night Shelter. My wife has been keen to visit my family members in beautiful Central Otago, so insisted that a trip away from Dunedin would do me good. We drove into Central on Saturday morning and drove home again via a different route on Monday morning.  We had Saturday evening meal with my two Central Otago brothers and their wives in Cromwell. It was the first time we had spent decent time together this year.  We stayed at my brother's lifestyle block near Alexandra and on Sunday morning I got to watch the final All Black Rugby test for the year.  They were playing the Welsh team, and my brother and I got up early to watch the game. (They have Sky TV - something we do not have.)  It certainly is a nice part of the country and I enjoyed the company, the scenery and the break.

The Clyde Dam and surrounding hills in Central Otago.

An historic country store.

Richie McCaw heroic NZ All Black rugby legend. 

This is retirement?
I am chairman of the local Night Shelter Trust. It is hard going at the moment. There are always issues just in the day to day running of the shelter. It is really the nature of the beast, the people we deal with and the agencies we relate to.  We have also got a further project called Phoenix lodge where ex-prisoners have guided accommodation as they restart their lives. We are trying to run both on a shoestring budget. We have to rely on grants we apply for and people who donate funds. We are also in the midst of trying to raise a big amount of money to purchase our buildings. There is endless work with that and a deadline of next October to have at least $595,000 in the building purchase account. But the latest issue to emerge recently is that because of the timing of grant applications we could have a cash flow problem over the Christmas/ New Year period. We will have to pay rent and staff wages and it looks like in a couple of months we could be $12000 short before new funds come in.  I came back from my overseas trip looking forward to retirement. In my mind I looked forward to gardening, walking, biking, maybe some rock fishing and doing some free time stuff as well as have this Night Shelter Trust responsibility and the few hours of chaplaincy I have each week. It is not turning out that way. The work component of my life is all consuming.  It is not just the work involved, but the stress. I am out of my comfort zone. There are so many uncertainties. I find myself awake at night stressing out about the problems. This is not retirement as I thought it would be! I had envisaged a time when I could get enough exercise, more balance and fewer stressors so that I could get on top of my blood pressure issues! Even as I type this there are emails coming in from Trustees with opinions and "things we should do".
Give it up!
At a meeting we had with an ex mayor recently he said, "If it is not fun,... if you are out of your comfort zone.. if you feel like it's a duty then you should not be doing it!" ... I grinned and under my breath said, "Well that's me out!" When this latest crisis emerged I really felt like giving up. I had asked about the issue a month earlier because I can read the numbers, but had received assurances that it would be OK. Now, however, I am stressed to the max trying to muster funds for the shelter to survive.  The other day I found myself saying, "I can't do this! I'm going to give up!" ... But I do not see a queue of people to pass the ball to?
Two encouraging messages...
I got up at 3 a.m. the other night stewing about the Night Shelter predicament. It is a bad look running out of money! My ever patient wife made a hot drink and offered comforting words. "We have had 40 odd years of ministry with all sorts of projects. You have helped establish Habitat for Humanity in Dunedin, building thirteen houses. We did twenty five Christmas Day dinners... You will work your way through this too!" My Night Shelter mate John in an email reminded us of the saying.. "When the going gets tough, the tough get going!"  Then I read about Richie McCaw the current All Black captain. He is captain of the All Black rugby team. He has just played his 100th test as captain. I know rugby is not known throughout the world, but in anyone's book he is a top world class athlete and leader. But after a defeat of his team in his 23rd game as captain that put New Zealand out of the World Cup, he nearly gave up. Here is a report about that time...

"I questioned whether I was good enough to do it or the right person to do it," he said this week, reflecting on a low point of his stellar career.

Confiding with his parents was followed by a period of soul-searching as the fallout from the tournament swirled around him.

Finally came the realisation he would have a lifetime of regret if he walked away from the job.

"You can either man up and get on with it or drift away and remember that experience as one you couldn't handle," he told NZ Newswire.

In the past when it got tough to do stuff I have dug deep and continued. I have persevered when others flagged. I have decided to do that once again with the night shelter.
The second message came as I was flicking through some films I have stored on my computer. I have Barbara Streisand singing, "Give me some men who are stout hearted men, who will fight for the right they adore. Start me with ten who are stout hearted men, and I'll soon give you ten thousand more." We used to sing that at secondary school assemblies. It is the whole concept of a team working together for a good purpose. I am part of that. I love being part of the Night Shelter Trust team.  I have enjoyed friendship there as together we have tackled issues. More than that, we are starting to see the people of the city take ownership of the Night Shelter. There are groups and individuals wanting to do things to help finance us or support us in some way, and a part of the stress of my job as chairman has been actually finding ways to fit people in.  I will continue because I am part of a team of very special people. It is not retirement as I envisaged it, but that time will come. Just now the Night Shelter needs any help it can get, even from average me.

"Not too bad for an old man."

