This rings bells!

A friend put this on facebook. As I look back on a nearly completed career as a minister this is how I have often felt. To me the Church has so distorted the way of Jesus, or been so polluted by the culture and values around it that so few hear the music! It is extremely sad because they think they do.

Growing up without me.

Oh I wish...
I work on six days of each week and have Mondays off. (Though like today there are frequently work things that need doing.) We received a photo of our grand daughter on Saturday and we were astounded at how much she had grown. We Skyped with the family tonight and were so impressed with this very grown up looking alert baby. All this just made me want to get up there and spend time with her. She will be grown up without knowing her grand parents! But when can I do such a visit? It requires travel to airport, flight nearly the length of NZ, transport to Auckland city and a ferry ride to Waiheke Island. With only one day off a week it is an impossibility!  I get so jealous when I hear of other folk in the church taking a weekend to visit grand children. Maybe I'll pinch a couple of days off before Christmas, get some cheap airfares and disappear?? 
Feels good to be active
I went up my mountain today at a fast pace and jogged down. I really pushed myself and was pleased with what I could do. It is a buzz getting back to some regular and serious exercise. I have a 10k race in March that I am hoping I can do successfully. Because of my bionic plumbing I had to wear long trousers, I would loved to have been in shorts, we have had a brilliant sunny day. 

Already tonight work emails have arrived demanding attention. I have a very busy week ahead, life seems to be cranking up. We have met tonight to begin planning for our 24th Community Christmas dinner. Wow! We can do it ... again.

I survived another Sunday.

I ran again...
Today is the beginning of running again, or at least trying to run again. I have been slowly increasing the exercise I do, and I intend to keep on doing that. I have had a Sunday running friend for several years, but because of my sore knee and her knee surgery, for virtually all of this year our Sunday runs have been Sunday walks. We have had a couple of attempts at running, but these have been a bit premature for her recovery. Her physio has put her on a running program now to get her back training. I have decided it probably is good for me to slowly build up with the same program. Today we began the journey toward regular running again.  Our Sunday runs used to be at least 10k ones, sometimes building up toward a half marathon.  Today it was a short, slow run in the middle of our usual hour long walk. Because of my "bionic plumbing" I have to do it in long pants, but it felt good and everything operated OK. It was good to have a little jog and feel just a little bit young again.
So hard to run a service..
I put a lot of effort into preparing a Sunday service. I try to bring together several elements to make the whole service follow a theme. I still put in the effort but it is harder to get the fire in the belly that I usually have. A part of this is that I am going to retire at the end of next year and I do not see much hope of developments and progress in that final year.  I do not like the concept of just biding my time here so I will continue to do the best I can to build up our friendships and a sense of community. It just takes a bit more effort to feel positive.
A hit to my confidence...
I am wearing a catheter and bag until I get an operation sometime in the next six months. It is now quite comfortable and hardly limits what I can do. But I am aware of its presence all of the time. I worry about it breaking at an embarrassing moment. I worry about it being seen in the leg of my trousers. When I sit down with my trouser leg riding high, can people see the "pee bag"? Is there a bulge in my lower trouser leg when I am standing in front of people? While it is comfortable for me, and I now do not feel it limits me (I can run, play table tennis and work hard physically etc. etc.) I find a certain loss of confidence. When I'm talking with people in chaplaincy I am not as confident. When I am leading a church service I find myself being like a diffident young preacher, with a regular hesitations. Maybe I will get used to it as time goes by, but it is an interesting experience. One physical malfunction makes me feel less of a person somehow. I noticed when I was eating my porridge this morning that my hand was shaking, already stressing about the service.
A funeral on Wednesday
I have to lead a funeral on Wednesday. It is for a lady I have known since I was a teenager. Her and her husband were at our wedding. She became a good friend of my mother, they did a lot of things together in the last years of my mother's life. I supported her a lot as her minister when she was supporting her husband who had a debilitating illness. I was her minister when he died and helped her during this time. Now at 95 she has died and on Wednesday I lead her funeral. I have not led a funeral for a number of months now, so it will be interesting to see how I go. Her daughter-in-law is a friend and fellow minister. She worked with me when she was training. I hope I have enough confidence to do a good job. 

What would Jesus do?

Today I arrived early at the office to get some tasks done. One of the tasks on my "to do" list is to deliver a letter to an unsavoury character banning him from Space2B.  At one level it runs against the inclusive Spirit of Jesus, so I find it difficult to do. It is like accepting defeat in the struggle of love against evil. My theory is that love overcomes evil, but this feels like I am denying that. But I have to protect other people and the atmosphere of Space2B from this guy. Maybe it is tough love? I typed up this meditation on Psalm 56 by Lesley Brandt for worship sometime soon. It is kind of how I feel lately. I share it with you.

O God, I have tried incessantly

to transmit Your love to people about me.

I shared my possessions;

I gave my time;

I used your gifts given to me to support,

To help, and to bless others

who were in need.

But I feel as if I have been used, O God.

People have wiped their feet on me.

They take what I have to offer and then go on their way,

totally oblivious to my problems and pains.

They act as if I were in debt to them –

as if it were my duty to share myself with them.

But even as I groan in complaint, O Lord,

I know that it is Your course for me.

Even as they use You, so they will use me.

Truly, O God, I have nothing to lose,

For it is in losing that I truly find

that which is of everlasting value.

You are aware of my frustrations,

my feelings of emptiness and loneliness.

You have promised to replenish my vessel,

to make me a channel for Your eternal springs.

