In my work the last few weeks have been sad that way and they prompt me to spout forth. People will tell of their final separation, and then will tell of all the events, ways of being and adventures that preceded this final decision or action. As people tell me about the nature of their relating and of how they live together, I often find myself aching for them. Each partner seems to be "killing" the other as a person. They end up relating or not relating in such a way that the inner spirit, the self-esteem, their confidence and their friendship is destroyed. What happens is the exact opposite of what marriage should be. Sometimes too they have lived for years in that soul destroying atmosphere. The feeling of failure as a person that people load on themselves, can be hard to bear and drain their soul.
We have warnings on cigarette packages warning that "smoking can be detrimental to your health." I have often stood before couples at a wedding and felt like giving a similar warning. When you commit yourself to another, it is a dangerous and risky business. It can be a healthy, life-giving and life enhancing relationship that you enjoy. But at the same time when you give your love to another you are risking your inner being. (Whether in marriage or not) You are making yourself vulnerable and that person can hurt you deeply and what was a life-giving relationship can end up being a soul destroying reality. This can get particularly complicated. There is a sense in which I would love to give this sort of warning to all who make this commitment! "It can be detrimental to your health". Maybe such a warning should be put on the marriage license you get before the ceremony?
One of my sons decided he would move in with his girl-friend. I turned up with my van to help him move his stuff. I began to say, "About this moving in with...." He jumped in before I finished my sentence. "I know its not what you and mum would have done, but what's right for you is not necessarily right for me!" he said strongly, thinking I was going to preach to him about the "morality" of it all. "No" I replied, "That's not my concern. It's your life and your decision, all I want to say is be careful you don't hurt each other. Always do your best to relate with respect to each other. Moving in together just opens up the potential for deeper hurt. Look after each other."
Let me say that as I have done my work, of listening as people have described how they are relating at home, I have often said to myself, "If that was happening in my marriage I would do my darndest to change things, or demand that we need to work on changing things."
Having said all this negative stuff about giving yourself to another, I would still advise people that the risk is worth it. If you don't risk, you will never know the intimacy, friendship and partnership that is possible. Even if you have been through a rough partnership, I would say, don't let it harden you to the possibilities that are there. It can be one of the most beautiful things in life's experiences. It is worth working at to keep a relationship functioning as it can. It is worth the risk of giving yourself to another. I love the words of the song, "The Rose". They are eternally true about life and relationships.
"The Rose"
Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you its only seed.
It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.
Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you its only seed.
It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.
No comments:
Post a Comment