What a bugger! Sad news.

I went to St John on Friday and they told me of attending a suicide. They were circumspect, but I learned it was "up the road" and they told me of a few of the sad details. I felt sad then and empathised with the paramedics, one of whom said, "You never get used to it!"

This morning when I opened up my paper I learned that it was a man I had been involved with through Habitat and church. He came to one of our mid-week meals less than two weeks ago. I have been shell shocked and sad all morning. (It actually would be easier not to know the details)

It would be much easier not to feel for people or get involved with people. When something like this happens, or when people you are involved with keep making silly decisions in life and get in messes, it hurts. You feel guilty, helpless and a failure. But my guess is that most of my church and my other acquaintances who knew this man, will not feel the pain in the same way I do. They mostly watch their boundaries, staying a safe distance from any real involvement with people. Often our conversations are talking at people, it saves any real involvement. Often we just keep people at a distance, our conversation superficial and our focus mostly on our needs, so we never, unless it is someone real close, have to feel this pain. And maybe that's how it is meant to be? I am today, jealous of people who can do that.

At the moment I feel like saying "Bugger the world! I am sick of feeling for others!" I feel like  running away from my job and community involvements to a different, more selfish lifestyle.  

But....

... then there is this voice inside me that says, "This death shows you how important it is that people should be involved, hang in there, keep doing it and being there... increase your efforts."

I guess that's what I'll do... but just now it feels like crap. It's my day off and I went up to the Habitat house thinking I might finish some jobs. But  I looked at it and just could not be bothered getting into it. I may climb a mountain or something later in the day to celebrate life.