It is my feeling that the CD and it's impact opened up other wounds just below the surface of my life, wounds that come from the fact that I am a "reluctant" minister/chaplain. My wife reckons that there should never be such a job, that the expectations of a minister make for an impossible job. ( I read a job description written by a church wanting a part time minister during the week. I had to chuckle. I am not sure that even the angel Gabriel could fulfill their idealistic requirements! But they are all like that, a waste of the paper they are written on.) Here are some of the "wounds" below the surface.
* As a chaplain/minister I have had all sorts of reactions that show prejudice and dislike, just because you are a representative of "Christianity". "Hello, I am Dave Brown the new chaplain." I have said. The response, an abrupt spin on the heals and walk off, or one time that was preceded by, "I couldn't give a stuff!".... or "Tell someone who cares." In other circumstances, sometimes even a sarcastic "almost-but-not-joking" sort of way, all sorts of weird hurtful comments are made, when a group learns you are a minister. The way ministers are often ridiculed on TV, is often emulated in real life, even though the people do not know you as a person.
*As a minister you invest your "person" into your work. When I was a plumber the success of my work depended on my plumbing skills. These were "external" learned skills that I was good at. If I failed, it was my skill in question, but not "me". As a minister/chaplain you put yourself "out there". Rejection or misunderstanding is not just rejection of your skill or work, but some how rejection of you as a person. Each Sunday as I lead worship I share my faith, I bare my inner soul in front of people. I have to word things so that I don't offend others perspectives too much, but have to try still to be true to myself. The success of my chaplaincy work depends so much on my personality, and if there are difficulties "I" feel the pain.
*In my denomination with its correct emphasis on the involvement of lay people, unfortunately you have a whole lot of opinions as to how the church should be run, readily expressed. There is little recognition that you have indeed been trained to do a job, everybody's opinion is as good as yours. Sometimes this can verge on being offensive. I have had recently a man, a retired professional, telling me what to do in sometimes cutting words, ways that are designed to belittle my style and hurt. He refuses to listen to a different perspective. Inside I want to hit back, and point out his ignorance and arrogance. I want to yell at him that I have studied for 6 years, and still study to know how to minister. I want to suggest that I perhaps have more theological understanding than he has? Would he like me telling him how to do his profession? But, as a good minister, I must benignly accept the pain, disagree or ignore the advice in a "nice" way. I try my best to do this, (not just with him) but the barbs still hurt. I have often thought of the way people treat ministers at wedding times. When it comes to appointments to sort out the wedding or rehearsals people are seldom on time. I had one couple turn up three quarters of an hour late for a rehearsal, and did not even apologise! I had other appointments and work to do that night. The thing that irks is that they would not do it when visiting their lawyer, the dentist or the builder! How come it is acceptable with the minister?
* In ministry you take on board the hurts of people. Every funeral is a grief experience for you as you share empathetically with the family. Every broken marriage you are involved in you feel something of their failure. When a member of our drop-in centre ends up in prison, I feel like I let them down. As a chaplain and minister often the hurts and hardships of the people I mix with are felt also by me. I know people say I should be more "detached" and "professional" but that's crap. If you care at all, you end up sharing some of the pain. You have to learn to deal with it, but its one of the wounds.
* In ministry you feel the pain of the world. I am in the job because deep in my "soul" I want to make the world a better place. When I see, read or hear of the distortions in the world at large, I feel the pain. That murder in the news causes an ache in my heart. That young hood sent to prison, I don't see a nasty kid, but a mixed up boy, and a life tragically wasted. Even the "show biz" news hurts, I see the stupid distortion of values that are expressed, and know that hurt lives will result from them. It is this sort of "pain" that gives me fire in the belly, a reason to keep trying to make a difference, but it is still "pain". I understand how Jesus could survey the city of Jerusalem and cry for the people.
* In ministry you work in an institution that often sees itself as being the purpose for your existence and an end in itself. Your ideals can be of the church as a servant community making a difference in the world. Their perspectives are of an institution serving their wants and needs. You want an ongoing search for relevance, opportunity and service, they want stability, comfort and security. Ministry can be an incredibly frustrating job, you are called to move a very human institution to try to get it to do challenging and divine things.
Yet, even though I have frequently tried, I can't opt out. It is, whether I like it or not, my "calling" ... All of the above are some of the wounds I experience in ministry, and I guess lately they have "backed up" and my tears flowed when the CD arrived because its reminders exposed the yet-to-be-dealt-with hurts that are there. It is also true that my friend who died was one of the few people in my life who could understand the wounds of ministry.
I know a number of retired ministers who I would gauge as having the effects of post traumatic stress. Somehow the wounds of ministry have caught up with them when they have stopped, and they are still suffering the accumulated stress. One man wrote a book about ministry and called it "The Wounded healer".
Anyway... I think that's one of the reasons I cried when the beautiful and meaningful CD arrived. Having said all that about ministry, there are deep, powerful, fulfilling rewards in doing what you are called to do. I attended a retirement "do" for a firefighter the other day. As he finished his speech he said, "It's a great job, I would recommend it to anyone interested." I could not say that about ministry. My words would be, "Do it, but do it only if you really have to!" ... and I do.
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