- A letter from my Doctor has the phrase in it, "in view of your high cardiovascular risk". It makes me feel fragile indeed. I perhaps should not get stressed? I should eat differently? I should exercise? But as I look at my life I find it hard to get off the merry go round of eating while working, exercise getting squeezed out, (my knee won't let me do the stuff I love anyway) many sleepless nights and feeling that I am stuck in this stressful job for another 18 months at least. My dad died of heart problems at a young age (49) so this Doctor's letter makes me feel fragile.
- I have heard recently about changes in Habitat for Humanity. My wife who is a director locally does not talk to me about it because she knows I get upset. When I was part of starting Habitat locally it seemed such a simple formula. I think it worked but I have seen bureaucracy changing it and complicating it. I feel sad because I think they have drifted from the "economics of Jesus" to listening to worldly bean counters. I feel deeply disappointed, and in some ways sad that I was once so involved.
- I am trying to word a report about the Church's work for 2011. There are lots of things we have done. There is a tremendous amount of community contact and life enhancing influence. The report will be read by Church people who like such reports and they will not identify with a lot of what has gone on. It is not traditional "Church work". I feel sad that they have missed out and feel sad that I have not really brought them with me. I have a friend who analyses organisations. He says that if you take the leaders out and the organisation stops doing what it has been doing, it is dysfunctional as an organisation. I suspect that if you take my wife and I, my daughter and son-in-law out of this Church much of its community ministry would stop. It really is dysfunctional and I have failed as a leader.
- I am not keeping up with stuff. I feel like a boulder hurtling out of control down a hillside. I am coping but only just going from task to task, without feeling on top of things or in control. I am not sure why, maybe it is just a part of growing older? But people keep throwing extra stuff at me, little stuff, but it feels big at the moment.
Anyway I came home and am working in front of the fire, trying to get a bit more on top of things. Wish me luck.