I have had a good day off. I put together a TV ariel and mounted it on the chimney. I did some other repairs to the fire flue and tidying up in the workshop. I then went for a great walk up "my" Mount Cargill. I came home and helped prepare the evening meal. Eggs from our hens, turnips, potatoes, carrots, silver beet from our garden. Bacon was the only thing from the Farmers Market.
But what I want to write about is habits. A man told me that I lead off with my right leg therefore place extra burdens on my knee. So during my last couple of walks up the mountain I have tried to lead off with my left leg. I thought if I led with my left leg I will lighten the load on my sore knee, particularly walking down the steps on the return trip. So I tried, I really tried. One step, two step, then three... I concentrated hard....but no, always I ended up swinging the right leg through and stepping down with it, jarring my knee. No matter how hard I tried I could not break a habit of a lifetime.
I got to thinking that is so true about a lot of "habits" in life. I grew up as not a very confident boy. There are a lot of reasons for this that I am not going to list off. When I played sport as a teenager, I actually was average, sometimes good at some things, but I never had the confidence needed to be really good. I never broke free, always was hesitant, and in sport those who hesitate lose. When I was a plumbing apprentice, I kept wondering when I would be really confident, but even though I was once second in NZ in my exams and always excelled in both practical and theoretical exams, I never became a truly confident plumber. It has been true all of my life. As a student I was well above average often, but still was never confident and often I procrastinated on assignments, scared to put pen to paper. These days I am nervous meeting new people. Before every Sunday I have a lousy Saturday night's sleep. I visibly shake when I conduct a wedding. I pace the floor before a funeral. I am not a confident minister, no matter how positive the feedback I get. It simply is hard breaking a habit of a lifetime. I have realised that I have to live with my lack of confidence and steel myself again and again to make sure it does not hinder me doing what I need to do. There are heaps of habits that are difficult to break. Ways of coping that may be destructive. There are sometimes ways of handling conflict situations that are hard to break. My experience of trying to lead with my left leg reminded me how difficult it is to break habits of a lifetime. I guess that is true for the people whose lives I wish would change for the better.
2 comments:
I am just reading a book (non-fiction) that mentions an experienced public speaker who said, "Two minutes before I begin, I would rather be whipped than start; but two minutes before I finish, I would rather be shot than stop."
You are in great company, judging by many of the great leaders and speakers of history who were known to be forever nervous before starting.
Maybe you perform better because of this -- rather than being blase.
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Has that "plinth" at the top of your mountain been cleaned up?
http://jcshelper.blogspot.com/2009/11/monday-miracles.html
Yes the "plinth" has been cleaned up. I would love to know how they did it. I was trying to think what to call it when I was talking to a friend today about my Saturday mountain walk. Yesterday I walked straight out from the "plinth" and down the rocks, bush bashing a bit, joining the main track about the junction of the two tracks. Just for a change.
When I was a student minister an old retired minister told me, "When you stop getting nervous, give up ministry. It means you are not taking the tasks you have seriously enough." But I am more nervous than I should be often. .... thanks for the comment.
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