Home again after Christchurch earthquake.

I have been in Christchurch for four days, where they have had a devastating earthquake. I went up partly to be there with Fire Crews and ambulance staff who were going from Dunedin and also to provide support for the the Canterbury/Westland Workplace Support Region. We spent a lot of time talking and listening with people going through and/or helping out in the earthquake. We talked with firefighters, rescue workers, ambulance personnel, crane drivers, engineers, factory workers, security staff and all sorts of other people. We heard a whole variety of stories. We walked through streets strewn with rubble, liquefaction sand and large cracks or holes in the road. I saw cars that looked like they were made of paper, with large lumps of concrete squashing them. We walked between buildings, deeply aware that another shake could happen and potentially make life dangerous in a matter of seconds. It was in many ways a special time. We felt privileged to be allowed into people's lives, to be so close to the heros and in some way to be allowed to make a contribution. It was a special time too because the three of us got on so well. About mid-afternoon on Saturday we headed for home.

Lost Trust... It was strange driving home, I realised that I had lost my trust of and love of nature. We drove over the Rakaia River and I looked out. Normally I would appreciate the flowing water, its colour and its life. Now it was as if it was in black and white. We stopped the car in Ashburton, and I clambered out, but I still felt like I didn't trust the concrete under my feet. Nature, the grass, the hills the very ground I walked upon I no longer trusted. If I had got to this stage in four days, what about the people living in Christchurch? Having suffered two major earthquakes within a few months, and thousands of "after shocks" they must be completely cynical about nature!

Drained... I got home and found I was not really listening in conversation, and was still mentally in Christchurch. I felt deeply sad for the people of Christchurch, still wondering how we could have helped more, feeling guilty for coming away. I was, I guess just still in the place of despair and sadness, drained emotionally, with very little to give in relationship.

Not ready to talk... My daughter had agreed to lead today's service at church, but I had said that I would talk briefly about what we had experienced in Christchurch. As Angela introduced the service I felt a lump form in my throat. We then sang a hymn especially written for the earthquake and as I sang I choked up, and could not finish the song. I began to wonder if I could do my talk. I managed to do it but a woman came up after the service and said, "Are you alright? Who is caring for you?"

It is funny, I think I am bullet proof and coping, but today I admit that the time spent in Christchurch has had an impact. I will handle it, I will learn from the experience, but it has been a deeply powerful four days in Christchurch.

The first thing I learned is "appreciate the people in your life". As I looked at buildings knowing that there were dead people in there and people desperately mourning their loss or waiting for news of their loved ones I remembered that people are important.