"I can't do it!" and "Want to grow spiritually? Become an atheist!" ???

"I can't do it any more!"
This week has been full on. I have had a couple of 1 a.m. mornings trying to get things done. I have spent a lot of time relating with people, in chaplaincies, in Space2B and in other places. It is interesting that just sometimes you get the feeling enough is enough. On Saturday I spent the morning working on the News Letter and church service preparation. Then I wanted to go and visit an elderly lady I had hoped to visit on Friday, as well as catch up on a man in hospital. I showered and changed into presentable clothing, then hopped in the car and drove to her house. I went to the door and rang the bell several times but nobody answered. Frustrated, I left there and drove toward the hospital. I found that I was going to have to park some distance away, but really felt tired and not full of energy. Very quickly I decided just to return home. As I drove home I thought about it, and discovered that my major hinderance was not physical, but my emotional or inner well-being. I had just had enough of "putting myself out there." I did not want to face another bunch of people. If I went to the hospital he may have had all sorts of people visiting. I would have to meet and mingle with new people, and to be honest I did not have the inner reserves to do that. I drove home, took my books and computer to bed, had a nap then worked on the Sunday service. This morning as I did some photo-copying and the final power points in the office before Church I had a similar sense of dread. The photo copier was not doing as it should, and I found myself at one stage bent over the machine saying, "I can't keep doing this! I can't keep doing this!"  I straightened up, calmed down and problem solved my way through the photo copy issues. Then I finished the power points and went through every aspect of the service with those involved with computer and sound system. Then I "took a moment" and sat alone gathering the strength to go out and do it again. Feed back suggests that I did well and the service flowed, made sense and drew people together in an encouraging way.  I will enjoy my day off tomorrow though. I hope my week ahead is lighter, though I do have my final visit to St John Ambulance as a Workplace Chaplain.
Become an atheist!
I  often wish people would become an atheist for a while.  Now that sounds strange coming from a church minister. As I look back on my own life I have had to become an "atheist" in relation to some of the concepts of God I have worshipped. As I think about my spiritual journey my concept of God has changed. I have had to discard old concepts before I can move on to new ones. But for God to continue to be "real" in my living, I have had to make these transitions.
For example; I have discarded the God who is like a puppeteer in the sky controlling when people die, when storms or earthquakes happen. I had to discard stories of faith that had been told to me in my childhood to get rid of that God that my mind could no longer sustain. For example "God made the sea calm at Dunkirk."  But that sort of God raises questions, conflicts and contradictions that I could no longer ignore. I had to discard him and rethink "God" for him to be real. Another concept of God I have discarded is the God who would consign whole populations of people to a place named "hell" because they did not hold the correct beliefs or fulfill the right religious rites. My mind and heart can no longer believe that. For me to move on with God, I have had to discard that God, i.e. become an atheist in relation to that and once again rethink "God."
Now sometimes we are scared to let go of these old concepts of God. It is too scary. We will bury or repress our unease and questions, sometimes in religious activity and cliches. We hang on tenaciously to old concepts, even though deep down we are not trusting them. They feel more comfortable! The new is unchartered territory. We may become unpopular with religious people. It is like a trapeze artist. He has to let go of one bar, so that he can reach out to grab the new one swinging in his direction.  Will he be brave enough to let go? Will he have enough faith to reach out for the new? Or will he hold on grimly to the bar he has and just keep swinging where he is? This is, for me, the nature of the spiritual journey.

The ever upward journey of faith

Why do I feel so different?
With two years to go until retirement, I have been throwing questions around in my mind. Will I continue in ministry after retirement? I am feeling the weight of being "up front" and "out there" now, will I want to continue when I don't really have to? The other question is that my ministry and the "church" that is evolving is very different than the conventional church. Who would they get to replace me? Who could fit in? Will it all be lost? The third question is where would I go to Church? I would find it very difficult to find a church that comes near to expressing my understanding of the faith. I think I would be deeply frustrated if I went to any. Of course there are "liberal-minded" ministers, but there are few who are engaged with the community as we are.  I don't fancy just sitting around discussing theory.  I guess I will have to wait and see. There's a fourth question... why am I so "different"? Am I right in my thinking? Am I "off the wall"? ... but I cannot be anywhere else at the moment.