"I am, I cried..."

I enjoyed a day off today. I split wood, tidied up my workshop a little and then went on a bike ride. While you split wood and ride, you think. I have been thinking about my drop in people and others. 

My drop-in centre people are really quite sad. (see previous post) It is sometimes hard to strike up any sort of longish conversation with them because they have NOTHING in their lives. Just survival. Trying hard to be "normal".

I have a friend whose son was the victim of an unprovoked attack by fellow school pupils last week. He was left beaten and unconscious. Why? From my contact with him he is the nicest inoffensive young man. A guy walked up to him and said, "Do you want a fight?" Of course he said "no" but was attacked anyway and it was recorded on cell phones. The offenders are too young to go to court. Good grief!

Tonight as I rode home looking forward to a relaxing night, I received a message from my wife. She would not be home when I got home. She had received a phone call. A lady we know, a mother of several children, was drunk and was threatening suicide. So my wife took off to see if she could sort her out, or prevent the tragedy. Relaxing night gone! 

Because of what I do I often touch the fringe of a big group of unseen tragic lives. Most of us live our lives with ups and downs, but basically live fairly comfortably and assume everyone else in NZ has a similar life style. But I sense a large group of people who live lives of desperation, going from crisis to crisis and causing untold pain and suffering as they go. My drop-in people who are arguing, fighting, being stabbed, getting pregnant, drugged or whatever; the perpetrators of the bashing on my friend's son; the lady who threatened suicide and others I hear of through both fire and ambulance are examples of this group. Most christian people prefer not to know of their existence. The "Once were Warriors" film exposed some of this. Life in "Godzone" is not all bliss.

"I am!" I cried... As I encounter or hear of incidents and behaviour I cannot help but feel like many of these lost forgotten people at the bottom of the knowledge, income and "whatever" heap are desperately crying out "I AM"! It is the sort of anger, frustration or feeling of being "nothing" that I sense in Neil Diamond's song "I am I cried..."  (  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwircEDCss8 )  One of the young women fighting at the drop-in said, "I have been trying to get pregnant for three years! Now I am but could lose my baby because of you!" She turned to an ex-boyfriend and derisively said, "I couldn't get pregnant with YOU!"  Why? Why does she who can't look after herself, want to look after a baby? Is she saying "I AM!"? The people picking fights, are they saying, "I AM!"? The illiterate men who drink too much and get stroppy, (one of my friends got stabbed last week) are they in their way saying "I AM!"? ..... "By God you'll notice me!" The couple I know who are heavily in debt, had their over priced car repossessed, lost their job through a stint in prison, are they not trying to say "I AM!" ? They and so many I know, are desperately trying to be, look, "normal" when their bank balance, their abilities, their education and sometimes intellect doesn't allow it. Some of the biggest, most verbose, most belligerant "know-alls" I know are people who are virtually illiterate. "I am!" they cry. Lives wasted. Lives with no sense of hope. What are we doing in our lifestyle that so many need to yell, "I AM!"?

We pay somehow... I think of schools desperately needing help with children with special needs who don't get the funding they need. I think of cuts in mental health budgets. I know that there is a long waiting list for counselling for alcohol problems. I know of people living desperate lives with insufficient support. People wandering the streets who struggle for the necessities of life. Who need more supervision and guidance in their life. We think we save money by these cuts. We think we save money when there are gross inequalities. But let me say, I believe we pay somewhere down the track! May be the mental health budget looks good, but the justice system pays and prisons are full. Maybe we can turn a blind eye to the inequalities, but we suffer in vandalism, theft, and violence. Somewhere in the hurt to human life, in the lack of safe communities, in the law and order budgets, in the long run we pay for the neglect of the more vulnerable struggling people in our community. It would be best to pay upfront to help them live fuller, more dignified lives.

I watched one of our drop-in people watching TV once. He is a very intelligent man who was Dux of his secondary school. Because of his parents actions and various events he has some mental health issues. At one commercial break he watched adverts for new cars and overseas travel. The "cut price" deals were something he could never have. In anger he picked up his bag and threw it at the TV.... "Bastards!" he yelled. That's what I see happening again and again. That anger and frustration at the unfairness of life being expressed.

That's why I run the drop-in centre, work on Habitat for Humanity houses, helped start the night shelter, play soccer with excluded people and still push the Jesus lifestyle. I am trying to make life better for more people. I am trying to say, "You ARE!" and "Someone cares".

But sometimes it would be nice just to forget the forgotten ones and stay in my castle with the drawbridge up. Sometimes all I see is shit and flys, and I get tired.