One of the things that breaks my heart is that I often talk with people who have got themselves in a bit of a mess. They tell me the story and I listen lovingly, but I find myself saying in my mind, "How bloody stupid! Why did you make that choice or those choices? Anyone can see that would lead to trouble!" I often think of the values that lead to people making disastrous choices and think, "They ought to know better?" The impatient side of me says, "Why the hell should I feel sorry for you?" In some cases even I am deeply disappointed. They have been around me for years, I have been their minister but none of what I live for and preach seems to have rubbed off. I often wish I could have intervened earlier, before things got messy. Often when people get around to talking with someone in my position the horse has bolted long ago. There are often distortions in values that lead to problems. I want to share a couple.
Sex and money.
I have not done it, but if I were to go through all the troubles I have heard people get into a pickle over, I think a high proportion of contributing factors to the problems would be distorted values over sex and money.
First let me think about sex. I am probably going to sound like an old fashion Bible bashing wowser, but again and again as I have listened to people's predicament I have thought of saying, "You shouldn't have 'dipped your wick' so easily!" I recall a very earthy farmer coming to me in a small farming village where we lived, asking me about problems various people in the area had, and if I could recommend counsellors or others who could help? As he left he turned and said to me, "My old father had a bit of advice which these people we've been talking about should have listened to." He went on, "When I left home to work elsewhere, and again when I got married my old dad took me aside and said, 'Son remember this, keep it in your pants!' " Then he went on, "If these people we have been talking about had heard and heeded such advice they would not be in the shit now!" He was right! Now let me tell you I love sex. (even at my age!) While I did not have sex before marriage, I am not one to scream and yell and thump the pulpit about "no sex before marriage", and say that if you do "you are evil". But I do think it is wise to recognise that for the sake of happiness, sex must go together with some level of relational intimacy and depth. In this day and age we think we are all grown up and we can have casual sex or imbibe easily and early in a relationship without it hurting us. But in my listening to hurt people and stuffed up lives, again and again I find myself thinking, "If only you had 'kept it in your pants' " or "If only you had waited a while longer it wouldn't hurt this much now!" While I might not want us to go back to stifling Victorian perspectives, there was some truth in them. I have the book "The Joy of sex" by Alex Comfort. In it he is talking about contraception, and how irresponsible it is to bring unwanted children into the world. Its a long time since I read it but I recall he said, "If you can't discuss contraception freely, perhaps you should ask yourself, should we be having sex in the first place?" Even this very liberal book on sexual matters recognises that some level of intimacy of relationship should go along with having sex. (I think to have mutually great sex, it helps if the couple have a deep level and a freedom of relational intimacy.) The apostle Paul wrote, "... the man who joins himself to a prostitute becomes physically one with her. The scripture says quite plainly, 'The two will become one body' " Now I don't think I would thump the table on this as much as Paul, but in my experience I think that having sex with another adds a different dimension to the relationship, which without a deeper relational intimacy can make things more complicated. In spite of the modern messages that say casual sex is OK, I encounter so many hurting and stuffed up lives because of it.
Money or material wealth... or "Looking wealthy."
Now even more insidious and dangerous than casual sex is people's love of money and their need to look materially wealthy. I see this again and again. I have seen families divided over money and inheritances. I have seen married couples ruining their relationship together by claiming individual money and competing over money. There are beneficiaries and families spending money they can ill afford on cars and phones just so that they look wealthy. There are people living under all sorts of stress because they buy houses for status and not necessarily within their price range. One man said to me recently that he felt imprisoned in a job he hated because he was so much in debt. There are people enslaved by big loans that cover things they could happily live without. One New Testament writer said; For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. He was right. We fall for the big assumption that money is the be-all and end of life. It is preached to us every time we open up our computers, turn on TV or read our news paper. But money/wealth does not make the person. It does not bring happiness. It is often that illusive happiness that disappears when we try to grasp it. Money does not bring fulfillment. Some one has written that our society is a bit like a shop where some vandal has got in and changed the price tags. The things that are truly valuable, are marked down as cheap; the things that ultimately are not worth much are tagged as valuable. We constantly pierce ourselves with griefs" and this malady is of epidemic proportions in our society.
Building Houses?
I was thinking about these things and in particular some people I had listened to this week. In frustration and sadness I asked my wife out loud, "What would Jesus say? What would Jesus do?" As I pondered that it struck me. I think he would tell a story. Here is the one I think he might just tell, with deep sadness in his voice;
"All those who listen to my words and do something about them are like a wise man who builds his house on a rock. The man laid a strong foundation by digging deep into the earth. Then he worked carefully and slowly making sure the building was strong and secure on the rock. And then the rains and floods came and the wind blew hard and beat against the house. But the house did not fall because it was built on a strong foundation.
But the person who hears my words and does nothing with them is like a stupid or foolish man who built his house on the sand. This man did not build a strong deep foundation and built his house very quickly. His tall house was built fast and he moved in feeling safe. Soon the rains and floods came and the wind blew beating against the house. The tall house without a strong foundation just couldn't stand up to the flooding and winds and it cracked and the whole house collapsed."
The crowds were surprised at Jesus' story. Jesus warned them that if the people did not build their life on a deep foundation and follow his teachings then they too would find that their house had fallen down.
Now I am not one to shout, "You can only be saved in Jesus Christ!" but he does teach and show basic eternal values that we ignore at our peril. If our lives, if our society and our world ignore these values, we ultimately increase our own misery.
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