I came home early

Don't tell my bosses but I came home early, and I am feeling a bit down. The thing that convinced me to come home was that the Korean congregation was going strong up in the Church above my almost underground office. They tend to yell at God. I get a bit worried not knowing the language. (They talk in tongues anyway) There is a part of their worship which sounds very like Hitler yelling at crowds and the crowd responding with "Sieg Heil!" It has the same sort of intonation.  I'd love to know the words. At least their worship is alive! But there are a number of reasons I feel down.

• A letter from my Doctor has the phrase in it, "in view of your high cardiovascular risk". It makes me feel fragile indeed. I perhaps should not get stressed? I should eat differently? I should exercise? But as I look at my life I find it hard to get off the merry go round of eating while working, exercise getting squeezed out, (my knee won't let me do the stuff I love anyway) many sleepless nights and feeling that I am stuck in this stressful job for another 18 months at least. My dad died of heart problems at a young age (49) so this Doctor's letter makes me feel fragile. 
• I have heard recently about changes in Habitat for Humanity. My wife who is a director locally does not talk to me about it because she knows I get upset. When I was part of starting Habitat locally it seemed such a simple formula. I think it worked but I have seen bureaucracy changing it and complicating it. I feel sad because I think they have drifted from the "economics of Jesus" to listening to worldly bean counters. I feel deeply disappointed, and in some ways sad that I was once so involved.
• I am trying to word a report about the Church's work for 2011. There are lots of things we have done. There is a tremendous amount of community contact and life enhancing influence. The report will be read by Church people who like such reports and they will not identify with a lot of what has gone on. It is not traditional "Church work". I feel sad that they have missed out and feel sad that I have not really brought them with me. I have a friend who analyses organisations. He says that if you take the leaders out and the organisation stops doing what it has been doing, it is dysfunctional as an organisation. I suspect that if you take my wife and I, my daughter and son-in-law out of this Church much of its community ministry would stop. It really is dysfunctional and I have failed as a leader.
• I am not keeping up with stuff. I feel like a boulder hurtling out of control down a hillside. I am coping but only just going from task to task, without feeling on top of things or in control. I am not sure why, maybe it is just a part of growing older? But people keep throwing extra stuff at me, little stuff, but it feels big at the moment.

Anyway I came home and am working in front of the fire, trying to get a bit more on top of things. Wish me luck.