Gee I was good... darn it!

I have come back to the church after leading most of a professional development day for workplace chaplains. The subject was debriefing and defusing after a critical incident. Toward the end of the day, as I sat and listened to the various groups doing role plays and as I reflected on the day I could not help but think..... "I was good! I am a good communicator." I can pick where people are coming from and generally make a connection. I can break abstract ideas down to a manageable level so that people can take them on board with a degree of confidence. I can listen, draw out discussion and dialogue well. I could have been better prepared today. Maybe if I was in sole charge of the day there may have been some things I would have done differently. But I think most, if not all chaplains went home feeling good about their day. - I was good at my job! My boss said I was "perfect".

As I prepared for the day and dialogued with the chaplains through the day I also realised that, "Gee I have heaps of accumulated wisdom and experience to draw on! When did I get to know so much?" The years of experience and of being forced out of my comfort zone have brought knowledge.

That makes it very difficult. I have wanted to run away from my job and work at a hardware store. I have worked in a hardware store before and enjoyed it and was good at it too. But have I the "right" to opt out? If I am good at communicating ... whether it be teaching, preaching, interacting, leading funerals and weddings etc. is it wrong to go sell tap washers, taps, baths, toilet cisterns etc. in a hardware store? Presently I must admit to barely coping with the responsibilities of ministry/chaplaincy. My stress levels are "up there" every week. It feels like it would be good to have a simpler job. But then, for "selfish ends", I would deplete the church and chaplaincy of a guy, good at his job? I know that no one is indispensable, but if I opt out I will let people down.

I was talking to some folk the other day about my options. I had said to them that I would let a lot of people down if I opted out. Their response was, "You have to look after yourself. You let yourself down if you don't look after yourself." They urged me to go explore the other simpler job. I thought about that for a while then replied, "Maybe for me, I will let myself down if I let other people down?" There is something very fulfilling about a day like today. I am tired, no - exhausted, and I still have heaps of work to do and the drop-in centre to attend. I put a lot of effort into preparation, it stretched my mind. But as I stewed on the day it was a deep thrill to be able to do it. -To encourage the chaplains. - To help give them tools to work with. - To help them go into their very difficult job with just a little bit more confidence. Will I let myself down, will I be wasting my "life force" if I opt out? Maybe if I went to sell tap washers I would be just as stressed because I won't be getting those deep fulfilling moments?

Being good at something is good, but it is also a pain in the butt. It means you have a greater responsibility to use that ability wisely and well. Bugger!