The Dreaded return.
I was driving down the Canterbury Plains toward home on Tuesday afternoon. The next day I would be home from my holiday and working again. My stomach started knotting up. I really did not feel like I wanted to start work again! Why? I knew that there were needs in my chaplaincies and I have been struggling to find the time to fit all my hours in already. Then of course I am behind in my statistics, they take a heap of time. I wasn't thrilled about even starting into chaplaincy work again. Then there was church work. Why try? I seem to work my heart out with little to show for it. There are no great numbers of younger people fronting up. I preach my heart out then doubt that anyone takes much notice. We do not seem to be able to keep any younger people with us even if they are initially attracted. A part of the problem is my preaching. In my experience the truths of the Christian faith become real when you reach out in service. Following Jesus means that we are just not sitting on our bums hoping for heaven, but looking for ways to serve people. In this society people seem to want instant gratification and this sort of message will never make our services popular. People prefer a "Bless me Jesus" religion, or none at all... "don't disturb my life!" But what else can I do and still be true to myself and to Jesus as I see him? It is sooo hard and draining keeping the traditional Church going, and at the same time doing some sort of experimental stuff in other parts of the church. So driving home I was thinking. Why didn't I give up when I was thinking about it and apply for that Mitre ten job? Will I dump all my chaplaincies and just concentrate on the church for my last three years of working life till retirement? Maybe I should look for another church somewhere? Perhaps it is time to move? I just dreaded the thought of coming back and getting into the mad lifestyle of busyness, frustration and all the tension involved.
I arrived home... One of the letters that had been placed on our table was a letter from the Doctor saying I had to go to the hospital for tests and probably a biopsy... "men's plumbing problems". That didn't thrill me. I still don't know what the X-ray will say about my knee. While on holiday I had done some thinking about today's sermon. The reading was "love your enemies" and I thought I'd use as an illustration the anti-Muslim spam I continually receive. Well one of my long standing Church members had sent me an anti-Muslim email! I have been preaching here for over 20 years and he still thinks this way and seemed unaware that I would not appreciate the email???? All this did nothing to stop my dread of starting, and my feelings of wanting to quit everything!
The reality.
From Wednesday afternoon I have visited all four of my chaplaincy sites, I have spent time in Space2B, (Our church open to people at lunch time) been part of our drop-in centre opening for the first time this year, prepared and presented a church service and attended a church barbecue with nearly forty others. Let me paint you some heart warming pictures. In all my chaplaincy places people talked with me about personal issues. Hassles they were having. Experiences with the kids. Health issues. I came away feeling strangely warmed, thinking of the great privilege I have to be allowed into people's lives. * In the three days that I have been home whenever I have walked into Space2B there has been a feeling of warmth and acceptance, with a buzz of conversation, people sharing with people. Emi, a Hungarian lady we recently employed part time to help with Space2B is doing a great job as hostess. * A card I received in the mailbox at the Church read, "Thank you so much for so capably leading the funeral service for our mum last month. We were very grateful for the smooth and stress-free way you were able to pull together various strands of her life... etc. etc." * As we opened the drop-in centre, people expressed their relief and appreciation that we were there once again on Friday nights. At one stage I looked over the gathering, watching the action, and I thought, "This is 'of God' and significant." My wife was buzzing around talking with people helping them. People were enjoying each others' company, playing pool, talking, reading or just watching. Emi, originally a teacher was busy entertaining two little girls, taking photos, putting them on a computer, helping them write a story, and in her element. Guests were taking responsibility for doing some dishes and helping each other. I looked and thought, "this is good stuff going down here! It really is worthwhile!" * I prepared for today's service still saying, "What's the use?" I have been rattling on about "love" for 20 odd years! But I prepared diligently. I had U tube song, "Make me a channel of your peace". I showed the Gandhi non-violence speech from the film. I got into the subject and "lost myself" in passion as I presented it. As I led I could tell people were switched on, having to think and "getting it!". I don't know if it will make a difference but I do know it was a good attempt at leading worship on the theme. * This afternoon I grumbled about having to attend a church barbecue. But even there I was pleasantly surprised. There were about 40 there, a whole variety of people and people once again seemed at home with each other, relaxed and conversing well and easily. It seemed warm and inclusive. I even got to go off by myself and run from Waikouaiti to Karitane along a beautifully arched beach!
I still dread the busyness, the sense of rushing from one thing to another all the time and the tension of always having stuff hanging over my head. But in the few days back it has felt like I facilitate some significant life-enhancing happenings - what more could I ask for?
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