Nightmares - emotions catching up.

Old emotions revisited.

A few weeks ago I had morning tea with “Gold Watch” a bunch of retired fire fighters. I was talking with one man who had been retired for quite a number of years. Some comment sparked him to tell me about a call he went on during his years of service. The call was a very tragic one and as he told of the events he went quiet. He said in a quiet voice, “It was really sad.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.” and shook his head sadly. He went on to tell about another couple of scary calls and his feelings.  He eventually summed it all up by saying, “There were some pretty tough scenes.”  I realised that in some informal way he was debriefing. The visit to the station had brought back these vivid memories and he was unloading with me and expressing his feelings. I think I have been going through a similar experience with my emotions catching up with me.

Nightmares - why?

I retired from Church ministry at Christmas time. I have, however, kept myself fairly busy with chaplaincies, my surgery and the fundraising effort for the Dunedin Night Shelter.  Now I have come away from Dunedin and am staying with my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter on Waiheke Island. I can do no work.  For four months I am out of circulation. I have had a few phone calls, emails and texts relating to drop-in centre or chaplaincies, but have had to say “Sorry I am out of circulation.”  Initially I slept well on our holiday. Our bed in our van is comfortable, quiet and warm. But the last few nights I have had nightmares that have disturbed my sleep. Sometimes they are related to the Church and ministry.  One night was centred on a St John ambulance scene, another the brewery or other chaplaincy scene.  Another was Night shelter issues.  Why? 

I think partly it is the stresses of my work life catching up on me now that I am stopped. I have often visited busy strong manly men after heart surgery.  Often I am stunned by the fact that these “real men” have started to weep. It seems to be the stresses of life catching up on them after the shock and forced stopping of the surgery. I think that is what is happening to me. I am forced to stop, and my emotions are  now catching up on me.

Unresolved feelings of guilt

The second reason it is happening is a certain amount of unresolved guilt. First - In each of these areas of ministry I have had weaknesses and I feel that “failure”. My work has not been up to my own expectations and I feel guilty about that. (I have to accept my humanity) But secondly, I realise that in each area I feel like I have let people down. The Church I retired from is struggling to find itself and to get a successor. (An elderly lady at the Church died while I have been up here and she had told me she wanted me to take her funeral – I think this was a trigger for these nightmares.)  The Night Shelter is in the middle of a fundraising campaign and there are other awkward issues that I have left people to deal with.  I had not really organised a real stand in at St John and there are events coming up that could do with a chaplain. (I have had three phone calls as St John chaplain and felt guilty I could not respond)  All that to say that whether I should feel guilty or not, I am having to deal with feelings of guilt about letting people down.

How am I now going to contribute?

Thirdly, I have feelings of uncertainty about my future usefulness. I am enjoying doing DIY jobs with and for my son, and I could spend the rest of my life doing this sort of thing around my own home. But I know I have more to offer than just DIY skills.  How I contribute to the community in years to come is still uncertain and this uncertainty contributes to my nightmares.

It is a funny stage of life to experience, but that’s what is happening for me.