My wife wants me to go and see the Doctor tomorrow. The reason is that I have had some trouble sleeping over the last week or two. I go off to sleep very quickly but at around 2 a.m. I wake up and my mind goes flat tack. ....It is not all bad because the other night I had an "epiphany". As I lay there and stewed, my thoughts gathered together and I understood "the world" and directions in human society in a better way, clarifying and bringing together a lot of my probing and thinking. I think I only got about two hours sleep last night and now for a few nights each week that happens. These days too, if I am lying stewing, I get up, go to the lounge and read a book. I am reading Michael King's "History of New Zealand" and really enjoying it. (Although I read of New Zealand young men in the First World War the other night and I don't think it helped me sleep. I was disgusted at the stupidity of that war! The way it was fought and the way soldiers were just cannon fodder. Good grief! .... life was cheap! At ANZAC day we make it sacred??? It is said we as a nation "came of age" then. Bloody hell!)
I think I know the reason why I have not been sleeping lately. I am, at a deep level, worrying about my new chaplaincy and the extra work that it involves. It has not become yet an easy place for me to float along to. There are still people I need to break the ice with and relationships I need to build. I am not confident at this sort of thing, even though I am good at it. I build relationships slowly, and I think in the case of chaplaincy, that is not a bad thing. People watch how you relate to others, then in their time, let you into their life. Every time I go there I deepen conversations with folk, and break new ice, so it is happening. I just worry about it still. There is the difficult and sensitive "work" involved, but also other parts of my ministry are demanding more time, so I worry about fitting in the hours needed. I do find that come Thursday night, after I have finished at Allied Press for the week, I have a better sleep.
My wife says, "Give it up!" Other people say "give it up!" There is a part of me saying; "If I had my choice I would give up trying to lead on Sunday mornings!" That exercise too, even though I think I am good at it, is a gut wrenching experience. But I think it is wrong to just "Give it up" when the going is tough. Often in life, when you are trying to accomplish anything worth while, or even just grow as a person, there is a period of difficulty where discipline is needed. Even though I worry about the Allied Press chaplaincy, I have a feeling that there will come a time there when I will feel attached to the place and have deep and significant relationships. (Just like the other chaplaincies I have) It just takes discipline and "hanging in there" and it is happening. M Scott-Peck writes about the need for delayed gratification and discipline in the whole personal growth process. We are often called to work through the difficult times, and the rewards come or growth happens. Sometimes we avoid the problem solving necessary for growth to happen, because it takes discipline. When we "give up" or "back off" back into our comfort zones we fail. We cheat ourselves out of possible progress and growth.
My wife made an appointment with the Doctor for me. Will he tell me to give it up? What the heck am I going to say to him? I'll worry about that tonight.
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