Friendships

My mum kept in touch with a friend from the age 17 through to when she died. They worked together when they were 17. The intervening years saw all sorts of ups and downs in their on-again-off-again friendship. They were very different. Mum, conservative, non-dramatic, hard working, tea-total, nose to the grindstone. My "auntie" a drama queen, outgoing, talented in singing and drama, effusive, party going etc etc. Listening to telephone conversations was often interesting. Voices would get higher and higher, then, "I'm NOT talking!" and slam would go the receiver. Yet they remained "friends" for well over 60 years. She had a few other less dramatic friendships which lasted the same time span. She was a lucky lady but also perhaps, did things which deserved those friendships.

I am not good at making friends. I have a whole heap of acquaintances who I enjoy and chat with etc. but few close friends. There are a lot of reasons for that. I trust few with who I am... blogging is sort of anonymous and different. I think childhood experiences contributed to this. I think too my dad's death also contributed. Here I was just making friends with my dad. I loved the days I worked with him, we talked at depth. Then he up and dies on me! I think that made me not want to get too close to people, so I am friendly but "reserved" in any friendship.

I have had two friendships break up. Both really quite long term deep friendships where I had risked being close and open. Then on a difference of opinion over important matters both friendship soured and there were strong angry words spoken. I think one of my problems is that I try to be tolerant, and let things ride, not wanting to cause conflict. But if it all gets too much, then I let fly all the pent up thoughts I have had and have kept silent about. Small conflicts along the way, may have been better and more honest communication. When we talk now it is polite, "friendly" but "you keep your distance" conversation. One break up hurt me and damaged my confidence deeply, thus helping me to understand what a divorce must be like. I guess these confirmed my "don't trust people" instincts and made me more independent.

I have one or two friends with whom I have argued strongly over faith and life issues, but we have remained friends, perhaps even firmer because of the openness. They are the sort who though you may be distant and don't see each other, you just drop into a natural, open conversation whenever you do get to see each other. Sadly one of those friends died earlier this year.

I have had a lot of friends who are now acquaintances. Because we shared a class, a project or a hobby for a while we became thick for a time. Then as time passed the interests you once had have changed and you realise that as people, you have little in common. Most often it is gradual, the energy for keeping in touch dies and you lose any regular contact. When you see them there is warmth and fond memories, great "catching up" conversation, but no energy to keep the ties going. The change happens gradually, but sometimes it is an overnight recognition that you are just very different people, and its not worth the effort. There are few people who listen to who you are. There are many it seems, who when you express a half thought or tentative feeling, come up with a three point sermon to fix your problem. All you wanted was a listening ear! On the other hand, there are some, like me, who don't let you too near.

I have lots of acquaintances who I wish I could spend more time with. Through my activities I come into contact with some quality people in the likes of Habitat, Night Shelter and chaplaincy. We share when engaged in this work, but we all have busy lives and relaxed times of conversation and involvement in each other's lives just does not get to happen. There is, however, a deep sense of partnership, where you feel you have deep values and purposes you hold in common. I am lucky in that in my activities I enjoy a whole host of friendly, warm and affirming conversations, which help make up for my lack of close friendships. I guess I will continue to be a bit of a loner for the rest of my life. Not like my mum. We are all different.