I recall a retired minister telling me as a young student that he would never conduct a wedding away from a church setting. He claimed that the wedding belonged within the community of the church. A funeral director, a very religious man, once said to me that he would never conduct a funeral for anyone who did not want it to be religious. I can understand all these positions but I have differed.
Since Christmas I have taken four wedding services, only one was in church. (A confirmation of vows really, a western style service for a Japanese couple.) In the first weeks of chaplaincy at the brewery I was asked to take a funeral. As I talked with the family the instructions were clear and to the point... "No bullshit and no religion!" ... ("Short funeral" I remember thinking at the time.)
When I take funerals or weddings I talk with the family about what sort of "religion" they want. As I talk and listen I am sensitive to where they are at. In the ceremony I often turn what would be prayers into "statements" or "affirmations". I will introduce them by saying, "Shall we join in a statement (sometimes affirmation) or prayer..." At the end of such prayers or statements, I will sometimes say... "I pray in the name of Jesus" allowing others the freedom to identify or not. I am happy to take weddings where ever it suits the couple and family. Nearly all my weddings are not in the church setting. I recall taking a wedding on a beach down the Otago Peninsula. At the rehearsal we placed a rock near where the bride would stand the next day. When we arrived the next day that rock was under water! The tide had come in.
I have had criticism from religious people who claim I am "wishy washy" and not making a strong "witness to Christ". They say that as a minister of the gospel I should be unashamedly religious and present the gospel through prayers, scripture readings etc. I would claim that I am witnessing to Christ, to the love of Christ. Jesus went about meeting people and ministering to them at their point of need. In the story of the good Samaritan, he decried those who let religious protocol leave a dying man on the side of the road. I believe by meeting people at their point of understanding I am witnessing to the love of Christ. I am willing to reach out, "empty myself" so that I can relevantly minister to them in ways they can identify with. What I endeavour to do is to lead people to experience the sacredness of the occasion, the sacredness in human life or relationships, whether or not they can or are willing to name that sacredness "God". One feedback I got once was, "Somehow you brought God into it without mentioning him." An athiest fire fighter once said to me that at my funerals "you do not feel offended or left out."
It takes a lot more work to sort out wording to suit the people involved. It often leads to situations where you are not in control or you are uncomfortable, because you are on their territory. I keep thinking, however, that Jesus would do the same sort of thing. That this is what "the word became flesh" was all about. I have the privilege often of shouting "God" "silently" just by being there for and with people in these important moments of their life. (Photo: a naming ceremony carefully worked out with the couple involved. Conducted in their lounge)
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