A devotional book I received this week says this:
"Jews and Christians have a practice that provides therapy when storm clouds roll in and we're grieving loss beyond repair. The practice is called 'Lament'. To lament means to express sorrow or to mourn out loud. The practice of lament gives you time and permission to vent your pent-up anger, your deep sadness, and your self-blame. You allow yourself to grieve in a way that leads to healing and renewal. As you pour out your grief, you discover that God hears your cries of anguish and comforts you." Well God, and any other readers here comes my "lament" for today.
Sunday's Lament.
I have been the Workplace Support Chaplain at the Dunedin Fire Service for 17 years! In that time I have taken the funerals of several firefighters. I have led funerals for retired firemen, some I never met. I have buried firemen's mothers and fathers and one adult child. I have even taken a funeral for a neighbour of a firefighter. I have been celebrant for a number of weddings, firemen and firemen's children. When industrial strife was rife I heard their anger, got stuck in between the factions, tried desperately to support them. Over the years I have listened to a whole heap of heartbreaking stories, offered solace, support and a listening ear. I have visited fire stations faithfully twice a week all this time, often doing many more hours than I have been paid for. It has been a good but busy seventeen years that I have valued. But this weekend the Dunedin Brigade celebrated 150 years. ... no one thought to make sure I felt I could register for the celebration dinner. But the hardest thing has been that today they had a Church parade at First Church in Dunedin and I was not invited to participate! It is good enough for me to do all these ceremonies for them, but for some reason I am not good enough to lead or share in the leadership of their 150 year celebration Church parade! I am NOT impressed! I know that I am an above average preacher! I know that I do know how firefighters think, and could communicate well with them. Why was I not included? It has been an embarrassment to try to explain that to people who assumed I would be doing it. I am hurt, disappointed and angry. I am angry at the organisers. Even if they did not want me, you would have thought (being big brave fire fighters - yeah right!) they would have had the guts to come and explain why? I find myself with little respect for the way it was done and the people involved. I am angry at First Church leadership. Workplace Support is an ecumenical ministry and if the situation had been reversed I would have thought to invite some participation from the incumbent chaplain. (In my experience Presbyterians in Otago and Southland [NZ] tend to have an arrogance. While claiming an ecumenical mind set, subconsciously they think they are the only true Church, and everyone else is some sort of aberration.) Anyway, you get the picture, I am hurt, saddened and angry. (I have to cut back on my chaplaincy hours and I have been tempted to tell them to go to hell.) In my recent visits I have tried to avoid any reference to the Church Parade. In front of firemen I have hidden the anger I have, but it has been eating away at me.
But... the good news is...
I went to the fire stations on Friday for two hours of chaplaincy. In three hours I visited three fire stations. In each station I dropped easily into long in-depth personal conversation with quite a number of individuals. Of course I cannot tell you what they were about, but I came away feeling like I was doing an important job. I came away feeling the privilege of being allowed into the inner sanctum of people's lives and circumstances. I was moved by the way people said such things as "Hi Dave... " and so very easily shared their situations. I drove from the last fire station to the Church to share in our Friday night drop-in centre, as I stewed on the interactions of the last few hours I was challenged not to let my hurt and anger interfere with this important ministry I was involved in. The guts of my ministry was this week by week presence, listening and sharing. In the light of these deep experiences, some hurt on missing out on the "honour" of an hour in a church service was not worth jeopardizing some real powerful pastoral work. I am still saddened and annoyed, but I know there are more important things. ... On Saturday I went to the open day they had at the fire station with displays and things happening. There were present many retired fire fighters. I spent much of the time shaking hands enthusiastically and catching up with these guys. I was touched by the warmth of their reception and again and again I was asked if I was going to the dinner. It was evident I had been important to them. My weekly work is affirmed in the warmth of relationships, in the readiness to share and in the way I am included by the great majority of guys on the floor. I will suck up my hurt and anger, and continue to build relationships and minister constructively, in spite of what I consider to be thoughtless and ignorant decisions by a few.
Priorities..
In the light of the devastation in Christchurch, the grief of those who have lost loved ones and others losing so much, my lament over some personal slight pales into insignificance. In the light of the Japanese earthquake experience, it really is silly of me to mention this hurt.... 10,000 missing people, and absolute destruction.
See I am learning already.... even though I am a slow learner the practice of "Lament" is working.
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