I had a dream?

I have a fairly active dream life these days. (There was a time when I was a teenager I could not understand people having "dreams". They were not my experience though I had an active fantasy life.) I am, obviously not going to tell you about all of my dreams. I often have nightmares with a common theme. I am in a train that is racing down rails out of control, headed for disaster. I am driving a truck that I cannot slow and it is coming to a sharp corner beside a big cliff. I am being chased relentlessly by bad guys with guns, and it seems that whatever I do I cannot escape. Usually I wake up with my heart pounding. I think that these themes come from the feeling I have that I am in ministry in a church that could fail and go out of business and I feel an incredible responsibility for that. Someone else claims that my bad habit of raiding the fridge and chopping off a slice of cheese as I go to bed causes the dreams. Cheese at night, they say, causes one to have nightmares.

Every now and then I have a "profound" dream where I am forced to expound my thinking on various subjects. In one I was at a church conference and I feel compelled to stand and make an urgent plea for the church to be a servant church. In another dream there was a similar scene, but I simply must speak out on the subject of a simple lifestyle, even though it was unpopular. In each of these I have woken terrified, but being surprised at my "speech" and the insights that came. Often I forget the details in the morning but had the sense of having been challenged in that area. Well the other night I had one of my "profound" dreams and I'll share the details with you.

I have no clue how I came to end up in the scene. I am in a chair, there are two intimidating men glowering at me and shining a lamp in my eyes. (The scene is similar to the scene in a Kiwibank TV advert where a woman is tied to a chair and questioned by mean looking dudes... though I am not tied.) They are ridiculing me for being a christian minister. They are ridiculing the superstitious faith in the age of reason. They are claiming religion causes wars. They claim religion is life denying etc. etc. They question me relentlessly and keep shouting at me is "Why are you a minister?" "Why don't you give it up? It is stupidity!" ... or words to that effect.

(Now I can understand why I have this dream with this theme. It is a question I continually ask myself. When I lead a Sunday service.... "Why do it? What good does it do?" When I see the ridiculous priorities churches have or read of scandals in the church I ask myself this question. I am also aware that my faith and stance is hardly orthodox anymore, and that many would call me a heretic. I am constantly having to word things carefully so as not to offend. I read many christian books, articles and commentaries and think "this is crap!" I hate choosing hymns because the same applies. So I often ask myself, "Am I being honest to still be in ministry?" So it is not surprising that such a question should emerge in my dream life. Also in the circles I move in as a chaplain, the church and faith is often ridiculed, though I am generally accepted.) But let me continue with the dream.

The two men pepper me with questions, challenges and ridicule. They keep shouting, "Why do it?" In the dream sitting in this chair in front of this barrage of shouting, I break down sobbing, and shout back, "I don't know! I don't know! What a waste of a life!" and I sob uncontrollably, finally sitting there head in hands breathing heavily. The men just glower at me, pleased that they have broken me. Slowly I stop sobbing and say, "Wait! I have an answer. Just listen... I have three things to say." Here is the guts of what I say.

Hesitantly I say, "I am a minister because Jesus makes a difference!"

"First by following Jesus, I believe people are better people. Jesus taught a path of generosity, of peace, of forgiveness, of love. If in my every day life I put into practice those sorts of values I am simply a better person. I am a better husband, because I am more considerate. I am a better father, because I value my children. I am a better workmate, easier to get along with and conscientious. My life will be lived more peacefully, more serenely and more constructively because by following Jesus I simply am a better person".

With growing confidence I continue, "Secondly, if I follow Jesus' way, I am a much wider thinking person. My circle of concern will not be just me and my family, but I will be concerned for the welfare of people in the wider community; the whole variety of people no matter creed, race, status or gender; I will truly be a citizen of the world. I will not get hung up about selfish issues, but will have this wider perspective. The world simply needs wider thinking people, willing to make a difference and Jesus can make people that way inclined.

More loudly now I almost shout, "Thirdly, it has been my experience, that when I follow the ways of Jesus, I sense a connection with 'the sacred'. I cannot define 'God' clearly, but when I follow Jesus' way in action, I sense a deep partnership with an unseen current of life, a friendship with that which is eternal. I feel a link to the past and the deep feeling that I am part of the future. I sense that my life is 'in' a movement, purposes and power that is bigger than me, and more important than the relatively superficial, shorter lived purposes of family, material possessions, career or nation "

I straighten up and eyeball the two men and say, "Yes, yes, that's it...It may not make sense to you two, but I am a church minister because by following Jesus people can live better lives; they are more likely to make a difference for good in their community and world; and they can experience a profound connection and partnership with God. The Church, with all its faults is still the place that presents 'Jesus', so that's why I am still a minister! It's NOT stupidity!" I shout at them.

At that point the dream stopped, I woke up and lay there surprised and pondering what it all meant. I like the argument and cannot figure out how in a dream my subconscious came up with it. I wondered if I was partially awake and stewing? I don't know, I simply share what I experienced. It speaks to me. It feels like a connection with "the sacred" stream of life we call "God".