Dunedin, New Zealand, my city - my people

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

When is it over?

I have been forced to think about this question a few times in my life. It is often a question that raises its head. I was talking to a man the other day who was telling me about his marriage. As he talked I was thinking, "Heck if that was how my marriage was I would be out of there!" I have been with numbers of couples who have struggled with the question, "Is it worth working on our marriage or should we just part company?" Have they drifted apart so much that its just too hard, false and a waste of time to keep "something" alive? If we did preserve it, would it be worth it?

I once rented a house out to tenants. They ripped us off by not paying rent, not looking after the grounds and damaging the house. Each time we would negotiate I would be too soft. When do you kick them out? When do you break ties? I know people at this moment having to ask the same question about tenants.

We run a drop-in centre and sometimes the behaviour of the people there is not what you would like. It has even been threatening or abusive. When do you ban people from the drop-in? You want to be as accepting and as loving as Jesus, but how do you draw the line when the behaviour can hurt others? Sometimes too, for your own sanity you need to cry "Enough!"

Sometimes the relationship is with organisations. I have been in Habitat for Humanity since 1995 but it has changed. I have tried to debate those changes locally, nationally and even internationally at one stage. When do you part company? When do you say "I can't identify with this organisation any more!"? The general identity and thrust of the denomination I am in has changed. (To be fair too, I have changed.) When do I say "goodbye" ? When is it not tenable to call myself a minister in this denomination? I have expanded my theology and thinking about the christian faith. I think I am still a follower of Jesus, but I know some people who would question if I am a Christian or not. Should I get out of ministry because of that?

I have had friendships where I realised that we no longer had common ground. I recall sweating over a letter a friend sent me where he outlined his differences of opinion about the things we were doing together. I strongly disagreed with him, but I knew that if I spoke my mind I would lose a long standing friend. I decided I had accepted rubbish too long and drove around to where he was and told him what I thought. The break up was profound, hurt me deeply and was never fully restored. I met a man down the street just now who was a mutual acquaintance and in conversation was reminded of that deep hurt. But when in friendships do you call it quits? Author Gordon McDonald says that friends should refresh you and not be a drain upon you. They should be an affirming presence in your life. But I guess we all are a draining presence at some time on friend's lives, and we would have no friends at all if we didn't have some tolerance and forgiveness. But when do you draw the line and how do you decide?

I am intrigued about how often this question comes up in life. It's all about tolerance, boundaries, "rights", and what you find helpful or unhelpful for the general direction of your life. All I know is that I have generally stayed "loyal" for too long, and sometimes been unhappy because of it.

1 comment:

Anthony said...

There have been so many thought-provoking posts on here lately. With a relationship/friendship it can be very worthwhile to move through pain and into pleasure again. It can be a "pain" to work through something, or to carry someone, but if you have that pleasure again at some stage, well, it was worth it. But if it's pain that never seems to end, if the rocky road goes on and on, well... who wants to have a painful relationship? All things come to an end. Death will end everything, but sometimes we have to make the hard decision. Better the pain of saying good-bye than enduring something that shows every sign of going on and on the same way, or worse.

I really believe a true friendship is a transaction. You are good for me, and I am good for you. You do this for me, and I do that for you. As soon as you feel put upon, and if that feeling looks to lasting a very long time, things are out of kilter, and you no longer have a true friendship. You are a charity and your pal is a beneficiary.

That is my opinion. I know we don't always see eye to eye.

All the posts lately have been great. You're starting to get deeper and deeper I have noticed!