Who is that old grey haired man looking into the distance?
(At Oban Scotland) 

Coming toward the end of the pathway of life. (At Oban)

When people ask me the question, "How are you?" one of my stock phrases which I use too often is, "Not too bad for an old man!" I want to share two interesting aspects about getting old. 
You have to stop living life in the future.
I am reading a novel, a bit of a contrived novel because it is written by the New Testament scholar, Marcus Borg. It really is a theology book in novel form.... quite a good effort. One of the characters is talking about his life. "Turning fifty was no big deal - I was becoming established... writing books...being noticed.... But the approach of sixty is different. When I was growing up sixty was old - it really was. ..... I think I have lived my life in the future - that goes with ambition, you know. Fulfillment is in the future - life will be good when I've made a name for myself .... But what's the future when you're getting close to sixty? It seems to me that sixty and older is about decline." (Putting Away Childish Things - Marcus Borg.) At sixty six I can identify with that. I can no longer run as I used to. When I do I am slow and ungainly.. I will never have that feeling of floating over the surface, the exhilaration of it all again. I still enjoy a sex life but my orgasm is a whimper compared to what used to happen and it takes me all night to do what I used to do all night.... I will never regain that sexual power and passion I once had... the best of my sex life is over. I ran a Church and there was always the possibility of new people, new programs, a great sermon ... always a future dream... now I sit in the back pew listening to lousy preaching. I had new jobs and new dreams but what is there to look forward to at sixty six?  When I lay my head down on the pillow to go to sleep I will often purposely think of something positive in the future as my last thought before I drift off. I am used to thinking of such things as the creative opportunities in a service I am planning; a half marathon I am working towards; a special night off with my wife; a project at Church I can look forward to with its possibilities or some other positive future possibility.  Lately with my wheezy chest, the natural decline and uncertainty of health and the ongoing, seemingly endless challenges of night shelter "stuff", I find it more difficult to find positive thoughts to go to sleep with. "The future" seems cloudy, short and uncertain.  The character in the book says he was learning to live in the present and to enjoy the present. I am not sure that it's the total answer, I still think it is good to dream and plan, but it is an issue. As you age your future dreams are limited by decline and limited time. You have to change your "reason for being" somewhat. I have a new admiration for people I know or have known who face adversity and the decline of abilities with fortitude and cheerfulness. I often think to myself, "What on earth can they look forward to? Yet they remain positive." Please God let me learn that skill.
Accumulated grief...
One other thing about getting older is that you have accumulated grief. Lots of people you have known have died. Lots of people who have been in your life have moved on, physically to other places or for a number of reasons, friendships or closeness you once had have ceased or changed.  I was in the brewery where I am chaplain the other day and walked passed the door I used to turn into to see a friend. He died just a little over a year ago. This day, as I often do, I felt a tinge of sadness at the remembrance of him. "I would no longer have those conversations" hit me with a new sadness. Down the street I bumped into a man who is a church elder in the church I recently retired from. We had shared a lot together over the years I was there. He was the one I had worked most closely with. I love him.  I talked with him in the street and he told of working hard in the Church that still has not really replaced me.  The Church and its work was top most in his thoughts, but it was the last thing I wanted to talk about. Our friendship has changed! We are drifting apart. We are not part of each others' lives any more... and that is sad. It is a bereavement.  I drive around areas of town and I see the houses of people who were dear to me in my life. They have died and others live there now. I feel sad, they were part of my life but are no longer there. The older you get the more sadness, the more "goodbyes" you have said, the more changes you have been through, the more often you have experienced grief. Somehow we carry a certain load of accumulated grief. It is not life destroying, but it is something I never realised when I was a young person wondering why older people often stayed silent and looked into the distance.

How is retirement? - Good and bad

 I have so many people when they first see me ask this question, “How is retirement?”  I have only been retired 16 days! … and even then I have had a funeral and have been sorting through “work” stuff.  But let me share current feelings with you. Retirement, even if it is looked forward to involves grief and one of the “stages” of grief is anger.  Mixed in with all the feelings of retirement I am also dealing with feelings of anger.

Retirement is good – I am finding that I am sleeping very soundly. Over recent years I have been waking in the early hours and have had my mind going flat tack for several hours before dozing off again, if I got to doze off at all. Since retirement happened I have been sleeping well. I played around with a blood pressure monitor a couple of days ago and I am sure my blood pressure has dropped considerably.  I have been doing various projects and chores around the house. Whenever I did projects before I had but one day a week to complete them in, so I worked always in a rushed manner. I found myself working at the same frenzied pace with projects since retirement, then I would pull myself together and say to myself, “You have tomorrow and the next day to do this. Slow down and enjoy doing it at a more relaxed pace!”

Retirement sucks. –  I drove away from the Lookout Point fire station the other day and automatically set a course for my office at the Church. It was a habit of many years… finish chaplaincy and head back to the office before heading home. Part way there I remembered… I have no office in town now! On the light side I have no free park, coffee making facilities and toilet available in the centre of the city – retirement means I have lost those perks. But the day I put my Church keys in the Church safe and left the building for good I was sad.

