I have had friends commit suicide. In my job with emergency services I hear about suicides quite often. They are always tragic. Always too, people will say, "Why did they do it? Why didn't they talk to someone?" Well I am not planning on committing suicide, but I do know that sometimes it can be very hard talking to someone.
J B Phillips, a well known Christian writer and scholar who informed and inspired many people had a problem with depression. I remember in one of his books he wrote that "he descended into a black hole of depression" from time to time. Well I am not a J B Phillips, but this happens to me, perhaps not to the same extent. There are all sorts of reasons for it I think. I think I have a deep sense of purpose and "calling" therefore have high expectations of myself and others. M Scott Peck and other counsellors say that often depression is anger turned inward. I think often I am angry at the disappointments of life and ministry and turn that anger inward. I also avoid confrontation, therefore do not readily and constructively express my disappointments. Any way for whatever reason I "descend into a black hole of depression". Oddly enough I think its that deep sense of purpose that keeps me going and pulls me through, though there is a sense in which I live with some sense of sadness all the time. The last couple of weeks have been like that. But talking about it is hard and I have learned lessons from the experience.
People say of suicide victims, "Why didn't he talk?" but here is my experience of trying to talk.
First people are too busy to talk. People are busy with their own work life and family life and when you want someone to listen, they are just not always available. There are a whole lot of legitimate calls on their time. How often, I wonder, have I been too busy to listen to others?
Second, often when you begin to talk, people are wrapped up in their own life and just want to talk about that. I had a friend call in at the office. I began to share with them some of what I was going through, and all they talked about was an upcoming holiday. (Oh I wish I could have a holiday!) You soon realise its a waste of time sharing. I know I have done that to others too.
Thirdly, often people who are with you are not present. Something else is going on in their lives and while they are happy to be with you, they are in a sense, not really with you. You can begin talking, but sense it has drifted past their head somewhere and you soon shut up. They are in their own world.
Fourthly, people rush to tell you a solution to your problem, even before they have truly heard you. This is often said to be a male way of dealing with things, but I have found it often in women. I think it happens when women have been mothering, they can treat you like a child and tell you what to do.
Fifthly, lack of empathy. People do not listen long enough to see the issues from the speakers point of view. I often feel this way. Because my issues stem from my job and "calling" people often do not have the same passion I have and don't "see" the thing from my perspective. It is important that we stop and listen long enough to see it from the speaker's perspective. One of the things that happens when people respond and show that they have not heard it from your point of view, is that when you leave, you feel even more lonely than before you started to talk.
I have erred in my ministry and work in all of the five ways I have experienced and listed off above.
I have learned to cope with my depressions largely alone. I go dig the garden or walk in the bush. I have also learned to dig deep and just keep going, till I surface again. I have been hurt by people I have trusted and opened up to, so tend these days to be very cautious. As I dug the garden today, I was reflecting on my current struggles, and was reminded of the above lessons.
Photos: Today I spent three and a half hours digging in the garden and planting four rows of potatoes. After lunch I went to my daughter's house and with them pulled out an old kitchen sink unit and then fitted in and plumbed a new one and a dishwasher. It took about six and a half hours all told. It has been a good day, just physical work with the instant reward of work well done.
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