Dunedin, New Zealand, my city - my people

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Unseen issues people have.


I was reflecting the other day on something I need to bear in mind more often than I do.  Because of my prostate/plumbing problems, I need to carry a little bit of “apparatus” with me during the day. It is a fine tube or catheter and three to four times a day I am to use it so that I can completely empty my bladder. It is no big deal, it is much better than wearing a permanent catheter and in all other respects life for me is normal.  But this gadget has to be washed in warm water and so I need to have a hand basin with hot running water. I also need to carry a tube of KY jelly, so, as you can imagine, it is better if I have a reasonable measure of privacy.  That is easy at home, but at the church or in public toilets it is not always possible.  Sometimes in a public toilet, the washing is a rushed furtive activity with an ear open hoping nobody is going to walk in.  In these places life can be awkward. Because of this when I am away from home and using public toilets, I often choose to use the one labelled “disabled” because it provides a private hand basin. The thing that can be embarrassing is that when you leave or enter the cubicle or toilet labelled “Disabled,” you sometimes see accusing looks from people who think you have no disability. I once heard one lady say to another, “He doesn’t have a wheelchair?”  Another time when I came out of the disabled toilet a person waiting to use another cubicle commented, “That’s a bit cheeky!” as I went past.  I sometimes want to yell, “Well I do have a disability it is just that you cannot see it!”
My reflection is this. Often in relating with people they will say or do things that we see as inappropriate. We can be critical of their actions or words from our perspective.  But, just maybe we do not see the “disability” or the things that they have to, or have had to cope with in life?  We might well understand or be more tolerant if we could see the “unseen” hassles that contribute to the way they behave.
I share two examples brought to mind by a recent incident.  In a chaplaincy a group conversation turned to the condition called asperges.  We talked about it for a while then one man told how his son was diagnosed as “asperges”. He told about all the traits and challenges of the condition, particularly relating it to his son’s schooling. As I drove home that night I got time to reflect further on this incident.
First I did not know that this man had to cope with a son with those issues. I was impressed with the things he was doing to support his son and knew that the whole situation must place a lot of extra pressure on him and his wife. It may contribute to the reason he reacts the way he does in certain circumstances?  He certainly has quite an extra burden to carry in life and maybe, I thought to myself, he needs my listening ear more often?
Secondly as he talked of the condition and how it impacts on his son’s behaviour I thought of another man we have dealings with through the Church. This man annoys us intensely. He often has inappropriate behaviour, says inappropriate things and seems to have an annoying attitude.  But it struck me that the symptoms described in the conversation about the son fit exactly. It is quite possible this man is an undiagnosed “asperges” sufferer?  That does not excuse all that he does, but it may explain why it seems so difficult to communicate with him on the issues.

Anyway, the reminder for me in all this is “go gentle on people, you may not see all the issues they are facing”.   

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