•   I had enjoyed an office in town with a computer, printer and photocopier, which has been a centre for a lot of work for the Church, Habitat for Humanity and for the Dunedin Night Shelter Trust. It was a place where people from my chaplaincies, drop-in centre, Habitat, Night Shelter Trust, church members, or people from the community could call in, have a cup of tea and have access to me.  There I have counselled, listened to marriage woes, discussed wedding plans, offered support, built relationships and planned projects. It was a base for good in the centre of the city. I will miss that.
• As I looked at the Church building, I thought about the many relationships established there. No longer would I play table tennis, hug John, joke, encourage, scold, and tease my friends at the drop-in centre. I have enjoyed building friendships with people on the edges of Church life, at Space2B, new folk in the congregation, users of the building and others.  Through this building and my work I have continued relationships with Church members, many I have known since my childhood. I will miss these in a profound way.
•   I will no longer enjoy the creative buzz of crafting a Church service, bringing together music, film clips, prayers and reflections so that they communicate in an interesting way.  I will miss that.
•    I had a dream of slowly building a different model of Church, a creative community centre that fudged the lines between Church and Community. We went part of the way toward that, but the job seemed unfinished.

As I drove away I thought of all the good things I would miss about being a minister and I was sad. I was part of a force for good in the middle of the city. Through this institution and these buildings I expressed myself and my passions.  I can look back with pride. But… there is a sense in which I ask, “Who am I now?”

Then I asked myself, “If it was so good, why am I retiring? Why not continue doing the good there?”

Here is my answer…

•        I am 65 and for years I have worked 6 days a week and been on call 24/7. It is time to have more free time to explore different things life has to offer. I owe it to myself, my wife and my family.
•        My denomination has changed. Change is a must and inevitable, but I happen to think some important emphases have been lost and some destructive approaches adopted. When a minister can no longer feel good about his denomination it is time to find another job. .. I have grown weary of the battle.
•          My dream for the Church and my concept of “Church” is very different than the traditional and even contemporary “imperialistic” views of the Church. There is always going to be frustration and uneasiness between “normal” church people and leaders and me. I have grown weary of the battle.
•         As part of this tension there were a couple of people in different leadership positions that I found hard to work with.  I found it difficult to find a forum to talk the issues through. Also we found that while the general congregation, allowed me to do different stuff, there was not a heap of people willing to really get involved in the work.  (even 27 years ago when they were much younger.) I used to laugh. Many would say with pride, “We are a community minded Church!” Under my breath I would say, “Well no - there are a few of us busting our gut to be a community minded Church – most are passengers.” – I have grown weary of the battle.
•         I hate the organ. I found that I was increasingly repulsed by its sound and there was an unwillingness to change. (A survey showed 95% of NZ’ers dislike organ music) I felt it’s heaviness and dominance caused harm to the atmosphere I was trying to create in worship … I have grown weary of the battle. (Having said that I attended a worship service on Sunday with an organ. It was there, assisted the singing well but was almost beautifully unnoticed because of the sensitive way it was played. – In my view musical instruments whatever your choice, in worship are meant to be like a referee in rugby, he is there doing an important job, but not dominating the play.)

     I could go on or go into more detail, but that is enough negativity. I became a minister largely because I perceived a gap between the Church and real life for people in the community. I have a book entitled, “The reality of the world and the unreality of the Churches.” The title expresses my concern.  I am pleased to say that we bridged that gap in all sorts of ways. While I would have dearly wished for more, I am pleased with what we achieved. In the final half of my career I was exploring and trying to get the Church to focus on the servant ministry of Jesus in the community. I wanted us to ask the question, “What does it mean for us as followers of Jesus to express our following as a group?”  The default questions seem to be “how do we survive/grow as an institution?” – These are very different issues so it was always going to be a battle. Over all there has been little conflict, mainly because I tried to take frustratingly small steps toward change, and, perhaps because I am a coward, I avoided conflict and most often bit my tongue and seethed inside. – but the changes have not been enough, the job is unfinished and … I have grown weary of the battle.

I guess others will have different viewpoints on my career, and I am deeply aware I have many weaknesses and failings.

Revisiting trauma - We have received a few phone calls from a church leader seeking information. Sometimes in conversation people want to discuss our Church. At the moment, in spite of all the good things we enjoyed in ministry, when such conversation happens it is like the opening up of old wounds, or revisiting a traumatic experience. I avoid even driving past the building. Anger and sadness emerges within me. That is part of the grieving process and it will change.

Henri Nouwen wrote a book about “ministry” appropriately entitled “The wounded healer.” A sentence from that indicates a feeling I have often had in my forty years of church ministry.  “Many Churches decorated with words announcing salvation and new life are often little more than parlours for those who feel comfortable in the old life, and who are not likely to let any words change their stone hearts into furnaces where swords can be cast into plough shares, and spears into pruning hooks.”