Char has gone to prison. I first met Char when she was 13. She came with her parents to our drop-in centre. Some of us discussed then if she was a girl or a boy, she was such a tom-boy. She could handle a pool cue and I played endless games of pool with her. We had an ongoing rivalry. She had a cute way of screwing up her face when she missed a shot, and beamed all over with pride when a tricky one came off for her, and would look at me to make sure I had noticed. She asked me once if God was male or female. I learned she was good at art and she did a couple of posters that we hung on the wall. ... one said, "God Rocks!" another "God Loves us all!" Then she grew older and tended to stop chatting. I recall once her and a couple of mates were doing some stupid stuff and I went down and sat on the fence where they were smoking and harassing others. I sat and listened to their prattle and asked questions then warned them. I reminded them of a woman who comes who is perpetually drunk, lives rough and whose life is a mess. I said that they were headed in that direction. Some listened and changed for the better, Char didn't. I was tickled last year she brought a mate along and I heard her say, "That's Dave. He's cool. He's the best pool player here."(which is incorrect) Anyway she has progressively got into more trouble and last week she went to prison as a 19year old. I ache for her. Looking at her she has these big eyes in which you can see anger- sadness and mostly a lost little girl, who is trying to look tough with tatts and cynical sneer. I love her (Not in that way) but she doesn't know it. It hurts to know she is going to prison. I read a prison chaplain's comment on prison life and he called them "Universities for criminals." He said most come out worse than they went in. Have I failed her? What more could/should I have done?
Joel went to prison last week too. Joel is a great guy. I helped him build his house. We talked together, we sweated together and we laughed. I found him to be a hard worker. He was a quick thinker with a quick wit. He was simply delightful to work with. Too much booze and too much anger and too often over stepping the mark has led to this imprisonment. And again it hurts me! I ache for him. I saw his kids the other day and I wanted to give them all a big hug. They looked so sad, big brown sad Maori eyes.
Terry, I have known for 20years is still drinking and gambling. Gary and Chris were drunk last Friday. Brian still cant control his temper while playing pool. Fred's marriage is still heading downhill. Tayla has run away from home and broken her grandma's heart. And I heard Stephan is in trouble with the law. etc. etc. And the thing is they don't know that I love them and it hurts me to see them this way.
I once watched a horse race (Derby I think) on TV. At various jumps horses fell and jockeys were spilled on the ground, but the race went on. The racing horses just barrelled over top of the fallen horses and jockeys and carried on to the next jump, and so it went on. I think some how the Joel's and Chars of this world are like those jockeys. For various reasons they stumble and fall in life and everyone in our society just races on, no one stops to pick them up, or help them to their feet. And they are injured and every time they get on their feet again, they just keep on falling. The world races on.
But...
I listened to a church man pontificating about "young people today, they have no respect!". He was saying "they" should do something about them.... "teach them a lesson" ... It doesn't hurt him that Char went to prison! I doubt he knows any "Chars"! He lives life in a protective bubble, well within his comfort zone! I heard of a church with 25 members wanting to raise $2million to restore their historic church building! Would Jesus have that priority in this world? A man in my church complained because the church pews had been moved and he said, "This is serious!" ... yeah right! I heard another had complained because no one had publicly thank him for some thing he had done! Another man complained to me because I signed my emails off with "Cheers"! It annoyed him. ... I wanted to scream. Someone else complains about the way I lead communion.. the prayers are not in the right order. People's lives are being flushed down the toilet and are already in hell and followers of Jesus are arguing about "angels on pinheads"!
One old song had the repeated refrain, "Love Hurts". It does. There is a part of me that wishes I could live life in a bubble and not care about the "Chars, Terry's, Joel's, etc" of this world, but I can't and sometimes I despair. But then I get those deep down feelings that this hurting, loving, caring and sharing is what makes life significant, meaningful and ultimately rewarding.
1 comment:
Then these wayward ones from your flock also have to find the things that "make life significant, meaningful and ultimately rewarding". Would you really wave a magic wand and change their circumstances? Maybe the Man Upstairs could rearrange their lives. Brian could magically never miss a shot when playing pool. Char could magically be 13 again and you could give her even more ("What more could/should I have done?"). You said their lives are "being flushed down the toilet"... It can't always be everybody else's fault, can it? Most people who have a lot of pain and struggle in their lives do not prey on others (ie. become petty criminals); but along comes someone who decides, "I will make your life even harder and cause you some real misery" -- by stealing, bashing, or raping. I know it's a very difficult issue, but you can only cry for someone for so long before you have to say, "They have made their own bed, and now they have to lie in it." No third party (whether God or Man) can help someone until they take responsibility for themselves. You have written so well of your love for these guys... But I have trouble with the "hard life" plea because I know too many people and families who have had it REALLY hard (in all sorts of ways) who don't victimise others. I like your jockey analogy... "no one stops to pick them up, or help them to their feet" -- I agree we should all help each other back onto our horses, but you can't assume those still on their horses had it any easier than those who fall off and just lie there waiting for someone to pick them up.
Great post.
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