I survived another Sunday.

I ran again...
Today is the beginning of running again, or at least trying to run again. I have been slowly increasing the exercise I do, and I intend to keep on doing that. I have had a Sunday running friend for several years, but because of my sore knee and her knee surgery, for virtually all of this year our Sunday runs have been Sunday walks. We have had a couple of attempts at running, but these have been a bit premature for her recovery. Her physio has put her on a running program now to get her back training. I have decided it probably is good for me to slowly build up with the same program. Today we began the journey toward regular running again.  Our Sunday runs used to be at least 10k ones, sometimes building up toward a half marathon.  Today it was a short, slow run in the middle of our usual hour long walk. Because of my "bionic plumbing" I have to do it in long pants, but it felt good and everything operated OK. It was good to have a little jog and feel just a little bit young again.
So hard to run a service..
I put a lot of effort into preparing a Sunday service. I try to bring together several elements to make the whole service follow a theme. I still put in the effort but it is harder to get the fire in the belly that I usually have. A part of this is that I am going to retire at the end of next year and I do not see much hope of developments and progress in that final year.  I do not like the concept of just biding my time here so I will continue to do the best I can to build up our friendships and a sense of community. It just takes a bit more effort to feel positive.
A hit to my confidence...
I am wearing a catheter and bag until I get an operation sometime in the next six months. It is now quite comfortable and hardly limits what I can do. But I am aware of its presence all of the time. I worry about it breaking at an embarrassing moment. I worry about it being seen in the leg of my trousers. When I sit down with my trouser leg riding high, can people see the "pee bag"? Is there a bulge in my lower trouser leg when I am standing in front of people? While it is comfortable for me, and I now do not feel it limits me (I can run, play table tennis and work hard physically etc. etc.) I find a certain loss of confidence. When I'm talking with people in chaplaincy I am not as confident. When I am leading a church service I find myself being like a diffident young preacher, with a regular hesitations. Maybe I will get used to it as time goes by, but it is an interesting experience. One physical malfunction makes me feel less of a person somehow. I noticed when I was eating my porridge this morning that my hand was shaking, already stressing about the service.
A funeral on Wednesday
I have to lead a funeral on Wednesday. It is for a lady I have known since I was a teenager. Her and her husband were at our wedding. She became a good friend of my mother, they did a lot of things together in the last years of my mother's life. I supported her a lot as her minister when she was supporting her husband who had a debilitating illness. I was her minister when he died and helped her during this time. Now at 95 she has died and on Wednesday I lead her funeral. I have not led a funeral for a number of months now, so it will be interesting to see how I go. Her daughter-in-law is a friend and fellow minister. She worked with me when she was training. I hope I have enough confidence to do a good job.