I have been a cry baby in the last week, and I don't know why. Me, David Brown has cried. I never cry! When I was at school and got the strap or the cane from my teachers I would purposely hold it together. I would grimly accept the punishment, eyeball the teacher and put a grin on my face.... never cry. This tactic made one poor teacher lose her cool and strap me around the legs in an angry frenzy. Even on ocassion when my dad or mum hit me I would never cry in front of them, never show they had beaten me, just glare coldly at them. Mum broke a series of spatulas on us, dad used his army web belt (until we hid it under the bath) and then it was any stick he could grab.... one of granddad's old walking sticks came in handy. But me cry? ... nah. I have cried a couple of times after taking a funeral of people I have loved... once it was compounded with grief from my mum's death at which I never cried. But with the death of my friend Ian I have cried more than at any other time. When I arrived in Adelaide and my other friend Jeff met me we hugged and cried! Two men? When I was preparing for the memorial service and running over the lines, I choked up. Alone in bed, thinking of the journey Ian and I had come, the discussions we'd had, I choked up. When Ian's daughter started the funeral by singing "the Rose" I was watering up and choking by the end of the first verse. Doing my part in the funeral, I struggled to hold it together. Saying "goodbye" to Jeff at the airport, I choked up and virtually had to text him with what I wanted to say when I sat in the departure lounge.
I have been trying to figure out why it hurts so much? Maybe my tears are a build up of all the sadnesses I experience?? I loved Ian, but he could be such a pain sometimes .... very controlling. And if having friends hurts so much when they are gone, why have them?
I am a bit like that. When I was a child there were some things that happened that made me not trust adult people. ... nothing big mind you, but big and formative for a little boy. Then I was just starting to enjoy relating to my father as a friend and he up and died on me. I know that because of these events I find it hard getting close to people or allowing people to get close to me. Since then I have had two close friends in my life who I have had a disagreements with and our friendship has broken up. Each time it has hurt! I have got close and allowed people to get close but they have (from my perspective) turned on me and dented my self esteem and confidence in a big way. So I tend to be a loner.... lots of friendly acquaintances, but few real friends. It is safe that way.
When I first met Ian 37 years ago I was turned off by him. He seemed to me to be dogmatic and conservative theologically. Jeff was more my type and he lived in the same building, so we chatted more often. Then I think I was drawn to Ian because at least he was "real". He was prepared to think. He was also fun to be around with a ready laugh.... though often as a kiwi I was the target of his joking. Over the years we have evolved together. We had just started skyping together and that made me feel less alone.... then he up and dies!
I value the friends I have. I hope I am a good friend. I hope I do not get more "stand offish" because of this loss.
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