I am in debt, O Lord,

to suffering humanity about me.

I must be emptied again and again –

only to be filled from your boundless resources

and then to pour out once more

Your blessings upon those in need.

You have delivered me from the wasteland of need.

Therefore I dedicate myself anew

to the task of channeling Your gifts

to the parched lives of others.

(Leslie Brandt’s meditation on Psalm 56.)

The Mountain two days later...

On Monday I walked up Mount Cargill in hail and snow. I was all rugged up with waterproof clothing and warm winter woolies underneath. Last night (Wednesday) after work I went (at 5:30 p.m.) up "my" mountain again. (It is a great way to do sermon preparation ) In contrast to Monday I walked up with sunshine coming through the bush. Instead of tramping boots and winter woolies I wore the lightest of clothing, running shoes and still got hot. I used to go for runs regularly, but now aging knee prevents serious running.  As I walked I was thinking that the fast climb up is probably more aerobically challenging than my 10 k jogs were and the continual stepping up must be good for leg muscles. Up and down is one and a half hour's of exercise, it is less stressful on my knee joints, I can do it with my bionic plumbing and the bush and scenery are delightful. With daylight saving I can fit it in after work. I still hope to get back into running, but my mountain climb will be as good as my runs used to be for a while. I took the photos above from the top, three different angles of Dunedin City. I imagined a city full of people unwinding after the day's activities.   

Spring snow!

It is Labour Day in NZ today and a Monday holiday. I'm not sure why we still celebrate it, for many the things sought after back then (40 hour week, weekends etc.) are not a reality in today's super efficient mean labour market. We had a relatively sunny morning, but this afternoon rain and hail have been coming through. I decided to rug up and go up my mountain. Up there it was snowing and a beautiful winter wonderland. It has been a few weeks since I have climbed the mountain and the first time since I have been fitted with this "bionic plumbing system." (Catheter & bag) It was good to do it because it made me feel less like an invalid.

Search for meaning...

A photo taken in Egypt during the early months of my father's war experience.

El Alamein
The Battle of El Alamein happened 70 years ago and there have been ceremonies remembering that event. There were 7000 kiwi casualties with around 1300 killed. My father was in the Eighth Army in the NZ Artillery and fought in that campaign. As I read the reports of the veterans visiting friend's graves at the ceremonies I could not help but think of my father. He would have known many of those who were killed. He did not talk much about the war, but he did mention once to me how he had to give orders or make decisions that sometimes resulted in casualties. It was the nature of war that he had to take men into dangerous circumstances and ask them to fight. He rose to the rank of Regimental Sergeant Major and I think the Battle of El Alamein had a major impact on his life. I remember him especially this weekend, he had/has a profound impact on who I am.
Frankl makes sense
I continue to be saddened by the things that happen in our community. I read of violence regularly and there are heaps of examples of senseless vandalism. Jewish graves in an Auckland cemetery were sprayed with swastikas. As I drove into the Church car park this morning there were signs that a group had a party there last night. Beer and vodka bottles were strewn around, a shopping trolly lay up against the building and a pipe had been torn off the wall and smashed. There have been an number of deaths on the road this holiday weekend. Many of those as the result of alcohol use. I had to deal with a situation where sexual harassment had been alleged during the week. I am astounded to read every week of young girls suffering abuse from men they should have been able to trust. At drop in centre on Friday night a guy kept saying to me "If ....... even looks at me, I'm goin' to smash his face in. I'm warning you Dave!" "No you're not. Not up here! Leave him alone. Stay clear of him." But this guy was a bit paranoid and the only way he knew how to deal with it was violence. Fortunately nothing untoward happened. Why violence? Why vandalism? Why abuse of alcohol? Why the abuse?
My mind went back to the You Tube clips I watched recently of Viktor Frankl speaking. He talks of the basic need for humans is to have a sense of meaning in life. Happiness is a by-product of living for a truly meaningful cause. When we pursue happiness she will always allude us. But when we live for some cause or meaning bigger than ourselves we find happiness. (Jesus said, "When we lose our life we find it." ) For Frankl, when people have no meaning they do meaningless things, like violence, vandalism, abuse of alcohol and drug taking. When we have no real meaning to live for we default to the "will to power" or "the will to pleasure", and sometimes the unrestrained will to power and pleasure. Our basic concern, according to Frankl, is "finding and fulfilling a meaning in life." He says that the "will to pleasure and the will to power are substitutes for the frustrated will to meaning." I see in chaplaincies, church and community work a deep poverty. So many people have no deep meaning in life. I like Frankl's perspectives. They are so relevant!
Reflecting on an illustrative conversation
I went for a walk with my friend this afternoon. She was asking about my Saturday and how I spent it. I told her about spending time at the Night Shelter/Phoenix Lodge cleaning and tidying. At Phoenix Lodge we offer transitional accommodation for people who come out of prison. She asked me, "Do you enjoy that?" I did not really know what to answer, so did not give a definitive answer.  We were cleaning up somebody else's unsavoury mess. At one level you don't really enjoy having to do that... but.. at another level I found it deeply fulfilling, and so I could have answered, "Well...Yes I enjoyed it."  Here is why. One of my deep meanings in life is to live in such a way that I help make life better for others. - To support and help facilitate others in finding a whole and fulfilling life. The purpose of Phoenix Lodge fits into that meaning, so even when I am cleaning up mouldy left over food for that bigger purpose, I find it rewarding, and at a deep level "enjoyable".  Happiness is a by-product.  Does that make sense?