I think as long as I can remember by October each year I am finding keeping going really hard. Often that is when I get a dose of flu or sore throats or something. This year it has been really difficult.
Church Scene
I struggle to fit into the church scene any more and find getting up in front of everybody on a Sunday increasingly hard. I have all sorts of people expressing their divergent opinions on how church should go, and I don't ever get to do what I really would want to do. It feels like I just entertain some of the people each Sunday, but as far as progress is concerned, I see little of it. It simply is that my understanding of following Jesus is a long way from the traditional Christianity model. Early this week I have been really depressed, like REALLY depressed about the whole scene. The solution it seemed to me was to find some way out of it. But what that way could be, I struggle to see. I looked under the jobs in the Wednesday paper today and found only one I would have the remotest chance with..... a social worker in the Pitcairn Islands. (Where there has been all sorts of trouble for incestuous and under age sex!!! ... yeah right!)
Having said that, I was sitting in our Space2B area at church and people kept coming in and sitting talking. A lot of sensible discussion. A lot of warmth and personal connection. I got to listening deeply to one of my fire fighters who called in to tell me his predicament. Another lady called who had contact through our Christmas dinners. She wanted to ask about our church, she was impressed with its reputation for being involved in and in touch with the community. I was encouraged, it was beginning to work as I envisaged and I talked with a colleague about future possibilities.... but it just looks and feels like a hell of a lot of work... and I don't know if I can hack it any more. The road looks too long.
Habitat for Humanity
I have been involved with Habitat for Humanity since it began in Dunedin in 1995. I have been a Director and/or on the promotions committee. I have been a natural contact point for people in the town. But it has not felt like fun for a while. Tonight was the Annual General Meeting and I let it be known that I am not standing for directorship or any committees any more. I think people wondered why but I kept my silence. There are two reasons.
(1) There are changes afoot trying to bring every affiliate into line. I am not happy with that because I feel each affiliate must respond to its community and each has its own set of resources. When I started Habitat we were meant to be autonomous and the pricing system was much more generous. I have battled changes or questioned changes and have been made to feel like an old fool who can't update. I can't be bothered with the battle any more. They can do their thing.
(2) I have got out because people kept "dumping on me". It seemed like if anyone in the organisation could not do a job they would ring me up. On the promotions committee we got doing stuff that was a way wider than the "promotions" portfolio. They kept shoving stuff our way. I have been on the building committee this year. I am an ex-plumber (very ex!) and a church minister. But I have ended up being foreman on the job, getting materials and stuff... I am NOT a carpenter. It stresses me out doing it even though I think I do a reasonable job. I seem to feel responsible for things when others don't. So I decided to draw a line in the sand and opt out. I'll still bang in nails, at least for this house.
Anyway that's me. Still feel like shit. But I am cranking up for Sunday.
1 comment:
Re: Life is tough in October - Habitat for Humanity
It almost sounds like you have become well known for an inability to say "No". In the upside-down hierarchy of dumpees, you are at the bottom of the line, so I suppose everything gets passed along because they all know the buck stops with you and you will meet the need.
When resentment starts to creep in, it is a good time to get tough with people or opt out altogether. You surely do come across as someone who cannot stop giving (when asked for something), so getting out of it seems like the right thing to do (from the little you have said).
As to the other problem, of every affiliate being brought into line, with contracts, rules and manuals, etc. etc. ... Well, you know, this is a disease that creeps into everything that starts as a good intention, with a few self-starters getting something up and running, and everything chugs along with a certain type of spirit, then -- out of the woodwork come the people who want a rule book and a contract and everything strictly defined -- then somehow people now have to change to satisfy the rules rather than the guidelines being there to satisfy the people.
But you get this with a certain type... When talking of religion, you are describing people who carry a Rule Book around with them, and are always checking to see if everyone else is following its orders to the letter.
It would be a shame, don't you think (related to "Church Scene" as well as "Habitat for Humanity"), if all the innovators and loose cannons were chased out of every place by the rule book writers, committees, and people with clipboards?
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